Ask Wendy

Jewish World Review Feb. 4, 2002/22 Shevat 5762


Clueless convert-in-training; loyal to a wife who walked out?


By Wendy Belzberg

http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- I am in the process of converting to Judaism. My question concerns the appropriateness of my performing or not performing certain mitzvot. Is it appropriate for me to attend services on a regular basis? If so, is it appropriate for me to wear a yarmulke and prayer shawl before my actual conversion? I don't want to offend anyone.

A: There is no reason you should know how to proceed. Nor for that matter any reason why you should have to write to me. The only way you will learn is by asking-in this case the rabbi with whom you are studying. Surely he is expecting to give you guidance on each and every one of these issues-and on a host of others. Here is one fundamental part of Judaism I am able to share with you: This religion places a premium on the curious mind, the informed discussion and the intellectual journey; there is no such thing as a stupid question. For which I might add I am grateful, as it keeps me in business.

Q: I have been separated from my wife for 3 years. We have been to counseling etc. but are still not back together. Originally she moved out for reasons that are not completely clear to me. Once I made her happy but through the passage of time that changed. I have become close to another woman and, while our relationship is platonic, I think we could be happy together. I still have feelings for my wife, she is a good woman, and I don't want to hurt her by calling it quits. Yet, this living in limbo is driving me crazy. Thanks for your insight.

A: There are two sides to every story, but even without your wife's version of events, I have to say that three years is more than sufficient to settle on reconciliation. If you haven't made peace by now, I suspect you aren't going to. While you have been living in limbo, your wife has been having her cake and eating it too.

It's perfectly normal, and commendable, that you would continue to feel some affection for your wife. Let me remind you, however, that it is she who put an end to things in the first place. Don't miss your chance to find happiness with someone new. It's time to put your own needs first.



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© 2002, Wendy Belzberg