Could it really be Noah's ark?

"Noah's Ark resting place '100 percent confirmed' after 4300 years."

That's what a recent headline in Great Britain's Daily Mail newspaper breathlessly announced.

Most of us grew up being lectured, "Measure twice, cut once" (or in my case, "Measure twice, get those scissors out of your little brother's leg!") Modern archaeologists seemingly practice "Take a core sample and run to the press while it's being evaluated!"

(Ironically, even Noah knew not to put the cart before the horse, especially when the cart needed to be left behind to make room for hay.)

Granted, I'm glad SOMEONE (armed with radar, 3D scans and a robot named Gopher) is finally getting serious about the mysterious Durupinar Formation near Mount Ararat in Turkey. Its boat-like shape was first detected by a NATO mapping mission in 1959, but attempts to verify its exact nature over the past 67 years have been more off than on and more miss than hit.

Human nature has contributed to the glacial pace of research. ("Okay, I forgot about the Durupinar Formation. So sue me! It's not like I'm the one who forgot a three-year-old in the back seat of the car. My mother warned me about you!")

I don't begrudge the current expedition their 15 cubits of fame. Archaeology is more tedious than glamorous. Not everyone has the patience, persistence and attention to detail that these intrepid truth-seekers possess. They are a special breed, and I'll bet you could have spotted them young, especially around trick-or-treating time. ("I got five pieces of candy!" "I got a chocolate bar!" "I got a quarter!" "I got a pottery shard. Yaaayyy!")

Although the current Durupinar dig is attracting eyeballs on YouTube and social media, the mainstream media (TV networks, Washington Post, etc.) are conspicuously silent. In fact, one of the most recent mentions of Noah's Ark by the New York Times bears the headline "Methuselah's grandson seen hoarding bread, toilet paper, kittie litter and galoshes. Galoshes???"

At least the dig has been good for the economy. Scoffers R Us outlets are popping up everywhere. Lay your money down for your favorite skeptical explanation of the formation. ("It's a naturally occurring rock formation." "It's mud that was diverted by rocks." "It's where Mothra goes to lay eggs.") In fact, the only scientific consensus is "I'll bet it was hard voting with a name like 'Mrs. Noah.'"

Some of the people hesitant to hop aboard the Ark bandwagon are the folks who insist on relegating everything biblical to symbolism. ("The whole Flood narrative was just a metaphor for …something or another. A metaphor, or a simile or a palindrome or …now I wish I had paid more attention in class!")

Sadly, these skeptics let their preoccupation with symbolism bleed into their everyday lives. ("My wife left me a note about running off to Jamaica with my brother. What can it possibly mean? Maybe it's an allegory on the futility of returning to the womb.")

I have faith that the Flood and Noah's accomplishments really occurred. But even if the archaeology team finds conclusive proof that this is the real deal, I don't look for it to be a theological game-changer. People are pretty much set in their ways.

No matter what signs they receive, they'll keep on coveting their neighbor's livestock, coveting their neighbor's wife, coveting that pair of vintage scissors in my brother's leg…

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

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