Are you a wet blanket?

Wet blanket. Spoilsport. Fuddy-duddy. Fraidy-cat. Party pooper. Slowpoke. Penny-pincher. Buzzkill. Bob from Accounting.

At some point in your life, you've doubtless been on either the giving end or receiving end of such disparaging terms.

(You've probably also been on one side or the other of flapping your "wings" and taunting, "Braaack braaack braaack." I must interview you sometime about your stellar career as a motivational clucker.)

Whether it's road trips, family get-togethers, shopping sprees or carpooling, there's always at least one person for whom everyone else has to make allowances and accommodations.

For instance, some self-sabotaging individuals seem congenitally incapable of arriving at a rendezvous point on time. ("Did I ever tell you about being late picking up my prom date? Her brute of a third husband threw his walker at me!")

Yes, some folks arrive late, but they're counterbalanced by the "leave early" crew. ("I've had a wonderful time, but I'd better call it an evening. I need to hit the sack because I have to get up early. I always check morning obituaries to see if this is the day I finally achieve the sweet, sweet release of death.")

Food allergies, vegan lifestyles and crash diets can all put a strain on communal meals Throw in venue criticisms, and it becomes even worse. ("This place is too crowded. This place is too deserted. The music is too loud. The music is too soft. The lights are too bright. The lights are too dim.") It takes a true friend not to exclaim, "Eat porridge and DIE, Goldilocks!"

Yes, I'm sure you have some friends and relatives you'd like to lock up and throw away the key. But they would be just as annoying in solitary confinement. ("Bread and water? I don't know…are you sure they're not too spicy?")

Sometimes it's a matter of the "square peg" interrupting the proceedings multiple times to report in to their parents, spouse, babysitter, the Karen down the street, whomever. ("If it's not too far out of our way, I need to stop at the nearest radio telescope and phone E.T. every hour on the hour.")

Nothing throws cold water on a spirited gabfest like that one killjoy who refuses to dish any gossip. ("I always ask myself, ‘Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary…and is it just me, or are there an awful lot of bikers, kegs and farm animals going into the Anderson house???'")

Some people get branded as a "stick-in-the-mud" or "Goody Two-Shoes" because they refuse to engage in antisocial naughtiness such as skinny-dipping, drag racing, mooning passers-by, painting graffiti on the town water tower, running the town water tower dry with a data center, etc. More power to ‘em – if it doesn't overload the grid.

Motion sickness (on roller coasters) is my Achilles heel , so I empathize with people whose delicate stomachs demand a front-seat position on a car trip — but let's not go to extremes. ("Thanks for letting me ride shotgun, but my conjoined twin's emotional support Great Dane would really love to use your little tree-shaped air freshener…")

I hope I have given you food for thought about (a) being less needy and (b) exhibiting tolerance for others. Right now, the editor wants me to meet with someone about the future of my column.

It's Bob from Accounting!

Braaack braaack braaack! I have laid an egg!

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

(COMMENT, BELOW)

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