Are meteorologists a dying breed?

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."

If you don't believe in coincidences, perhaps you see a vast conspiracy in the fact that the Bob Dylan biopic "A Complete Unknown" is in theaters at the same time Allen Media Group announces eliminating or reassigning all local meteorologists at its nearly two dozen TV stations nationwide.

Instead of having to fork over money for (yuck!) popular local weather personalities, each lucky station will get weather reports beamed in from The Weather Channel, another Allen Media Group property. ("After the commercial for artificial diamonds, we'll have more artificial local-ish weather.")

As someone who almost pursued a career in broadcast journalism and who was unexpectedly downsized from a different industry in the Nineties, my heart goes out to the on-air personalities and the viewers.

I'm old enough to remember when Allen Media Group founder and chief executive Byron Allen was just a nice young man contributing to NBC's pioneering reality show "Real People." I guess he now sees Real People as Real Numbers. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it — unless it's time for the quarterly report.

As they say, into each life some beancounters must fall.

The Weather Channel itself underwent staffing reductions last year, so I'm waiting with bated breath to see what further measures will be taken to cut costs. ("Let the weather apps try to compete with us! We've cornered the market on Old Farmer's Almanacs and wooly worm caterpillars! Coming soon: self-service freeze warnings.")

Ah, I'm being too pessimistic. The press release for the new strategy gushed with predictions of all the technical innovations, gussied-up graphics and enhanced coverage that will come about with the banishment of the meteorologists. You can't see the cirrocumulus clouds in the sky for all the PIE in the sky!

Yes, sir, divert enough money from payroll and you can afford to launch hypersonic missiles to take out those butterflies in Asia before they can flap their wings and initiate a typhoon.

Still, I haven't the foggiest notion why reassigning trained meteorologists into lower-profile station functions is remotely justifiable. ("I just got through cleaning the restrooms. Was NOT expecting that much accumulation!")

Generations of TV viewers have been conditioned to regard the weatherman as an irreplaceable part of the news team/family. Now those hometown celebrities will be The Family Member We Never Mention.

In most broadcast markets, there is something priceless about having a weather personality who lives near the audience and shares sentiments like, "It breaks my heart to see the pavilion flooded. I was there just last weekend for the Parsnip Festival." Soon there will be just a centralized meteorologist boosting morale with pronouncements such as, "It must stink to be you!"

I have warm memories of countless familiar faces who stood before weather maps in the Nashville area. I hope the Allen Media Group reconfiguration doesn't start an industry-wide trend of cutbacks.

Because it won't end with the meteorologists. Beer-bellied "centralized" sportscasters dislocating their shoulders putting on a different team jersey every 30 seconds, anyone?

And don't get me started on those overpaid news anchors. Accountants will seize upon the cable TV synergy.

"We know you want to hear about the bank robbery and the mayoral scandal, but simmer down. Wait long enough and you can watch it on The History Channel."

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

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