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Jewish World Review May 22, 2000 / 18 Iyar, 5760

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
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What's next, The Million Mutt March? -- IT BEGAN with the Million Man March in Washington. The event itself didn’t turn out to be much of a big deal (actual attendance numbers varied widely) and by all accounts the thing attracted much less than the number it had in it’s title. Organizers would later admit that they never thought they’d literally get one million people to their rally -- but they liked the sound of the name. And that’s really the main thing. It’s not enough to simply hold a rally anymore, you’ve got to have a catchy name to grab people’s attention. An alliteration is perfect. The Million Man March has a nice ring to it -- much better than the Forty-Seven Thousand Nine Hundred and Three Man March.

Democratic political action groups and anti gun activists once again got together with advertising agencies and other PR mavens to initiate the Million Mom March this past Mother’s Day. Notice that it wasn’t called the Million Mother March -- that just doesn’t have the same rhythm -- too many syllables. Was the event successful in getting a million mothers to march? No -- but that was never the goal. And marching wasn’t ever a part of it, either.

The event was really a big Sunday picnic ballyhoo with lots of food, beer, souvenirs, celebrity speakers, and media. Giant video screens and loud speakers were set up as for a rock concert. And judging by all the press coverage before, during and afterwards, the event accomplished everything it set out to do. There may not have been a million moms on the Washington Mall that day, but there were many tens of millions of people exposed to their cause through television. Thanks in great part to that wonderful alliterate name that just trips off the tongue -- Million Mom March.

What’s next? How about a Three Stooges fan club annual event called the Million Moe March? Low paid postal workers might want to stage a rally for higher wages and call it the Million Mail March. And those janitors we’ve been hearing about recently might have made more of an impression had they gone to Washington with a Million Mop March. Teenagers in every state in the union who feel misunderstood, (and that’s all of them) could hold a Million Mall March. On Halloween we’d have a Million Monster March.

Dogs from all over the country should demand equal rights and stage a Million Mutt March. Disgruntled gardeners could take their grievances to Washington with the Million Mow March. I think it’s time all men named Max got together with a Million Max March on Washington. And don’t forget our neighbors to the south -- they need a Million Mex March. Wrestlers could have a Million Mat March and arithmetic teachers could hold a Million Math March.

But the one event I’m waiting for, the one assemblage I would actually like to see would be a gathering of all the hard-working moms and dads in this country. All the two parent families that stay together and do their best day in and day out to raise good, decent, honest kids. Loving moms and dads that have to do battle everyday with the corrosive forces of modern culture and political correctness. I’ve already got my name for that event. I would call it the Million Mensch March.

Unfortunately, the rally would probably be a failure. I mean, who would come? The media wouldn’t cover it -- not edgy enough. And those two parent families, those loving, devoted, hard-working moms and dads don’t exactly have a lot of time to spare for rallies, marching and demagoguery. After all, they have a family to raise.

Here’s another thought ... Since these catchy named events really do seem to capture the attention of the mainstream press in a way that missing White House e-mails and Presidents who engage in corrupt fund raising schemes do not, why not RENAME all dry, dull sounding political activities? Who knows -- the right alliteration or rhyme could stimulate a news editor’s interest enough and might just result in proper coverage of an important story. For example: Instead of referring to the “missing White House e-mails” (which sounds like some kind of a computer glitch) just call it the “Memo Manipulation March.” The DNC Chinese fund raising fraud could be called “Mongolian Money March.” You get the idea.

Come to think of it, this would never work. The mainstream media is just too savvy.

They’d catch on right away. Then they’d get really mad. They might even protest and stage a Million Media March. And it wouldn’t be the first time they covered themselves, either.

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


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05/03/00: Clinton’s Transparent Department of Duplicity and Demagoguery
04/24/00: For The Children?
04/19/00: Liars And Cowards And Bums, Oh My!
04/11/00: Gripe, Gripe, Gripe
04/05/00: Counting the Race Cards
03/30/00: Speed Bumps
03/22/00: The Eyes Have It
03/15/00: Academia and Media --- They’re Just Not Right
03/09/00: Sweat The Small Stuff -- It’s Okay
03/02/00: Actors And Other Animals
02/23/00: Campaign 2000 --- Wake Me When Its Over
02/15/00: Who Wants to be Regis Philbin?
02/08/00: Aftermath of a Tragedy
01/31/00: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
01/25/00: I’d Like To Thank All The Little People
01/20/00: Merger Mania
01/11/00: Just Say JA-GWAAR
01/04/00: Who Was That Masked Man? My Hero!
12/28/99: New Millennium --- New Rules
12/21/99: Bubba’s Visit From Saint Nick
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11/30/99: Sunday Afternoon
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10/29/99: When my wife was young and Gay
10/22/99: Too Late for Dinner
10/15/99: Pondering, Musing and Supposing
10/05/99: A Message From Your Journalistic Human Interest Commentator
09/24/99: The Getting Away With It Decade
09/17/99: The Scoop of the Century
09/09/99: Important Millennium Advisory
09/03/99: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
08/26/99: Broadcasters, Please mind Your Manners
08/19/99: The Golden Age of Jerkdom
08/12/99: Dressing Down...and Out

© 2000, Greg Crosby