Are you clinging to your landline phone?

If I could somehow call my father in the Great Beyond, I'd confess that I'm turning into him.

I always felt sorry for Dad because inertia took control, and he continued paying a monthly rental fee on his landline phone for years and years after telephone industry deregulation made it possible for consumers to own their unit outright.

Well, yours truly has been paying for both wireless service and a seldom-used landline (from a different provider) for an embarrassingly long time.

(In my defense, until just recently, our cellphone coverage would huff and puff and not penetrate the front door. For years, it was as if we sprinkled Passover lamb's blood on the doorposts and lintel to ward off the Angel of Death and, oh yeah, doctor's appointment changes and severe weather alerts.)

I've appreciated 30 years of cheerful service from the maintenance team ("We'll remove the drooping tree limb that's causing static, although that acorn over yonder may still be problematic…"); but I finally cut the cord today, discontinuing both landline phone and DSL internet service.

I realize a landline remains a lifeline for many people (including traditionalists who keep a set of birdwatching binoculars nearby for pursuing the rare ruby-throated printed phone book); but since I communicate with most friends and relatives either through social media or face-to-face, it became a luxury that was nickeling-and-diming me to death.

It was a nuisance as well. Signing up for a "Do not call" list was like posting a "Wet Paint" sign or ripping off a tourniquet in shark-infested waters.

Once in a blue moon, I enjoyed a surprise chat with a long-lost cousin; but mostly my family encountered a suppertime barrage of calls alternating between (a) "Would you like to participate in an unbiased survey about which corner of hell should be reserved for the leading Democrat/Republican/Whig candidate?," (b) "We'd like to thank you in advance for your donation to the Sheriff of Nottingham's Benevolent Fund," (c) "Cost-effective Replacement Wasp Nests are easier to install that you might think" and (d) "Oops…we got the wrong continent, but maybe you'd like to hear this Amber Alert, anyway."

Don't get me started on our internet experience. Sure, our DSL was cutting-edge at the time we graduated from a dial-up connection; but its "I think I can, I think I can" tenacity just couldn't handle the era of streaming. Netflix and chill? No, it was more like "Netflix and maybe it'll finish buffering by the end of the next ice age."

I felt guilty about how many years of service we squeezed out of our DSL modem/router. But when we went searching from store to store for a replacement, I could see the "What century are you from?" look in the eyes of merchants. They humored us by advising, "If you really want to share communications, we have this lantern and this horse. Now practice saying, ‘One if by land and two if by sea…'"

I'm sure I'll adapt to the reality of not having a (costly) backup plan, but I still regret mischievous stunts I never got to execute. My wife and I often fantasized about keeping an airhorn handy for unwelcome callers.

And if only I could channel my father to respond to an overly bubbly telephone solicitor!

"Good evening. Am I speaking to Danny Tyree?"

"Not anymore, jackass!" SLAM!!!

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

Previously:
• Are you distressed by distressed clothing?
• Do you have one of those paranormal pillows?
• Ready to fire up those Father's Day memories?
• Are you a drive-in theater enthusiast?
• Have you heard of after school satan clubs?
• Do you like the tradwife trend?
• Have you ever taken your business elsewhere?
• Journalism: Can't live with it, can't live without it
• Shall we sing the praises of public restrooms?
• Given up on your 2023 reading list yet?
• Cold enough for you?
• M*A*S*H, MAUDE and KUNG FU all turn 50
• Does your body hate you?
• Do Gallup poll respondents have a prayer?
• Was your grandfather a character?
• Is a platonic life partnership right for you?
• Do you hate intersections too?
• The 'Rural Purge' of 1971
• Do morning people deserve to live?
• What will Presidents' Day be like in 50 years?
• Are you and your middle name on speaking terms?
• Have you ever met a stranger?
• Do you dare take the goodness challenge??
• Commercial radio turns 100: what are your favorite memories?
• What shall we say about 50 years of home ownership?
• Do you dread opening your car trunk?
• So this is John Lennon's 80th birthday (And what have you done?)
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Who can turn the world on with her anniversary?
• Inspirational quotes: Are you for them or against them?
• Ray Bradbury: Something centenary this way comes
• 'Ban Bossy': Unintended Consequences
• Almost Here: A Translator For Dogs!
• Will Eggs Become Obsolete?
• Doctor Who: A Fiftieth Anniversary Primer
• The Martians Were Coming, The Martians Were Coming
• Are Pigs Smarter Than Dogs? And Should We Care?
• America, Let's Be #1 At Corruption
• Free College Tuition? Read The Fine Print
• Independence Day: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Typos
• Let's Have More Wrist Slap Punishments
• Father's Day: Can It Survive?