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Jewish World Review Jan. 31, 2000 /28 Shevat, 5760

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
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Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man -- IN AN EFFORT to keep up with the ever changing mores of American society, we turn once again to our source of infinite information, that bottomless well of wisdom, that knight of knowledge -- yes, it’s time to ... Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man.

Q: Dear Mr. Politically Correct Man, concerning the presidential candidates Gore, Bradley, Bush, and McCain, who would you say is the most politically correct?

Mr. PC Man: That’s a trick question and I refuse to answer it. That would be like asking, “Between Jed Clampett, Li’l Abner and Bill Clinton who’s the biggest hillbilly?”

Q: Dear Mr. Politically Correct Man, I am a white middle-aged man. I really do understand and appreciate the importance of treating all people with respect and dignity in our society, but it seems to me that more and more the media is portraying white, middle aged men as either jerks, stupid, or evil. Why is that?

Mr. PC Man: Listen, I have better things to do than answer stupid questions from evil jerks like you.

Q: Dear Mr. Politically Correct Man, I own a home in a neighborhood that has a rising crime rate, dirty streets, boarded-up businesses, and a bad reputation. The property values are falling throughout the entire neighborhood. Should my neighbors and I petition city hall to clean up crime and improve the area?

Mr. PC Man: Why bother? All you and your neighbors need to do is petition city hall for a NAME CHANGE. Lots of communities in Southern California have discovered that the easy way to hide a “negative” neighborhood is to simply change it’s name to one that SOUNDS better. For example, a small section of North Hollywood that is adjacent to the well-to-do community of Toluca Lake has recently changed its address to read “West Toluca Lake.” I don’t know if the area has improved any, but it sure sounds richer.

Q: Dear Mr. Politically Correct Man, can you give any other examples of things that have undergone name changes in order to sound better? And did the name change actually help?

Mr. PC Man: Sure. Once upon a time when hobos were called tramps or bums most people wouldn’t have anything to do with them. Now that they are called “The Homeless” people feel sorry for them. They have they’re own lobby groups and government spends a fortune feeding, clothing and building shelters for them.

Also, the term “used car” definitely has a negative connotation, but if it’s called a “pre-owned car” you might consider buying it. Likewise a “marketing executive” sounds more trustworthy than a “salesman.” Politicians would rather you thought of them as “public officials” and the phrase “we need to move on” has become a euphemism for “let’s change the subject.”

Q: Dear Mr. Politically Correct Man, would you elaborate on the “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule regarding homosexuals serving in the military?

Mr. PC Man: Don’t ask.

Q: Dear Mr. Politically Correct Man, I work in the Hollywood entertainment industry and I am a republican. What advice can you give me?

Mr. PC Man: Move to Idaho and become a potato farmer.

Q: Dear Mr. Politically Correct Man, can you explain the terms “pro-choice” and “pro-life?”

Mr. PC Man: Certainly. If a person is pro-choice it means that person is a beautiful wonderful human being who is kind and compassionate and in favor of allowing people of all creeds, colors and ethnicity, the complete freedom to choose whatever they want whenever they want it -- as long as they don’t choose to be pro-life -- because a person who is pro-life is a dirt bag.

Any other questions?

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


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10/22/99: Too Late for Dinner
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09/24/99: The Getting Away With It Decade
09/17/99: The Scoop of the Century
09/09/99: Important Millennium Advisory
09/03/99: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
08/26/99: Broadcasters, Please mind Your Manners
08/19/99: The Golden Age of Jerkdom
08/12/99: Dressing Down...and Out

© 2000, Greg Crosby