Are free refills the arch-nemesis of the Golden Arches?

So, now the fuzzy purple critter isn't the only ā€¯grimaceā€¯ I'll associate with the McDonald's chain.

ā€¯I'm lovin' itā€¯ was assuredly not my gut-level reaction when I read of a 10-year corporate plan to phase out self-serving soda machines in all the restaurants and require customers to request (grovel for) refills at the counter.

Consumers should have suspected beverage stations were endangered when one of last year's Happy Meals contained the proverb ā€¯Anything worth doing is worth dragging out for nearly a decade, starting with franchises in Illinois.ā€¯

I'm a big Charles Dickens fan, but the whole ā€¯Please, sir, I want some moreā€¯ twist does not meet my Great Expectations. In today's powder-keg world, it will not end well. (ā€¯Who you calling 'Sir'??? I WOULD rattle off my pronouns, but that would take longer than it takes to get the ice-cream machine to work.ā€¯)

A company press release said the change to a ā€¯crew pourā€¯ system is ā€¯intended to create a consistent experience for both customers and crew across all ordering points.ā€¯ Oh, yeah ā€“ everyone raves about the consistency at the DMV.

Besides, where's the equity for dine-in and drive-thru customers? Must the latter billow out carbon dioxide while circling the drive-thru lane for multiple refills? (ā€¯You deserve a checkered flag today!ā€¯)

McDonald's struggles gamely to give this evolution a positive spin, but no matter what their actual words, everyone hears, ā€¯Come for the pink slime; stay to take the walk of shame.ā€¯

Yes, the walk of shame. (ā€¯Say, do you realize how many times I've already poured you a refill? It's..it's.. Dude! I can't do the math in my head.ā€¯)

Some have claimed that the new system is healthier because there won't be all those (ugh!) valued customers touching the drink dispenser and lids. (Healthier? Oh, yeah, I forgot all those ā€¯Billions and billions curedā€¯ billboards.) With my luck, I'll get the server who is always yelling at his co-workers, ā€¯Okay, who's the wiseguy who substituted his jockstrap for my hairnet?ā€¯

Zits the size of Mayor McCheese's desk are not something I want hovering near my beverage, either.

My interactions with McDonald's drinks are very personal. Maybe I want to sample a squirt of different flavors. Maybe I want to mix drinks (what we Cub Scouts used to call a ā€¯suicideā€¯ in less politically correct times). Maybe I'm in the mood for less ice than last Wednesday. And I want to take responsibility for my own life decisions. I don't want an ambitious staffer writing up a resume that includes ā€¯accomplice to diabetes.ā€¯

I cherish memories of sipping a self-poured Dr. Pepper while my son frolicked on the McDonald's playground or (later) watched Fox News with me. Our McDonald's was a working-class community gathering place. But the pandemic devastated that idyllic world, accelerating the transition to drive-thru purchases, delivery services and digital ordering.

I realize that foot traffic and in-store dining are down, but I don't understand why management feels compelled to double down on ā€¯Food, folks and fuming.ā€¯

Okay, I'm not the first person to bewail ā€¯progress.ā€¯ My ancestors fought against the dying of the pot-bellied stove and rustic pickle barrel.

Or they did until it was discovered that the fugitive Hamburglar had asphyxiated amongst the gherkins!

Brrr. It's enough to drive one to drink ā€“ if only Jason and Emma hadn't left the counter short-staffed.

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

Previously:
• How Are you in the best friend department?
• Baldness: Is not parting such sweet sorrow?
• Are you clinging to your landline phone?
• Are you distressed by distressed clothing?
• Do you have one of those paranormal pillows?
• Ready to fire up those Father's Day memories?
• Are you a drive-in theater enthusiast?
• Have you heard of after school satan clubs?
• Do you like the tradwife trend?
• Have you ever taken your business elsewhere?
• Journalism: Can't live with it, can't live without it
• Shall we sing the praises of public restrooms?
• Given up on your 2023 reading list yet?
• Cold enough for you?
• M*A*S*H, MAUDE and KUNG FU all turn 50
• Does your body hate you?
• Do Gallup poll respondents have a prayer?
• Was your grandfather a character?
• Is a platonic life partnership right for you?
• Do you hate intersections too?
• The 'Rural Purge' of 1971
• Do morning people deserve to live?
• What will Presidents' Day be like in 50 years?
• Are you and your middle name on speaking terms?
• Have you ever met a stranger?
• Do you dare take the goodness challenge??
• Commercial radio turns 100: what are your favorite memories?
• What shall we say about 50 years of home ownership?
• Do you dread opening your car trunk?
• So this is John Lennon's 80th birthday (And what have you done?)
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Who can turn the world on with her anniversary?
• Inspirational quotes: Are you for them or against them?
• Ray Bradbury: Something centenary this way comes
• 'Ban Bossy': Unintended Consequences
• Almost Here: A Translator For Dogs!
• Will Eggs Become Obsolete?
• Doctor Who: A Fiftieth Anniversary Primer
• The Martians Were Coming, The Martians Were Coming
• Are Pigs Smarter Than Dogs? And Should We Care?
• America, Let's Be #1 At Corruption
• Free College Tuition? Read The Fine Print
• Independence Day: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Typos
• Let's Have More Wrist Slap Punishments
• Father's Day: Can It Survive?