Jewish World Review Jan. 2, 2003/ 28 Teves, 5763

Marianne M. Jennings

Marianne M. Jennings
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The year that was | 2002 began with President Bush choking on a pretzel and ended with Trent Lott gagging on his foot. Connie Chung jumped from CBS to CNN, Greta Van Susteren leaped from CNN to Fox News with a spring in her step and a lift in her face, and David Letterman stayed put at CBS after making NBC and ABC jump and Ted Koppel nervous.

Criminals had a tough year. Nevada, home of organized crime, denied Mike Tyson, ex-con, his boxing license. John Gotti, dapper don, died in prison. RIP, not.

Sara Jane Olsen, aka Kathleen Soliah, aka former hippie, hiding for 30 years as a homemaker wife of a physician, aka soccer mom, entered a guilty plea to bombings, murder, etc., causing baby boomer journalists to mutter to the FBI, "Pick, pick, pick!"

Pete Rose bet wrong on being allowed into baseball's Hall of Fame. Baretta, aka Robert Blake, was indicted for the murder of his wife, and Rep.James Traficant (D-Ohio) was convicted of corruption and cruelly sentenced to prison without his hairpiece.

Some of the international underworld caught a break. Thugs and dictators saw to it that Jimmy Carter won the Nobel. Diana's former butler, Paul Burrell, was acquitted of charges of swiping Diana's things after the Queen, an avid Court TV fan, phoned in to explain that she and Paul had a deal.

The DC snipers enjoyed a long run as Chief Moose and his merry band of 22 law enforcement agencies clamoring for media attention busied themselves looking for a Southern white male who listens to Rush Limbaugh and loathes Tom Daschle. A black male crouched in the back seat of a Caprice with a sniper rifle escaped their eagle eyes.

Marital bliss came to Julia Roberts but eluded Jennifer Lopez for the second time, with Ben Affleck the now charmed third in line to try for J-Lo. Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley's 4-month-long wedded bliss gave Mr. Affleck pause. Rudy Giuliani and Jack Welch experienced hurricane force ex-wives in their divorce proceedings.

Tiger Woods was slammed when women were excluded from the clubhouse at the British Open. He was grand slammed when the New York Times discovered Augusta National Golf Club does not permit broads as members.

Defying biology and physics, Rosie O'Donnell fathered a child, Michael Jackson's child survived dangling from a hotel window, and Al Gore got more boring. Hollywood's new affirmative action program slighted Martin Lawrence. The star of Big Momma's House condemned Tinsel Town for not honoring his work, something he claimed is equally as awful as Adam Sandler's. Halle Berry, whilst partially clad in designer garb, read the Declaration of Independence, the Emancipation Proclamation and the Unabomber epistle as her best actress Oscar acceptance speech. Mr. Gore loved it.

The Miss America contest turned ugly with a catfight between two women both claiming to be Miss North Carolina. Pageant sponsors were humiliated when the new Miss America began harping about abstinence. Pageant officials huffed, "Why can't she just yammer about AIDS or world peace?"

Each week saw a new corporate bankruptcy, a new dive in the Dow, another airline in bankruptcy and new allegations of molestations against Catholic priests. Church leadership cautioned, "Let's not rush to judgment on concealed perversions."

Husky idlers besieged corporate America. Those who did not have their stomachs stapled demanded that Southwest Airlines accommodate their girth with two-for-one-seats and sued McDonald's as the root cause of obesity.

We lost Peggy Lee and Rosemary Clooney along with Richard Harris, Waylon Jennings and Johnny Unitas. Clinton's Buddy the dog and cosmetics' Mary Kay rest in peace for their noble work. Wendy's Dave Thomas passed on before lardite lawsuits against hamburger joints began.

The year that brought us the Osbournes also brought the Olympics. Dude! The U.S. swept the gold in snowboarding. Every Olympic athlete was given 3.4 condoms. Most ice skaters won the gold because a French judge threw the contest to the Russians. However, the Canadian ice skaters got the contract for Crest Whitestrips ads.

Environmentalists were sullen and mute as the forests of the West burned. NOW protested CBS's Victoria's Secret fashion show and pronounced Tiger Woods an animal.

Sen. Hillary Clinton finished her memoirs as her husband asked for an extension on his because of a demanding schedule that included playing sax with Dan Akroyd for the grand opening of the Mohegan Sun Casino of upstate NY.

Airport security was federalized. Crackerjack screeners who know Jack Daniels when they smell him caught all pilots with blood alcohol levels above 0.04.

The truly tacky memorial service/pep rally for the late Sen. Paul Wellstone (D-Minn) had so many viewers that Republicans swept the elections the following Tuesday. But Democrats were revived when Mr. Gore announced that he would not run in 2004.

The year ended on a sad note. Actress Kim Cattrall, co-star of Sarah Jessica Parker, threw her co-author third husband (Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm) out because he was "obsessed" with sex. Apparently, there was too much sex in the city.

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JWR contributor Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University. Send your comments by clicking here.


12/26/02: Capital offenses, power and Harry Potter
12/20/02: Mundane superlatives cause trouble
12/09/02: Let the sacking begin
12/05/02: Amazing Grace that saved me from my CO2 emissions
11/27/02: Free speech, Harvard, and First Amendment looneys
11/25/02: Eminem culture
11/14/02: Hollywood trash
11/04/02: Patron Kennedy Saints
10/28/02: What the snipers and Moose taught
10/22/02: Nobel Prizes and other ventriloquist acts
10/17/02: The window on the liberal mind and war
10/14/02: Leaders don't change; followers do
10/07/02: Do it yourself
09/27/02: Hosers rise again
09/20/02: Girly gridiron
09/13/02: Erudite buffoons
09/11/02: One year later, crass demands, greed, and litigation are back --- but rights are diminished
09/06/02: Public schools: An unqualified success
08/30/02: The Shakespearean tragedy of affirmative action
08/23/02: Hollywood Joe's admission
08/15/02: Cheapskates
08/08/02: Ode to a coal miner
08/02/02: Sarah Brady's gun gift
07/26/02: Don't do it, Tiger
07/18/02: Reality Muppets
07/09/02: We're all going to die, live with it
07/02/02: From the eye of the storm
06/27/02: Nick not right
06/20/02: Behind the music
06/14/02: The sum of all fears in vouchers
06/06/02: Where was Agent Rowley when the FBI needed her?
05/30/02: Of big hair and sanity
05/24/02: Should I embrace liberalism?
05/20/02: Some passion about Israel
05/09/02: A mother who cares enough
05/02/02: Go ahead, pass judgment
04/29/02: The irritation of the modern wedding
04/18/02: Claire's life
04/15/02: Harvard takes off its pants one leg at a time
04/09/02: The Clinton legacy: Politics of personal destruction
03/31/02: Oscars' subtle bigotry was embarrassing
03/22/02: Blame Oprah, Rosie, Sally, Ted, David
03/14/02: The costs of women's feeble choices
03/08/02: Botoxic faces
02/28/02: The dangers of organized philanthropy
02/25/02: Don't take the gold
02/14/02: Ease up on the brothers and sisters
02/11/02: Because I was courted
02/05/02: Fat fault
01/24/02: Tolerance does not mean stupidity
01/17/02: Too old too soon
01/10/02: Ethically challenged firms
01/03/02: The year that was
12/27/01: The Twelve Days of inconsistency
12/20/01: Free Speech and the political spectrum
12/13/01: Curbing brats
12/06/01: Power to influence
11/29/01: The disappearing art of grading
11/21/01: The Big Two-Five
11/13/01: You can never find a lib when you need one
11/01/01: Unlucky in sports
10/26/01: An epidemic of counselitis
10/16/01: A touch of class
10/12/01: Of human nature and monsters
10/05/01: Sensitive man
10/01/01: Post-September 11 security
09/20/01: No tinhorn terrorists can frighten us
09/06/01: If there is no honor in youth sports, it is because of the adults
08/27/01: The draw of Condit
08/23/01: Lowering expectations and flying high
08/17/01: Thoreau, Walden and stems cells
08/13/01: Our masters: The animals
07/30/01: When principle hits too close to home
07/13/01: Rage born of sublimation
07/06/01: Patient's rights and the Valley of Death
06/29/01: There is no excuse
06/21/01: I want an eternal soulmate, but the marriage thing is another issue
06/14/01: Which way maverick McCain? An Arizonan's perspective
06/07/01: No stroke of genius
05/30/01: The lesson of the Mr. Green Jeans senator: 'Moderate' is a classy term for wishy-washy
05/25/01: Baseball has not been so good to me
05/18/01: Clothes make the woman
05/11/01: Selective precaution
05/04/01: Grades: Equality of students, by students, for the students
04/27/01: The Horowitz revelations as seen by a college professor
04/20/01: First, let's kill all the tests
04/13/01: The continuing mistake of underpricing electricity
04/06/01: That pill, Julia Roberts
03/29/01: If it weren't for the parents, we might accomplish something
03/23/01: The melt down of the academy
03/15/01: Columbine redux: Moral infants
03/09/01: The lessons of Tom and Nicole
03/01/01: Pardon the temporary outrage
02/23/01: In defense of homework
02/20/01: A Message for faith-based organizations: Don't take the money, just run
02/06/01: Enough already with the Clintoons
01/26/01: The challenge to be better than we have been
01/19/01: Where have you gone Frieda Pushnik?
12/29/00: The year that was
12/23/00: Litigation: It's the American way
12/15/00: In defense of rhetoric
12/06/00: The company we keep: Lawyers and elections
12/01/00: Liberals' art of trashing of women
11/20/00: Put me out of my misery
11/17/00: On being a statesman
11/13/00: When it's broke, fixing it wouldn't offend the Framers
11/08/00: ELECTION 2000: I SURRENDER
10/27/00: Al in the package? Memo to women: Choosing presidents and husbands
10/20/00: Ten things the gay community should understand
10/13/00: "You Have a Lump."
10/06/00: The government as the pharmacy: Don't
09/29/00: The capacity for truth
09/22/00: Charity with strings and an agenda
09/15/00: The taming of the shrew: Gloria Steinem takes a husband
09/09/00: Why rich folk don't bother me none
08/28/00: Survival of the not-so-fit but conniving
08/25/00: Conventions: A study in contrasts
08/18/00: Resenting the accusations of racial prejudice
08/04/00: Women: Their own worst enemy
07/21/00: Hillary: Our longshoreman First Lady
07/21/00: SUVs: The root of all evil
07/14/00: The basketball gene and white men not jumping so well
07/07/00: I wanna be around
06/23/00: The liberal conversion
06/14/00: Sex and the City: The shallow but vulgar female
06/08/00: No excuses schools
06/02/00: Oh, Canada: Our Nutty Neighbors to the North
05/23/00: The new mollycoddling coach
05/16/00: On adultery and leadership
05/12/00: Taking your lumps
05/02/00: Elian: There's never a liberal around when you need one
04/25/00: Life's circle and tenderness
04/18/00: Womyn who want it both ways
04/11/00: The monsters we're raising with the ergo proposition
04/05/00: Endowing the Hooters Chair for Literature Appreciation
03/28/00: Dr. Laura: The passive/aggressive kid's mom
03/21/00: Dough and campaigns
03/14/00: The volunteerism of conscription and pomp
03/07/00: Hope and pray that religion remains a force in politics
02/29/00: Ditzes in TV Land
02/22/00: Cranky nitpickers make writing a [sic] experience
02/15/00: Those chameleon 60s activists
02/08/00: McCandidate McCain: Flirting with principles
02/01/00: The demise of marriage
01/25/00: Stroke of the pen, law of the land: Clinton's Camelot
01/18/00: Off the Rocker Rorschach Test
01/11/00: Oprah's lemmings
01/04/00: Struggling mightily amidst the comfort
12/23/99: Confused fathers
12/14/99: Drop-kicking the homeless
12/07/99: Turtles and teamsters, side-by-side in Seattle
11/29/99: When conservatives behave badly
11/22/99: Compassionate conservative: Timing and targets
11/18/99: The elusive human spirit and accountability
11/11/99: Succumbing to the intellectual child within with the help of crackpots and screwballs
10/28/99: Live by litigation, die by litigation
10/22/99: Jesse, Warren, Cybill, Donald and Oprah
10/14/99: Inequality and injustice: It's the big one
10/05/99: Dan Quayle, morals and schoolyard bullies
09/30/99: The monsters of epidermal parenting
09/21/99: The Diversity Hoax
09/15/99: Waco Wackos
09/09/99: Selective censorship
09/01/99: The village, the children, judicial imperialism and abortion
08/24/99: Naughty Newt?
08/17/99: In defense of Boy Scouts and judgment
08/10/99: Ruining the finest health care system in the world
08/03/99: Nihilism and politics: ethics on the lam
07/26/99: Of women, soccer and removed jerseys
07/23/99: Not in despair, a mere mortal doing just fine
07/20/99: "Why me?" How about "Why us?"
07/13/99: Bunk, junk & juries
07/06/99: An Amish woman in a Victoria's Secret store
06/30/99: That intellectually embarrassing Second Amendment
06/24/99: Patricia Ireland eat your heart out --- but check out the recipe in 'women's mags' first
06/22/99: Dems and the Creator coup
06/17/99: True courage is more than just admitting troubles

© 2002, Marianne M. Jennings