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Jewish World Review Dec. 28, 1999 /19 Teves, 5760

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
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New Millennium --- New Rules -- IT’S NO SECRET to anyone who reads this column on a regular basis that I think the whole millennium thing has been oversold and blown way out of proportion. However, even a card carrying curmudgeon such as I cannot deny that an event such as this IS SPECIAL in that it only comes around once in every, oh, thousand years or so. Thank heavens.

So since we’re stuck with it, for better or worse, I suggest that we all try to make the best of the coming new millennium. Let us look upon this as a time, once and for all, to make real, substantial changes to ourselves and our culture which will improve the world and benefit all of mankind. Toward that end, I hereby propose the following NEW RULES for the new millennium -- listed in no particular order. Ready? Here we go.

  • Rule # 1: As of January 1st the word “cool” will be officially retired from the English language. After that date, any adult human being using the word as a slang adjective will be arrested and subject to mandatory prison time.

  • Rule # 2: Every adult (unless suffering from brain damage, mental retardation or provable insanity) will be required to take full and complete responsibility for his or her own actions. Period.

  • Rule # 3: No more piped-in music in supermarkets, malls and other stores. I don’t need a “musical soundtrack” when I’m shopping.

  • Rule # 4: All actors and actresses -- but especially Barbra Streisand, Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, Rob Reiner, Martin Sheen, Charlton Heston and Sharon Stone -- will be prohibited forever from voicing their political opinions in public.

  • Rule # 5: Screwball millionaire businessmen like Ted Turner, Ross Perot, Larry Flint and Donald Trump will be prohibited from appearing in public AT ALL.

  • Rule # 6: Anything regarded as “athletic clothing” i.e. sweats, spandex, running shoes, bicycle outfits, etc. is to be worn in gymnasiums and outdoor track fields ONLY. People showing up at restaurants in this attire will immediately be chuffed and taken away.

  • Rule # 7: Zero tolerance for jerks and imbeciles.

  • Rule # 8: I will be in charge of deciding who is a jerk and imbecile and who isn’t.

  • Rule # 9: Since “Hip-Hop Rap Music” bears no melodic resemblance to music (as the civilized world has come to define the term over the course of the past thousand years), it will be designated as something OTHER than “music.” -- perhaps calling it something like “rhythmic storytelling,” for instance.

  • Rule #10: Lawyers, telemarketing solicitors, politicians, and all others who primarily make their living by lying, will be removed from society, incarcerated into rehab clinics and treated.

  • Rule # 11: Operating two or more machines simultaneously (like a cell phone and an automobile) on public streets will be forbidden unless one has applied for a special permit and undergone extensive training and testing.

  • Rule #12: Media executives who are instrumental in “pushing the envelope” regarding broadcast standards and practices will be “pushed” out of their offices and dragged through the streets to the nearest shopping mall where they will be put in a pillory in full view and subjected to public ridicule and rotten tomatoes.

Have a happy new millennium everybody.


JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


12/21/99: Bubba’s Visit From Saint Nick
12/14/99: Call Me Mister
12/08/99: So Much Going On, So Little Time
11/30/99: Sunday Afternoon
11/22/99: The Best Money Can’t Buy
11/15/99: My Peter Pan Generation
11/08/99: Fall Invasion
10/29/99: When my wife was young and Gay
10/22/99: Too Late for Dinner
10/15/99: Pondering, Musing and Supposing
10/05/99: A Message From Your Journalistic Human Interest Commentator
09/24/99: The Getting Away With It Decade
09/17/99: The Scoop of the Century
09/09/99: Important Millennium Advisory
09/03/99: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
08/26/99: Broadcasters, Please mind Your Manners
08/19/99: The Golden Age of Jerkdom
08/12/99: Dressing Down...and Out

©1999, Greg Crosby