Has the Pentagon shattered your faith in UFOs?

Well, THOSE eagerly anticipated revelations certainly crashed and burned.

You may recall last summer a former intelligence officer told Congress that Uncle Sam maintains a covert stockpile of downed alien spacecraft and corpses. ("Doesn't he look unnatural?")

But now a wide-ranging report by the Defense Department's All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office (AARO) declares there is zero reasonable evidence of a secret program to recover dead extraterrestrials and reverse-engineer their technology.

(Pay no attention to that low-level mechanic showing off a set of fifth-dimensional fuzzy dice. Or the decoded message "Tell my wives I'll miss them. Those &%$# flying reindeer came out of nowhere…")

Depending on your existing prejudices, you may greet these conclusions with relief, vindication, disappointment or a skeptical outburst of "If they can't keep up with the defense secretary's hospital stays, what makes you think they'd know an alien autopsy if it bit them on the keister?"

The report raises as many questions as it answers. First, I realize unexplained sightings didn't really catch the public imagination until the end of World War II, but why did researchers look at military data only from 1945 to the present?

Perhaps they were afraid of going back further and unearthing deeply embarrassing scientific anachronisms.

Like, for instance, March 21, 1942 when Gen. Douglas MacArthur declared, "I shall return — perhaps five or 10 years before I even LEFT."

Or even September 23, 1779 when Captain John Paul Jones bellowed, "I have not yet begun to levitate!"

Second, why was there so little pressure applied to corporate executives at companies alleged to have concealed information abut collusion between the government and the private sector? ("Nothing to see here — especially if the invisibility shield finally started to work. We're innocent. Cross my heart and hope to die — but not by the Death Star. Anything but that!")

Third, why didn't the researchers focus more on whether friends and foes abroad have salvaged and adapted off-world technology? Perhaps they were spooked by the rumors that the newest Swiss Army Knife has a corkscrew, bottle opener and Elvis Abductor Ray.

Fourth, are the AARO investigators certain they want to get into a slap-fight with conspiracy theorists? ("Bravo on AARO's report. But WE studied classified and unclassified archives and reached the unassailable conclusion that conspiracy theorists don't exist!")

Fifth, exactly how many "well-intentioned" Defense Department goobers are wandering around speculating about misunderstood hearsay evidence, mistaking surveillance balloons for a Klingon Bird-of-Prey and getting the public all agitated — and is it feasible to bury the pensions of these "essential employees" deep beneath Area 51?

I've been fascinated by the possibility of extraterrestrial life at least since the early 1960s when NBC began airing Gerry Anderson's British marionette puppet series "Fireball XL5," so the report leaves me wishing for something juicier.
But surely no nefarious weapons makers could have found a way to bamboozle our intrepid investigators or otherwise prevent them from divulging incriminating evidence.

No, it was a grand day for America and mankind when the findings brought closure to this matter of national security.

"There is no reason to believe aliens have been among us or that anyone has surreptitiously made use of alien technology. No cover-up. Case closed. I shall now begin slapping myself for no discernible reason. And, oh yes, flapping my arms and clucking like a chicken. Cluck cluck cluck…"

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

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