Are landline phones kool again?

My late mother would have been tickled by a front-page Wall Street Journal story that appeared on her 99th birthday.

Mom loved meeting strangers and pumping them for information ("Why does someone your size carry such a tiny can of pepper spray — and where is the nearest eyewash station?"), so she was always tormented by the New Normal of people walking around with their nose buried in their "little machine" (smartphone).

Well, landline phones are suddenly offering an alternative to screen time.

According to the Journal, many families are installing low-tech home phones to delay (by at least a few precious years) the children’s exposure to ever-present, anxiety-generating social media.

Although the new devices employ Wi-Fi (because it’s becoming increasingly unprofitable for phone companies to maintain traditional copper wires), they nonetheless avoid the bells and whistles (scrolling, gaming, TikTok videos) of the dreaded smartphone.

Parents have decided that communication devices such as the fast-selling Tin Can — a retro-looking, kid-friendly handset — can eliminate the need for arguments like, "Which comes first: potty training or emoji training?" (Not to mention, the costly "iPhone Operating System or Android" reveal party.)

Modern kids are notorious for carrying on prolonged text conversations when a face-to-face gabfest would make more sense to earlier generations. ("Peer pressure" now means your two best buddies have their elbows wedged in your bread basket while the the three of you are texting each other from the same sofa.)

Such youngsters have a difficult time adjusting to hearing a dial tone, punching in a number and actually speaking. ("Hi. I was just wondering … wow, lips and larynx, what a concept … I was just wondering if you wanted to come over later. I think my folks want us to churn butter or run a newspaper delivery route or something.")

Telephone etiquette presents another learning curve for younger Americans. ("I know this is the 15th time I’ve called in the last half hour, but I wanted to inform you that I got splinters while ROFLMAO.")

Unburdened by caller ID, the new phones harken back to the glorious mystery and anticipation of simpler times. When the phone rings, is it a long-lost relative? Is it a cute classmate desperately seeking help with a homework problem? Or is it in fact a salesman calling to offer an extended warranty on that wobbly baby tooth? Possibilities abound.

Without the crutch of texting, children can conduct meaningful conversations with their older relatives. ("Grandma, I think I’m losing all the muscle mass in my thumbs!!! Can you bring over some bags of Snickers for me to rip open?")

Speaking of older relatives, without the distraction of online bullying, influencer body-shaming and pop-up porn, kids will have plenty of time to be vigilant about the well-being of their elders. ("Emergency room? Ever since I got a Tin Can, my grandfather keeps muttering stuff about ‘Rikki, don’t lose that number’ and ‘867-5309’ and ‘Operator, that’s not the way it feels.’ I think it’s a stroke or something.")

I hope the youths in your sphere of influence can develop the right attitude about landlines. Instead of viewing them as a punitive grounding, they should see them as a chance to be well-grounded in time-honored social skills.

Celebrate the laid-back togetherness. Wow, you don’t have to celebrate with such a big piece of cake…

Ow! Not the eyes! Not the eyes!

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

(COMMENT, BELOW)

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