Are you excited about the U.S. time capsule?

Certainly, I look forward to becoming reacquainted with all the groovy hairstyles, dated slang and kitschy doodads in a couple of years when my high school classmates open our 50-year time capsule. But I suspect most patriotic citizens are currently more focused on America's Time Capsule.

That's the one commemorating the United States Semiquincentennial. It's a 3-foot-by-2-foot stainless steel cylindrical vessel ("3-foot-by-2-foot? My kid has a Stanley tumbler bigger than that!") to be buried in Philadelphia's Independence National Historic Park on July 4, 2026 and to be ceremoniously opened on July 4, 2276 (the nation's 500th birthday).

I'm heartened that planners have enough optimism to believe that the nation will still stand in 250 years (after an "existential crisis" every 15 minutes). I'm heartened that we think the national motto will be in the soul-stirring spirit of "E pluribus unum" rather than the dystopian "Inde est quod res gratas habere non possumus" ("This is why we can't have nice things").

Our country was birthed in the violence of the Revolutionary War, and there will doubtless be hyper-competitive brouhahas on the TV panel shows between now and July 4. ("I am an EXPERT on how people in 2276 will react to the time capsule." "Hmph! I am an AUTHORITY on how people in 2276 will react to the time capsule." "Bah! I am in touch with sources CLOSE TO THE SITUATION of how people in 2276 will react to the time capsule. Let's rumble!")

I know your imagination runs wild as you brainstorm things that would best represent your state or territory, but the America250 Commission has been a stickler about items that are too bulky, too prone to corrosion or too likely to interact poorly with other artifacts.

This is to avoid what has been dubbed "the WKRP effect." America would be the laughingstock of the world if we had a rogue governor lamenting, "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could survive a quarter-millennium inside a stainless-steel cylindrical vessel!."

The container and its contents could conceivably remain intact for 250 years (if we resist the initial pushback from the "Are you sure that COMPOSTING flags, medals and student essays isn't a better plan?" busybodies, but things could go sideways in as little as 15 or 20 years. ("Season 37 of 'Storage Wars' needs something really special to boost the ratings. Hey, what if the National Park Service has missed some rent payments???")

Even if the written documents remain in pristine condition, cultural and technological changes could take a toll. After 250 years, will anyone even be able to interpret them? ("What is this 'Times New Roman' font? Summon the Chief Scientist and the High Priest of Entrails Reading! Both on vacation? It's re-gifting time then!")

We Americans owe a great debt to our forebears who built this great nation. I'm less sure what we owe to the people of 2276, so the mischievous side of me thinks maybe we could yank their chain a little.

("Here are the cremated remains of a time traveler who came back to tell us of your progress. We salute you for resolutely surviving the Zombie Apocalypse of 2275. No, wait — that was the Zombie Apocalypse of 2277! My bad. Um, you have not yet begun to fight. Be brave. The Class of 1978 is re-burying polyester leisure suits for the cause…")

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Previously:
• What is your family motto?
• More pencils? More books? More teacher's dirty looks?
• Do we expect too much from our dogs?
• Is 'hot take dating' right for you?
• Ready for a hotel on the moon?
• Should newspapers be on, you know, paper???
• Have you preserved 2025 for posterity?
• Do you overuse the word 'interesting'?
• Ready for the Grand Ole Opry's second hundred years?
• When you know you've outlived all your #@%& punchlines
• Are you making the best use of your ears?
• Promise not to blink this school year?
• Is bottomless overtime right for you?
• Are meteorologists a dying breed?
• What's your opinion of 'gentle parenting'?
• Do I know where you live?
• Rockford Files? Little House? 50 Years? Really?
• Did you remember your pets in your will?
• Is everyone always in your way?
• Is country music cool again?
• Do you talk with your hands?
• Are you and your blood pressure best buddies?
• Are you hopelessly confused about telephone etiquette?
• Should a sense of humor be mandatory for fathers
• Ready for Pat Sajak's final spin of the Wheel?
• Can the population implosion be stopped?
• Is 'value' a dirty word?Is it nice to fool mother nature?
• Is 'value' a dirty word?
• Ever have a 'work spouse'?
• Has the Pentagon shattered your faith in UFOs?
• Am I overthinking slang?
• Have you ever taken full responsibility?
• AAAAAY! Is Happy Days' really turning 50?
• Could you pass a citizenship test? really?
• Have you ever caused a scene?
• Should society slam on the brakes about this trend?
• Are you terrible at remembering names?
• Is this remnant of American culture doomed, y'all?
• Are free refills the arch-nemesis of the Golden Arches?
• How Are you in the best friend department?
• Baldness: Is not parting such sweet sorrow?
• Are you clinging to your landline phone?
• Are you distressed by distressed clothing?
• Do you have one of those paranormal pillows?
• Ready to fire up those Father's Day memories?
• Are you a drive-in theater enthusiast?
• Have you heard of after school satan clubs?
• Do you like the tradwife trend?
• Have you ever taken your business elsewhere?
• Journalism: Can't live with it, can't live without it
• Shall we sing the praises of public restrooms?
• Given up on your 2023 reading list yet?
• Cold enough for you?
• M*A*S*H, MAUDE and KUNG FU all turn 50
• Does your body hate you?
• Do Gallup poll respondents have a prayer?
• Was your grandfather a character?
• Is a platonic life partnership right for you?
• Do you hate intersections too?
• The 'Rural Purge' of 1971
• Do morning people deserve to live?
• What will Presidents' Day be like in 50 years?
• Are you and your middle name on speaking terms?
• Have you ever met a stranger?
• Do you dare take the goodness challenge??
• Commercial radio turns 100: what are your favorite memories?
• What shall we say about 50 years of home ownership?
• Do you dread opening your car trunk?
• So this is John Lennon's 80th birthday (And what have you done?)
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Who can turn the world on with her anniversary?
• Inspirational quotes: Are you for them or against them?
• Ray Bradbury: Something centenary this way comes
• 'Ban Bossy': Unintended Consequences
• Almost Here: A Translator For Dogs!
• Will Eggs Become Obsolete?
• Doctor Who: A Fiftieth Anniversary Primer
• The Martians Were Coming, The Martians Were Coming
• Are Pigs Smarter Than Dogs? And Should We Care?
• America, Let's Be #1 At Corruption
• Free College Tuition? Read The Fine Print
• Independence Day: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Typos
• Let's Have More Wrist Slap Punishments
• Father's Day: Can It Survive?