Ask Wendy

Jewish World Review August 28, 2002/ 20 Elul 5762


Family peace, but at what price?


By Wendy Belzberg

http://www.jewishworldreview.com | I receive a great deal of mail from parents and children who are estranged from one another. The circumstances always differ, as do the number of attempts at reconciliation. The bottom line is that no parent wants to die without having made peace with his or her child, and no child wants to be an orphan.

All I know for certain is that every individual must weigh the pain of separation from one's children or parents against the cost of reconciliation. Each situation stands alone. Whenever possible, I would advise finding some way to make peace. But not at any cost.

I have conflated several questions awaiting responses so as to address the matter from both sides of the divide.

Q: Seventeen years ago I divorced my first wife, the mother of my four children. There was another woman involved, and I took full responsibility for the breakup of our marriage. My children never accepted or forgave the other woman, to whom I have been happily married for the past 15 years. Two of my children never spoke to me again, and the other two just recently stopped speaking to me. The root of their anger dates back to something recently revealed that occurred during the divorce. It's been 17 years already, and I am in my 70s - do I continue to reach out and risk the pain of being rebuffed, or should I make my peace with things as they are?

A: Welcome to a very non-exclusive club, consisting of those of us who have made mistakes in life. Perhaps even unforgivable ones. If your own children can't forgive you 15 years after the fact, the burden now rests on their shoulders, not yours.

I have seen parents wittingly and unwittingly abuse their children. But I have also seen the converse: children who abuse their parents, reminding them daily - with words or with silence - of their many sins. It is time for your children to grow up and recognize that there is no such thing as a victim in a failed marriage. Being protective of their mother is natural and admirable - to a point. Then it is time to stop reacting to the past and decide what kind of life to lead in the future. Anger and resentment is a toxic cocktail. Your children have failed to move on, but at your age you do not have that option. Have you done everything you can to make peace? If so, and you can live with your decision, model the kind of behavior you wish for your children: let go.

Q: I am 40 years old. I am successful in my chosen career, and I have a spouse I love and happy children. I can't seem to make peace with my mother, however, who appears unable to accept that I am a grown man with a family of my own. She still buys me clothing - on sale, so I can't return it - and reminds me to send birthday cards, flowers and thank-you notes. She manages to push every one of my buttons practically the minute she walks in my door. I do realize that one day she will no longer be around and, in theory, I'd like to salvage our relationship. In practice, however, I avoid seeing her and have found every excuse not to do so for the past three years.

A: Ask yourself the following question: Am I reacting to current behavior or to years of the same behavior? Are you angry that your mother bought you a sweater yesterday or that she insisted on buying your wardrobe and dressing you when you were in high school?

I suspect your mother will always treat you as a child, but that does not mean that you can continue to behave as one. Being riled by your mother's aggressive behavior, sulking and refusing to see her are the responses of a child, not of a 40-year-old man. Put more brutally, it is not enough to be a grownup. Now you have to behave as one.

While your mother's behavior may push all of your buttons, it has no impact whatsoever on your children. Try easing your way to reconciliation by thinking of your mother purely as your children's grandmother. If she is kind, loving and generous to your children, you may be amazed by your ability to forgive - if not forget - her past transgressions. You are married with a family of your own. You no longer have to do - or dress - as your mother says.



Ask Wendy a question -- almost any question --- by clicking here.


08/28/02: Revealing sworn secret will impact many lives; misplaced friendship?
08/22/02: Seeking help for hubby's High Holy Days hi-jinks; perplexed by parents' request; take 'em or leave 'em?
08/16/02: Trial makes friendship trying; experiencing one loss, facing another; wives and brides
08/09/02: Wedding woes are a commercial for elopement; miss the bris (circumcision)?
07/25/02: A love for the ages?; learning the steps; off the wall
07/17/02: I don't mean to sound anti-Semitic but …; Doesn't etiquette dictate that a good host make his guests feel comfortable?
06/21/02: Doing business with an Arab; driving down the road of life with my mother-in-law tailgating me; sentimental gulf clubs
06/12/02: Anti-Semites everywhere!; no need for marriage
06/06/02: Sacrifice my happiness or my family's?; bad call on 'friend'
05/30/02: Attending my ex-mother-in-law's funeral; in search of forgiveness
05/21/02: Danger and duty; host of issues; desperately seeking surgery
03/20/02: Multiples for mom; partners and martyrs; I'm a gentile --- should I explore Judaism's spiritual side?
03/07/02: Disabled child taught family love, patience and compassion
02/15/02: Sisterhood on the line; Time to cross Ts on ex?
02/04/02: Clueless convert-in-training; loyal to a wife who walked out?
01/25/02: The new 'Jewish question'; unfaithful oldsters; gambling on our family's future
01/18/02: Should son invite mom to bar mitzvah - against dad's wishes?; pay-off time?; 'my son is blackmailing me'
01/10/02: Hard to move on; separation anxiety
01/04/02: Salvaging a sister; mother knows best?
12/27/01: Paying for somebody else's charity; Down(s) and out?
12/21/01: 'Brownie points' for the Creator; I love my husband, but not his family; open-door policy needs to be closed sometimes
12/05/01: 'I celebrate Chanukah you insensitive anti-Semite!'; idealism v. responsibility; stolen gifts
11/27/01: Doubts or reservations one may have about reaching out to friends and strangers alike who are in need: From the mail bag
11/16/01: Tripping out; tactics for tactlessness; Am I a hypocrite?
11/01/01: My co-religionists are proselytizing me; tragedy intruder?; meddling mama?
10/19/01: Outside world hits home; money and mommies
10/12/01: Vacation separation; Risk present for past?
09/20/01: Secular servants; Time to tie purse strings?; dog breath --- literally!
09/07/01: Too much Torah?; Name-dropping rabbi turns off worshippers
08/30/01: Jewish 'godparents'?; summer homework
08/02/01: Have wife, won't travel; 'dis' --- as in 'distant'
07/26/01: Grandparents not invited to bar mitzvah; what to do about older sister's foul mouth; nuptial narcissism
07/19/01: Bad mannered, uncouth ethnics; lookin' for love
07/05/01: Faithless Rabbi; my wife won't let me retire; I'm in relationship limbo
06/21/01: New customs for assimilated Jews?; the business of friendship; aunty is a bad role model
06/13/01: Our friends have become political traitors; Is it love?
06/06/01: Teaching kids about the Creator, when parents aren't observant; 'wonderful woman' 'fesses up about her broken engagement; How do I find a matchmaker for my 'beautiful daughter?'
05/31/01: Couple he fixed-up is in a nasty breakup; overwrought over ring
05/16/01: The gift was counterfeit; settling for the daughter; the lush and the ostrich
05/02/01: 'Jew questions' and falsifying faith; magic marker mayhem; I want kids
04/25/01: Anti-Semites everywhere?; shilling for gifts; my kid is the 'weakest link'
04/05/01: Celebrating when Passover is inconvenient; What's wrong with the name 'Melvyn,'?; Difference dilemma: Husbands and wives and Passover observance levels
03/19/01: 7-4=insensitivity?; baby showers and tempting fate; Splitsville before or after marriage?
03/12/01: Passover party-pooper; slapped by a moral dilemma
02/14/01: Human 'mutts,' getting over it, same-sex kesubas
02/08/01: Bar/bat mitzvah blues, homework he-l, from potty to potty-mouth
01/24/01: Naughty neighbor, unprofessional colleague is dead, I'm a Jew, now what?
01/15/01: Rabbis who won't; when the rules of the 'game' change; ungracious grannies
01/08/01: My kid hates Hebrew school; Stay single or abandon heritage?
01/02/01: A Jewish Grinch? Baby bigots and when grandparents call it quits
12/18/00: Babes in Chanukah Land; my husband the kvetch; bad hair marriage?
12/04/00: My niece is a no-goodnik, when lifecycle events become dangerous, Orthodox v. Reform education
11/28/00: My ex is ruining my kids' souls; the mouth that won't stop
11/21/00: Battling brothers; how to keep a nanny
11/08/00: OY VEY! my son wants to become Orthodox; kiddies should avoid family therapy
11/08/00: Rabbi v. therapist, grandparents bearing gifts, I want my son's teacher for a sister-in-law
10/24/00: Let him enlist?, 'My son the actor'? Eating with the 'help'
10/10/00:Tipsy teens, protective spouses, kosher common-sense
10/03/00: I'm not Jewish --- not that there's anything wrong with it; mezuza machlokes; when granddad has cancer
09/25/00: I can't take Rosh Hashanah! Something for nothing? My husband needs a dinner mate
09/18/00: 'My kids' Jewish education stinks', boyfriend bandit, and single mother not by choice
09/11/00: Bris brouhaha breaks my heart, LET ME SLEEP! --- and Why can't I hold a job?
09/05/00: Righteous anger, 'dissed' daughter --- and how not to make a match
08/21/00: When one spouse becomes more religious than the other; "But the cleaning lady is part of the family!"; Why He invented 9-month gestation periods
08/21/00: 'Fessing up to granny about abandoning one's people, non-kosher sis-in-law, and 'my niece is marrying a loser'
08/14/00: Marrying 'in' for questionable motivations; Should a do-gooder be reimbursed?
08/07/00: Communing with the clouds, betrothal, and banishing bosses
07/28/00: Small-city guys, self-centered siblings
07/21/00: When a child takes religion seriously, marriage obsession, and guests who just don't get it
07/14/00: Divorcing brother-in-law, uncampy kids, and a dot.comer who makes it big time
07/07/00: Hypocrites, reality checks, and the 'real estate challenged'

Up

© 2002, Wendy Belzberg