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Jewish World Review Feb. 23, 2001 / 30 Shevat, 5761

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
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Consumer Reports

President Bush Q & A Exclusive -- Greg Crosby: "Thank you very much, sir, for granting me this very special one-on-one interview. I realize you have an incredibly full agenda these days and I want you to know just how much I appreciate you taking the time to be with me."

President Bush: "Thatís okay, Tubby -- no offense. I give everybody nicknames, yíknow. I like nicknames."

GC: "Er, yes sir, I know, but if I may ask ... could you please come up with a different nickname for me? Iím kind of sensitive about my weight."

PB: "Hey, no problem, Baggy-eyes."

GC: "Just call me Tubby. To start with, sir, I wonder if I might get your reaction to some national events which have occurred since youíve taken office."

PB: "Sure thing."

GC: "Recently you had some of the Kennedy clan over to the White House to watch a screening of the movie, ĎThirteen Daysí which is about JFK and the Cuban missile crisis. The Kennedys are not exactly your biggest fans. Why did you do it?

PB: "Iím a uniter, not a divider. Iím a compassionate conservative. In my administration, no Kennedy will be left behind. Besides, Teddy was bringing the popcorn and the Raisinettes."

GC: " What is your reaction to the Jesse Jackson scandal?"

PB: "If you mean the adultery thing, I called Rev. Jackson and told him I was praying for him."

GC: "Yes, but donít you think that engaging in adulterous behavior, especially when such behavior is done over the course of years with the result of bringing a child into the world, somewhat erodes Mr. Jacksonís position as a credible moral leader and man of the cloth?"

PB: "Hey, we all make mistakes, know what I mean?"

GC: " In Mr. Jacksonís case, this was not just a one time slip-up. He had been involved with this young woman, one of his subordinates, for quite awhile before he got her pregnant. His intention was to keep this secret, but one of the tabloids got wind of it and forced Mr. Jackson out into the open.

There also appears to be some question of siphoning money out of one of Jacksonís tax-exempt charities to pay for this womanís move and set her up in a new home. As our new president, the man who wants to restore dignity and decency and morals to our country, donít you think, sir, that there might be something else you might say or do relative to this incident?"

PB: "Good point, Fatso.

GC: "Thatís Tubby, sir."

PB: "Good point, Tubby sir. Maybe Iíll invite Jesse and his women over to the White House to watch that new Chris Rock movie. But only if he agrees to bring the munchies. In my administration, no racial demagogue will be left behind."

GC: "Mr. President, your office has released a statement denying the reports that the Clintons took anything at all from Air Force One. Youíve had no comment on the White House trashing or the flap over the $800,000 a year office space that Clinton wanted in New York.

Also, in the wake of the many questionable pardons that Clinton signed before leaving office, including the Marc Rich pardon, you have remained strangely silent. Why, all of a sudden, do you feel a need to ignore or defend Bill Clintonís actions?

PB: "Well, Iím a uniter not a divider. I believe in being a compassionate conservative. I think itís time for America to move on. And mostly, Clinton can have me "whacked" at any time if Iím not careful!"

GC: "Sir, what about Mexico?"

PB: "Clinton could probably have Mexico "whacked" too. The guy is nuts!"

GC: "No, I mean you have just made a trip to Mexico. There has been talk that you are in favor of opening up the boarder. Is that true?"

PB: Absolutely not! I believe in keeping our boarders secure. Now, having said that, I think thereís room in our country for Mexico."

GC: "You mean thereís room in our country for Mexicans who want to migrate to the U.S.?

PB: "No. I mean thereís room in our country for Mexico. I want to bring the whole place right up here. Look at all the wide open-spaces out in the California desert going to waste. Mexico can fit right in there, easy. In my administration, no Mexican will be left behind."

GC: "Mr. President, I donít think you can do that.

PB: "You never know Ďtil you try, Lardo."

GC: "Thatís Tubby. Whatís your opinion of Fox?

PB: "Fair and balanced. Itís my favorite news channel. I never miss Hannity and Four-Eyes."

GC: "No, Mr. President, I was speaking of Vicente Fox, the President of Mexico."

PB: "Oh, was he on with Hannity?"

GC: "I-I donít know, sir. And the show is called Hannity and Colmes."

PB: "Whatever you say, Gordo."

GC: "Thatís Tubby. No, wait. Mr. President, I donít appreciate any of these nicknames youíve been calling me, if youíll pardon me, sir."

PB: "Well, I appreciate that you donít appreciate that, but if you donít mind Iíd rather not discuss the pardon issue at this time."

GC: "Thank you, President Bush."

PB: "President Bush is my father. Call me Dubya."

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


02/13/01: Pregnant and in your face
02/05/01: Let 'em know
01/30/01: One Final Trashing
01/26/01: Don't look in the mirror
01/19/01: He Got It His Way
01/12/01: Be cool ... be very cool
01/05/01: Whatís Next?
12/29/00: "Hi, I'm Megan And I'll Be Your Dealer This Evening."
12/23/00: A nice old-fashioned winter
12/15/00: A holiday carol for the Fat Lady
12/08/00: Vice president Queeg
12/01/00: Here we come a-caroling
11/23/00: Hear Ye! Hear Ye!
11/17/00: Goreís Desperation
11/10/00: It Ain't Over
11/03/00: Read this before you vote
10/27/00: Democratic Big Guns Shoot Blanks
10/20/00: Generation Duh
10/13/00: And the whiner is ...
10/06/00: The Vicious Hollywood Left
09/29/00: Pop Porn
09/22/00: Put On A Tie, Ya Bums!
09/15/00: A sneak peek at The William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library
09/08/00: The Big Mooseketeer
09/01/00: In Honor of Those Who Never Were
08/25/00: Building a Bridge to the Sixties
08/22/00: Leaks
08/18/00: Sour Grapes
08/11/00: But heís Jewish!
08/04/00: Aint Nothiní But A Hound Dog
07/27/00: Trick or Treat
07/21/00: Another Golden Moment In Broadcasting
07/14/00: Who eats this, ahem, 'stuff'?
07/07/00: In Your Face Advertising
06/29/00: My Home Sweet Home
06/23/00: Hairs The Thing
06/13/00: The Sweetest Sounds
06/02/00: Another Opening, Another Show
05/22/00: What's next, The Million Mutt March?
05/19/00: Hail the Conquering Hero
05/12/00: Extra! Read All About It!
05/03/00: Clintonís Transparent Department of Duplicity and Demagoguery
04/24/00: For The Children?
04/19/00: Liars And Cowards And Bums, Oh My!
04/11/00: Gripe, Gripe, Gripe
04/05/00: Counting the Race Cards
03/30/00: Speed Bumps
03/22/00: The Eyes Have It
03/15/00: Academia and Media --- Theyíre Just Not Right
03/09/00: Sweat The Small Stuff -- Itís Okay
03/02/00: Actors And Other Animals
02/23/00: Campaign 2000 --- Wake Me When Its Over
02/15/00: Who Wants to be Regis Philbin?
02/08/00: Aftermath of a Tragedy
01/31/00: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
01/25/00: Iíd Like To Thank All The Little People
01/20/00: Merger Mania
01/11/00: Just Say JA-GWAAR
01/04/00: Who Was That Masked Man? My Hero!
12/28/99: New Millennium --- New Rules
12/21/99: Bubbaís Visit From Saint Nick
12/14/99: Call Me Mister
12/08/99: So Much Going On, So Little Time
11/30/99: Sunday Afternoon
11/22/99: The Best Money Canít Buy
11/15/99: My Peter Pan Generation
11/08/99: Fall Invasion
10/29/99: When my wife was young and Gay
10/22/99: Too Late for Dinner
10/15/99: Pondering, Musing and Supposing
10/05/99: A Message From Your Journalistic Human Interest Commentator
09/24/99: The Getting Away With It Decade
09/17/99: The Scoop of the Century
09/09/99: Important Millennium Advisory
09/03/99: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
08/26/99: Broadcasters, Please mind Your Manners
08/19/99: The Golden Age of Jerkdom
08/12/99: Dressing Down...and Out

© 2000, Greg Crosby