Do you sound professional?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made." – George Burns

My son Gideon (the recent grad) hopes for some productive job interviews soon, so I couldn't help noticing a Facebook "reel" from an outfit called Talk Right English.

"Smart Phrases That Make You Sound Professional," announced the video.

When I was four years old, my father flew to Hartford, Connecticut for a Dale Carnegie "How To Win Friends and Influence People" course, so I already had some understanding of the importance of communicating with co-workers, vendors and clients using expressions that don't shout laziness, rudeness or "For my NEXT bagpipes rendition…"

The Talk Right English pointers are really just reminders. Unless you were raised in a barn ("How To Win Friends and Influence Screwworm Infestations"), you already know the common sense principles deep down. For instance, don't say, "That won't work." Politely suggest, "Let's explore another option." And so forth.

Beyond technical skills and certifications, companies value your ability to slap a thin veneer of civility onto a tense situation. ("I say, old chap, you really should stick out your pinky finger when absconding with armloads of office supplies, eh wot?")

Don't worry about the ennui or resentment bubbling beneath the surface. As long as the spoken words are nicey-nice, bosses love having smoke blown up their derrieres. ("It's a double win! My ego is stroked and we're charging the client for testing their new vapes.")

Speaking of which, bolstered by nearly three decades of writing about classy subjects such as boogers and flatulence, I decided to try my hand at brainstorming some less stuffy responses than the ones on Facebook.

For starters, don't answer a question with the slovenly "I don't know." Proudly declare, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to assign a subordinate to kill you."

Don't say, "That's not my job." Ever. Even if the subject is handling the U.S. nuclear codes. ("Um, normally I just fetch lunch for the Secret Service, but how hard could this be? Ooo…look at all the pretty mushroom clouds…")

Please refrain from uttering the patronizing words "Calm down." Try defusing the situation with "I must say that your spittle and bulging eyes are quite becoming in the moonlight." ("Uh oh…now I have to tell HR to calm down…")

Never greet an assignment or plea for help with the excuse "I'm too busy." Take a "can do" attitude and declare, "Multi-tasking is my middle name. Helping you finish your 5,000-page report won't detract at all from digging a shallow grave, Mr. Always Takes Up Two Parking Spaces."

Don't give a blunt assessment of "You're wrong." Instead, go with "Maybe you're right. What do I know? The boss thinks I believe there's an ‘I' in ‘team.' Could you tie my shoe strings and help me draw a hand turkey?"

Do not employ the amateurish statement "This is your fault." Take the initiative to inquire, "Do you realize how long it has been since we threw Johnson under the bus about anything?"

I hope Gideon will be able to put my ideas to good use.

With confidence and consummate mastery of etiquette, he can answer, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" with "That depends — where will the surveillance cameras be in five years?"

I understand your concerns – but not the tar and feathers. Help!!!

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

(COMMENT, BELOW)

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