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Jewish World Review April 20, 2001 / 27 Nissan, 5761

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
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Consumer Reports

Our wacky world -- SOME crazy things in the news lately. Did you hear that Barbra Streisand wants to start her own cable television channel and staff it with only liberal Democrats? It sounds like a set-up for a joke, but it’s true. I guess she’d call it the B.S. news network or something. “All Lefties, all the time.” I thought we already had that? It’s called CNN.

Remember “The Black Panthers?” Well, now they’re calling themselves “The New Black Panthers.” I suppose next it’ll be “The New, Improved Black Panthers.” Anyway, The New Black Panthers have been protesting former President Clinton setting up his office space in Harlem. They say they don’t want him moving into a predominantly black neighborhood. Maybe they think it will hurt property values. Or maybe there’re just looking out for the welfare of their teenage daughters.

Speaking of the past administration, it has been reported that Al Gore (remember him?) has gained over 40 pounds since he lost the presidential election. Wow! I guess there are a lot of calories in crow. I knew Al always wanted to be the biggest man in America -- and at this rate he just might make it. He may have to change his name to Al Gorge.

Now let’s turn to world news. A surgeon was taken to court in Hong Kong for talking on his portable cel phone while he was operating! No kidding! The patient, who was under a local anesthetic, claimed that he could hear the doctor talking to a car dealer for several minutes during the operation. The doctor was found not guilty, but public outcry over the matter has caused the local government to consider passing a law forbidding future cel phone use by surgeons while on the job.

We asked the Chinese to return our service personnel and our plane -- they returned our people but not the aircraft. This shouldn’t surprise anyone who has ever ordered Chinese food -- you NEVER get everything you ask for. We did okay, though. Not only did we get all 24 crew members back, but they threw in a few fortune cookies and about three dozens packets of soy sauce for good measure.

At last, some really good news for lazy, non-athletic types like me. Reuters reports that a German scientist, Professor Peter Axt, is actually claiming that laziness is good for you. “People who would rather laze in a hammock instead of running a marathon or who take a midday nap instead of playing squash have a better chance of living into old age.” He says that research has shown that people who run long distances into their 50’s are using up energy they need for other purposes. “They suffer memory loss and risk premature senility.”

Professor Axt also put down early rising, saying that getting up too soon leaves people stressed for the whole day. And keeping down stress is vital to good health. His prescription is, “Waste half your free time. Just enjoy lazing around.” So, without realizing it, I’ve been leading one hell of a healthy life, I guess. Man, is this guy my kind of doctor, or what?

I hear that Jane Fonda has found Jesus and dumped Ted -- in that order. I have no other comment on that. You can make up your own joke.

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


04/13/01: Drummed Out of the Mickey Mouse Club
04/06/01: Academy Award Winning Song?
03/30/01: Curiously strong
03/23/01: The Not Very Funny Papers
03/16/01: Acting Politically Correct
03/09/01: Get Off The Phone!
03/02/01: A Brief Statement by Al Gore (A Fantasy Which Will Never Happen)
02/23/01: President Bush Q & A Exclusive
02/13/01: Pregnant and in your face
02/05/01: Let 'em know
01/30/01: One Final Trashing
01/26/01: Don't look in the mirror
01/19/01: He Got It His Way
01/12/01: Be cool ... be very cool
01/05/01: What’s Next?
12/29/00: "Hi, I'm Megan And I'll Be Your Dealer This Evening."
12/23/00: A nice old-fashioned winter
12/15/00: A holiday carol for the Fat Lady
12/08/00: Vice president Queeg
12/01/00: Here we come a-caroling
11/23/00: Hear Ye! Hear Ye!
11/17/00: Gore’s Desperation
11/10/00: It Ain't Over
11/03/00: Read this before you vote
10/27/00: Democratic Big Guns Shoot Blanks
10/20/00: Generation Duh
10/13/00: And the whiner is ...
10/06/00: The Vicious Hollywood Left
09/29/00: Pop Porn
09/22/00: Put On A Tie, Ya Bums!
09/15/00: A sneak peek at The William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library
09/08/00: The Big Mooseketeer
09/01/00: In Honor of Those Who Never Were
08/25/00: Building a Bridge to the Sixties
08/22/00: Leaks
08/18/00: Sour Grapes
08/11/00: But he’s Jewish!
08/04/00: Aint Nothin’ But A Hound Dog
07/27/00: Trick or Treat
07/21/00: Another Golden Moment In Broadcasting
07/14/00: Who eats this, ahem, 'stuff'?
07/07/00: In Your Face Advertising
06/29/00: My Home Sweet Home
06/23/00: Hairs The Thing
06/13/00: The Sweetest Sounds
06/02/00: Another Opening, Another Show
05/22/00: What's next, The Million Mutt March?
05/19/00: Hail the Conquering Hero
05/12/00: Extra! Read All About It!
05/03/00: Clinton’s Transparent Department of Duplicity and Demagoguery
04/24/00: For The Children?
04/19/00: Liars And Cowards And Bums, Oh My!
04/11/00: Gripe, Gripe, Gripe
04/05/00: Counting the Race Cards
03/30/00: Speed Bumps
03/22/00: The Eyes Have It
03/15/00: Academia and Media --- They’re Just Not Right
03/09/00: Sweat The Small Stuff -- It’s Okay
03/02/00: Actors And Other Animals
02/23/00: Campaign 2000 --- Wake Me When Its Over
02/15/00: Who Wants to be Regis Philbin?
02/08/00: Aftermath of a Tragedy
01/31/00: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
01/25/00: I’d Like To Thank All The Little People
01/20/00: Merger Mania
01/11/00: Just Say JA-GWAAR
01/04/00: Who Was That Masked Man? My Hero!
12/28/99: New Millennium --- New Rules
12/21/99: Bubba’s Visit From Saint Nick
12/14/99: Call Me Mister
12/08/99: So Much Going On, So Little Time
11/30/99: Sunday Afternoon
11/22/99: The Best Money Can’t Buy
11/15/99: My Peter Pan Generation
11/08/99: Fall Invasion
10/29/99: When my wife was young and Gay
10/22/99: Too Late for Dinner
10/15/99: Pondering, Musing and Supposing
10/05/99: A Message From Your Journalistic Human Interest Commentator
09/24/99: The Getting Away With It Decade
09/17/99: The Scoop of the Century
09/09/99: Important Millennium Advisory
09/03/99: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
08/26/99: Broadcasters, Please mind Your Manners
08/19/99: The Golden Age of Jerkdom
08/12/99: Dressing Down...and Out

© 2000, Greg Crosby