Jewish World Review Nov. 21, 2001/ 6 Kislev, 5762

Marianne M. Jennings

Marianne M. Jennings
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
David Limbaugh
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports


The Big Two-Five


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com -- ON the morning of my 25th wedding anniversary I woke up with a male foot on my neck. Lest you fear descent into debauchery, it was the foot of my six-year-old son who had slipped into our bed during the night owing to nightmares involving 30 spelling words, Nintendo shortages, or other elementary school horrors.

A 25th wedding anniversary should be cause for sounding trumpets! But the world no longer heralds anniversaries. There aren't enough lasting marriages to establish celebration patterns. Queen Elizabeth invited to her 50th anniversary party all the couples in England who were married on the same day as she and Prince Phillip. They could fit in Buckingham Palace for tea and trumpets.

This lack of celebration also has its roots in the fear of offending those who succumbed to the seven-year itch. So, the hard work of staying married passes with nary a note of praise. Could a little recognition for a difficult job well done be so offensive?

When I hear John Lennon sing, "All we are saying, is give peace a chance," I mutter, "Easy for you to say, buddy. Your first marriage ended in an Ono-induced divorce. Try doing 25 years with tykes in bed with you instead of a naked Yoko in a Toronto hotel with room service. Then we'll talk world peace."

Marriage is not for the faint-hearted. It's a breeding ground for revenge. My husband recently complained about my rolling his socks together when I folded laundry. He said this practice stretches the sock elastic, thereby causing drooping. So, I threw his socks in his drawer. He complained of separation and resulting mismatched socks. This little red hen of laundry bit her tongue but then tied all of his socks together in 3 knots. Knee-hi pairs got four knots. Tying the knot is so blissful.

Not only is marriage difficult, there is a dearth of good marriage books (non-fiction). The Rules for Marriage, written by the two ditzes who brought us The Rules, offers this as Rule #42, "Date ASAP after Your Divorce." A book on successful marriage offers post-divorce advice?

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail gives the classic, "Never go to bed angry." Ignore this. Go to bed hopping mad because in the morning you'll have the diversion of sorting through kids. Your marital bed is a gigantic game of Jenga with bodies. When the kids are no longer in bed with you, the blessing of memory loss kicks in. Continue to go to bed mad because in the morning you can't remember where you left your shoes, reading glasses or Metamucil let alone what you were arguing about.

Rules for Marriage offers this advice in its pre-divorce segment: Eat in your lingerie. These gals have been dipping into the kids' Dimetapp. Stretch marks and post-40 bodies revealed via lingerie kill the appetite. Also, children play 20 questions when you show up at the dinner table dressed as a harlot.

Hollywood's view of marriage is almost as realistic as Lennon's world peace. American Beauty depicted married couples as miserable, immoral and daft. Our lives may be entangled in Weed Eaters, but that's as confused and kinky as we get.

When Hollywood doesn't depict marrieds as demented heathens, it offers romantic platitudes such as Love Story's naive counsel, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." I'm still apologizing for accidentally painting the garage floor with over spray in 1982. By 1983 the paint had worn off, but mention Krylon around my husband and the red-floored garage debacle story is yours.

With few literary resources and films from Mars, we're left to chart the marriage trail on our own. Long-lasting marriages are not nearly as mysterious as seven-year itchers believe. I'm just grateful for someone who has been willing to stand by me for 25 years. And in between those tense moments and petty annoyances is the tenderness never adequately documented in book or film.

For 25 years my husband has failed to enter his checks in the checkbook. But he has never failed to call me at least once each day from the office, even on days when his socks were slumped around his ankles or on those when he was late from untying them.

I snore like a Hoover choked with pellets. Despite the resulting lack of sleep, my husband joins me at 6 AM to bathe our child with severe disabilities, employing a lift system that flummoxes nuclear engineers. His cereal slurping irks me, but yesterday I stopped outside one child's room and eavesdropped as the big lug gently eased a sleepy, grumpy lad into the day. Who couldn't overlook the sock whining?

So, there I was, 25 years after my wedding ceremony in bed with a foot crimping my carotid artery. It was a tender moment. We made it to 25 years of marriage in complete defiance of the odds, the films, and advice on eating attire. Sound those trumpets. Just make sure they're louder than the snoring.


JWR contributor Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University. Send your comments by clicking here.

Up

11/13/01: You can never find a lib when you need one
11/01/01: Unlucky in sports
10/26/01: An epidemic of counselitis
10/16/01: A touch of class
10/12/01: Of human nature and monsters
10/05/01: Sensitive man
10/01/01: Post-September 11 security
09/20/01: No tinhorn terrorists can frighten us
09/06/01: If there is no honor in youth sports, it is because of the adults
08/27/01: The draw of Condit
08/23/01: Lowering expectations and flying high
08/17/01: Thoreau, Walden and stems cells
08/13/01: Our masters: The animals
08/02/01: FRAN, MARY JO, MONICA & CHANDRA
07/30/01: When principle hits too close to home
07/13/01: Rage born of sublimation
07/06/01: Patient's rights and the Valley of Death
06/29/01: There is no excuse
06/21/01: I want an eternal soulmate, but the marriage thing is another issue
06/14/01: Which way maverick McCain? An Arizonan's perspective
06/07/01: No stroke of genius
05/30/01: The lesson of the Mr. Green Jeans senator: 'Moderate' is a classy term for wishy-washy
05/25/01: Baseball has not been so good to me
05/18/01: Clothes make the woman
05/11/01: Selective precaution
05/04/01: Grades: Equality of students, by students, for the students
04/27/01: The Horowitz revelations as seen by a college professor
04/20/01: First, let's kill all the tests
04/13/01: The continuing mistake of underpricing electricity
04/06/01: That pill, Julia Roberts
03/29/01: If it weren't for the parents, we might accomplish something
03/23/01: The melt down of the academy
03/15/01: Columbine redux: Moral infants
03/09/01: The lessons of Tom and Nicole
03/01/01: Pardon the temporary outrage
02/23/01: In defense of homework
02/20/01: A Message for faith-based organizations: Don't take the money, just run
02/06/01: Enough already with the Clintoons
01/26/01: The challenge to be better than we have been
01/19/01: Where have you gone Frieda Pushnik?
12/29/00: The year that was
12/23/00: Litigation: It's the American way
12/15/00: In defense of rhetoric
12/06/00: The company we keep: Lawyers and elections
12/01/00: Liberals' art of trashing of women
11/20/00: Put me out of my misery
11/17/00: On being a statesman
11/13/00: When it's broke, fixing it wouldn't offend the Framers
11/08/00: ELECTION 2000: I SURRENDER
10/27/00: Al in the package? Memo to women: Choosing presidents and husbands
10/20/00: Ten things the gay community should understand
10/13/00: "You Have a Lump."
10/06/00: The government as the pharmacy: Don't
09/29/00: The capacity for truth
09/22/00: Charity with strings and an agenda
09/15/00: The taming of the shrew: Gloria Steinem takes a husband
09/09/00: Why rich folk don't bother me none
08/28/00: Survival of the not-so-fit but conniving
08/25/00: Conventions: A study in contrasts
08/18/00: Resenting the accusations of racial prejudice
08/04/00: Women: Their own worst enemy
07/21/00: Hillary: Our longshoreman First Lady
07/21/00: SUVs: The root of all evil
07/14/00: The basketball gene and white men not jumping so well
07/07/00: I wanna be around
06/23/00: The liberal conversion
06/14/00: Sex and the City: The shallow but vulgar female
06/08/00: No excuses schools
06/02/00: Oh, Canada: Our Nutty Neighbors to the North
05/23/00: The new mollycoddling coach
05/16/00: On adultery and leadership
05/12/00: Taking your lumps
05/02/00: Elian: There's never a liberal around when you need one
04/25/00: Life's circle and tenderness
04/18/00: Womyn who want it both ways
04/11/00: The monsters we're raising with the ergo proposition
04/05/00: Endowing the Hooters Chair for Literature Appreciation
03/28/00: Dr. Laura: The passive/aggressive kid's mom
03/21/00: Dough and campaigns
03/14/00: The volunteerism of conscription and pomp
03/07/00: Hope and pray that religion remains a force in politics
02/29/00: Ditzes in TV Land
02/22/00: Cranky nitpickers make writing a [sic] experience
02/15/00: Those chameleon 60s activists
02/08/00: McCandidate McCain: Flirting with principles
02/01/00: The demise of marriage
01/25/00: Stroke of the pen, law of the land: Clinton's Camelot
01/18/00: Off the Rocker Rorschach Test
01/11/00: Oprah's lemmings
01/04/00: Struggling mightily amidst the comfort
12/23/99: Confused fathers
12/14/99: Drop-kicking the homeless
12/07/99: Turtles and teamsters, side-by-side in Seattle
11/29/99: When conservatives behave badly
11/22/99: Compassionate conservative: Timing and targets
11/18/99: The elusive human spirit and accountability
11/11/99: Succumbing to the intellectual child within with the help of crackpots and screwballs
10/28/99: Live by litigation, die by litigation
10/22/99: Jesse, Warren, Cybill, Donald and Oprah
10/14/99: Inequality and injustice: It's the big one
10/05/99: Dan Quayle, morals and schoolyard bullies
09/30/99: The monsters of epidermal parenting
09/21/99: The Diversity Hoax
09/15/99: Waco Wackos
09/09/99: Selective censorship
09/01/99: The village, the children, judicial imperialism and abortion
08/24/99: Naughty Newt?
08/17/99: In defense of Boy Scouts and judgment
08/10/99: Ruining the finest health care system in the world
08/03/99: Nihilism and politics: ethics on the lam
07/26/99: Of women, soccer and removed jerseys
07/23/99: Not in despair, a mere mortal doing just fine
07/20/99: "Why me?" How about "Why us?"
07/13/99: Bunk, junk & juries
07/06/99: An Amish woman in a Victoria's Secret store
06/30/99: That intellectually embarrassing Second Amendment
06/24/99: Patricia Ireland eat your heart out --- but check out the recipe in 'women's mags' first
06/22/99: Dems and the Creator coup
06/17/99: True courage is more than just admitting troubles

© 2000, Marianne M. Jennings