Ready for a hotel on the moon?

"Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me. They brunch with little green men." – apologies to F. Scott Fitzgerald.

According to the New York Post, a Silicon Valley startup company called GRU Space is accepting reservations for a hotel that it hopes to have operational on the moon by 2032.

The cost of $250,000 to $1 million per guest (not including transportation) is enough to give Joe Sixpack pause. But don't be surprised if the Disney corporation pauses just long enough to say, "Here, hold my beer." ("That's one giant leap for the bottom line!")

Not just every megabucks lunar-explorer wannabe will make it onto GRU Space's exclusive list. Roadblocks include a $1,000 non-refundable application fee and a background check involving medical and financial documentation. ("Oh, and to save on fuel at liftoff, exactly how many senators do you plan to carry in your pocket?")

Maybe you're one of the Little People who feel wistful at the thought of visiting our satellite, but this is truly an endeavor for deep-pocketed visionaries. Preferably, visionaries with eyesight keen enough to detect the fine line between "pioneer" and "guinea pig." ("Sorry we double-booked your room. You and the billionaire podcaster can take turns enjoying the complimentary cosmic radiation.")

Prospective guests are promised that once they get settled in, they can … walk (!), drive(!), play golf (!), play Uno (!), watch paint dry (!) and all the other things that you just can't do while encumbered by the surly bonds of earth. (Golf? Didn't director Ridley Scott teach us that "In space, no one can hear you yell, ‘Fore!'?")

I'm sure the first guests will be quite proud of themselves, but I hope their egos are not easily bruised. The Chinese and Russians will doubtless be racing to establish their own lunar settlements. And it could be devastating for some out-of-shape nepo baby to take tentative steps outdoors and encounter a shirtless Vladimir Putin doing low-gravity jumping jacks.

Oh, to be a drone-on-the-wall to eavesdrop on lunar conversations! ("I've got a spare oxygen tank. Let's go over to the dark side." "Dark side? Oh, honey, how did you think I acquired the Cayman Islands in the first place? Kudos to my damage control team.")

The souvenir side of the business has numerous obstacles to overcome. When the lunar tourists return to earth and hobnob with colleagues who took more terrestrial excursions, it could devolve into Charlie Brown territory. ("I got a gold-plated sombrero." "I got a priceless Ming vase." "I got a rock.")

And can you imagine any battle more uphill than showing off your photo album from a lunar vacation? ("Hmph. That looks a lot like my aunt Myrtle's acreage. Are you sure you didn't film all this out in the desert somewhere?")

But seriously, folks…I'm simply giving GRU Space's target market a good-natured ribbing. It's no skin off my nose if they want to spend their money this way.

Alas, I have no power to quell the envy of the "redistribution of wealth" crowd.

"Okay, Mr. Moneybags can fly to the moon, but only if he performs equitable tipping for the indigenous peoples up there. And maybe he should spring for a side trip to Pluto. Everybody shames poor Pluto. It's a small former world after all. It's a small former world after all…"

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

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