Promise not to blink this school year?

Pay no attention to the seemingly frozen clock in sixth-period trigonometry class. Time is moving way too swiftly.

My son graduated from high school four years ago, and I have yet to sit down and fully appreciate the work he put into the yearbook. (Cut me some slack. The turkey picture that Gideon had traced around his hand *mumble mumble* years earlier called "Dibs!" on my spare time, after all.)

In light of such regrets,I call upon students, teachers, staff members, bus drivers, parents and grandparents to savor every fleeting moment of the 2025-2026 school year.

(Well, not the fleeting moment of the Dodgeball Ambush of the Century, you masochistic freaks. Or the time that Mikey became so enamored of "dead poets" that he decided to MAKE some more. The other moments.)

Trust me: in the blink of an eye, young scholars will transition from "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" essays to mid-term exams and on to caps and gowns and "always stay cool (especially when I bump into you in five years and can't remember your name)."

Romances, cliques, alliances and petty rivalries come and go; students should seize the chance to make new life-long friends, especially among the unpopular outcasts. That's good practice for the school fundraiser, powered by the catalog of Crap Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Ever Purchase Without Being Guilted Into It.

("Thank you for ordering two steam-powered shoehorns, Mr. Green. Coincidentally, I learned that your ancestors gave quite a lot of orders to my ancestors, if you know what I mean. Oh, five more steam-powered shoehorns? Thank you!")

Wallow in the time-honored civic-pride traditions of the homecoming game, by promising to smash, whip, pulverize, destroy, annihilate the team from Springfield. This, of course, is good preparation for when you eventually take a job in Springfield and have to tell everyone, "Have a nice day."

Make the most of the winter "holiday party," where the air is filled with festive remarks such as "No, your mother can't help decorate because she's a manager, and that sounds too much like ‘manger,' you little religious bigot."

Educators, grin and bear it when slackers whine, "When will we ever use this information in the real world?" ("Oh, wait — dissecting frogs, dissecting congressional districts. Never mind.")

Family members should take it in stride when whippersnappers getting ready for "dress-up days" are disappointed not to find powdered wigs and knee breeches along with the platform shoes, bell bottoms and disco ball in the back of the closet.

Kids, keep on smiling through the sentence diagrams, footnote citations and pop quizzes. Someday you'll laugh about it (especially if you land a sweet job selling "mystery meat" contracts).

Students, never forget abruptly-departed geometry teacher Mrs. Veeblefester. Maybe she couldn't pound words like "hypotenuse" or "isosceles" into your noggins, but even the slow students learned the word "statutory."

Parents, don't balk at chaperoning a field trip (unless it's a lame-o tour of the Museum of Lost/Wadded/Snot-soaked Permission Slips). If worse comes to worst, maybe you can volunteer for the autumn festival dunking machine and fill it with poison ivy lotion.

I hope these words have inspired y'all to make the most of the coming year. I'm inspired to dig into the turkey drawing and the yearbook and…

Hey! Who made all these oddly spaced pencil marks on the door frame???

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

Previously:
• Is bottomless overtime right for you?
• Are meteorologists a dying breed?
• What's your opinion of 'gentle parenting'?
• Do I know where you live?
• Rockford Files? Little House? 50 Years? Really?
• Did you remember your pets in your will?
• Is everyone always in your way?
• Is country music cool again?
• Do you talk with your hands?
• Are you and your blood pressure best buddies?
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• Should a sense of humor be mandatory for fathers
• Ready for Pat Sajak's final spin of the Wheel?
• Can the population implosion be stopped?
• Is 'value' a dirty word?Is it nice to fool mother nature?
• Is 'value' a dirty word?
• Ever have a 'work spouse'?
• Has the Pentagon shattered your faith in UFOs?
• Am I overthinking slang?
• Have you ever taken full responsibility?
• AAAAAY! Is Happy Days' really turning 50?
• Could you pass a citizenship test? really?
• Have you ever caused a scene?
• Should society slam on the brakes about this trend?
• Are you terrible at remembering names?
• Is this remnant of American culture doomed, y'all?
• Are free refills the arch-nemesis of the Golden Arches?
• How Are you in the best friend department?
• Baldness: Is not parting such sweet sorrow?
• Are you clinging to your landline phone?
• Are you distressed by distressed clothing?
• Do you have one of those paranormal pillows?
• Ready to fire up those Father's Day memories?
• Are you a drive-in theater enthusiast?
• Have you heard of after school satan clubs?
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• Journalism: Can't live with it, can't live without it
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• M*A*S*H, MAUDE and KUNG FU all turn 50
• Does your body hate you?
• Do Gallup poll respondents have a prayer?
• Was your grandfather a character?
• Is a platonic life partnership right for you?
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• The 'Rural Purge' of 1971
• Do morning people deserve to live?
• What will Presidents' Day be like in 50 years?
• Are you and your middle name on speaking terms?
• Have you ever met a stranger?
• Do you dare take the goodness challenge??
• Commercial radio turns 100: what are your favorite memories?
• What shall we say about 50 years of home ownership?
• Do you dread opening your car trunk?
• So this is John Lennon's 80th birthday (And what have you done?)
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Who can turn the world on with her anniversary?
• Inspirational quotes: Are you for them or against them?
• Ray Bradbury: Something centenary this way comes
• 'Ban Bossy': Unintended Consequences
• Almost Here: A Translator For Dogs!
• Will Eggs Become Obsolete?
• Doctor Who: A Fiftieth Anniversary Primer
• The Martians Were Coming, The Martians Were Coming
• Are Pigs Smarter Than Dogs? And Should We Care?
• America, Let's Be #1 At Corruption
• Free College Tuition? Read The Fine Print
• Independence Day: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Typos
• Let's Have More Wrist Slap Punishments
• Father's Day: Can It Survive?