Is everyone always in your way?

Maybe I have two left feet when it comes to zigging and zagging.

But it sure seems the entire world is determined to get in my way.

("Nations must reverse declining birth rates! What if we drop below 8 billion people available to antagonize Tyree?")

I am most keenly aware of the phenomenon at home. The Mills Brothers had it wrong with the song "You Always Hurt the One You Love." Should've been "You Always Crowd the One You Love."

Even with a small family, it seems to require an act of Congress to write on the calendar, procure a kitchen towel or use the bathroom mirror. ("Here's your towel, but there's a filibuster blocking your access to the soap dispenser.")

My wife, son and pets possess an uncanny sixth sense for knowing exactly when to be in my path. (I want us to be on the same page, not the same floor tile.) Think of it as Spider-Man's "Spidey sense" for detecting danger. ("Spring into action! He's in danger of reaching a Band-Aid before he can bleed out!")

"Let me sit there!" "I need that electrical outlet!" These cheerful greetings make me fear that someday my family will have the U.S. Cavalry herd me onto a reservation and teach me English.

To be sure, PROLONGED delays (at the airport or doctor's waiting room) can afford folks the opportunity to write a long-neglected "thank you" card or balance the checkbook; but what I encounter is a never-ending stream of 30-second and 60-second delays. It's like productivity suffers death by a thousand cuts. I'll bet that over the course of a lifetime, I've idled for a total of -- well, someone is shaving between me and the calculator, so never mind.

Tailgating motorists also covet the space I'm trying to occupy. Maybe one of them will finally rear-end me and send me careening to my doom. If so, I'll come back and haunt them as The Ghost of One Freakin' Micro-Second Farther Down the Road Than You.

Some people lie when the truth would suit better, and others aspire to intrude upon your personal space even when common sense would dictate otherwise. ("I don't have a car. I don't have any kids applying for a license. But, oooo, I crave your spot in line at the DMV!")

I don't know where the stream of vehicles is headed, but first-class postage can go up twice while I'm crossing the street to my mother's mailbox. (No, wait. Postage could go up twice even if the Starship Enterprise BEAMED me across the street. Bad example.)

I try not to be a hypocrite. When I'm shopping, I loathe to mumble "Pardon me" as I squeeze between umpteen other shoppers and their potential purchases. So for ages, I have made a habit of using "the road less traveled" in selecting my route. But even if I dart down an aisle labeled as "Sundries and Festive Turnip Spice Candles," some bozo is inevitably camped out and consulting his financial adviser, his psychic and the pope about which Yoko Ono 8-tracks to purchase.

Someday I'll put these frustrations and indignities behind me. I already have my plot purchased at Lone Oak Cemetery. Hey, where did those squatters come from?

Excuse me. "You always hurt the ones you catch hogging your final resting place…"

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

Previously:
• Is country music cool again?
• Do you talk with your hands?
• Are you and your blood pressure best buddies?
• Are you hopelessly confused about telephone etiquette?
• Should a sense of humor be mandatory for fathers
• Ready for Pat Sajak's final spin of the Wheel?
• Can the population implosion be stopped?
• Is 'value' a dirty word?Is it nice to fool mother nature?
• Is 'value' a dirty word?
• Ever have a 'work spouse'?
• Has the Pentagon shattered your faith in UFOs?
• Am I overthinking slang?
• Have you ever taken full responsibility?
• AAAAAY! Is Happy Days' really turning 50?
• Could you pass a citizenship test? really?
• Have you ever caused a scene?
• Should society slam on the brakes about this trend?
• Are you terrible at remembering names?
• Is this remnant of American culture doomed, y'all?
• Are free refills the arch-nemesis of the Golden Arches?
• How Are you in the best friend department?
• Baldness: Is not parting such sweet sorrow?
• Are you clinging to your landline phone?
• Are you distressed by distressed clothing?
• Do you have one of those paranormal pillows?
• Ready to fire up those Father's Day memories?
• Are you a drive-in theater enthusiast?
• Have you heard of after school satan clubs?
• Do you like the tradwife trend?
• Have you ever taken your business elsewhere?
• Journalism: Can't live with it, can't live without it
• Shall we sing the praises of public restrooms?
• Given up on your 2023 reading list yet?
• Cold enough for you?
• M*A*S*H, MAUDE and KUNG FU all turn 50
• Does your body hate you?
• Do Gallup poll respondents have a prayer?
• Was your grandfather a character?
• Is a platonic life partnership right for you?
• Do you hate intersections too?
• The 'Rural Purge' of 1971
• Do morning people deserve to live?
• What will Presidents' Day be like in 50 years?
• Are you and your middle name on speaking terms?
• Have you ever met a stranger?
• Do you dare take the goodness challenge??
• Commercial radio turns 100: what are your favorite memories?
• What shall we say about 50 years of home ownership?
• Do you dread opening your car trunk?
• So this is John Lennon's 80th birthday (And what have you done?)
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Who can turn the world on with her anniversary?
• Inspirational quotes: Are you for them or against them?
• Ray Bradbury: Something centenary this way comes
• 'Ban Bossy': Unintended Consequences
• Almost Here: A Translator For Dogs!
• Will Eggs Become Obsolete?
• Doctor Who: A Fiftieth Anniversary Primer
• The Martians Were Coming, The Martians Were Coming
• Are Pigs Smarter Than Dogs? And Should We Care?
• America, Let's Be #1 At Corruption
• Free College Tuition? Read The Fine Print
• Independence Day: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Typos
• Let's Have More Wrist Slap Punishments
• Father's Day: Can It Survive?