Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review June 21, 2001/ 30 Sivan, 5761

Marianne M. Jennings

Marianne M. Jennings
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
David Limbaugh
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports


I want an eternal soulmate, but the marriage thing is another issue


http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- THE National Marriage Project at Rutgers University released the results of a survey of twentysomethings on marriage. Their tattoos and nose studs are the least of our worries. Ninety-four percent said that their first requirement in a spouse is finding a soul mate. Well, la-de-da. Wait until their little soul mates develop hemorrhoids.

The Oprahfication of America is complete. New Ageism has finished its tarot card coup d'etat on wisdom. Accompanying the Rutgers survey release were the findings that the few healthy survivors of the NASDAQ crash were the psychic readings Web sites. Are these young people aware that Dionne Warwick could not even find her way to San Jose? How can they rely on her infomercial psychics for direction in life?

Actually, the soul mate statistic is the most heartening one in the survey. 80% of female respondents feel a husband "who can communicate this deepest feelings" is more important than one who can provide economic support. Listen to me, dear Gen X gals. A husband with a regular paycheck trumps sensitivity, incense, candles and anything else mystic tossed about a one-bedroom walk-up you and your Deepak Chopra clone will share at your expense. "I feel your pain" does not a mortgage payment make.

My husband and I have been married a quarter of a century, the last 19 years dominated by four children. Our last deep conversation centered around the date and location for the city's hazardous waste collection. I've never met anyone who understood the intricacies and rules of municipal trash better than this man. He knows his plastics, toxins, and recyclables rules.

Further, he loaded up the paint cans, vintage 1979, the Zap tile cleaner, circa 1985, and found the collection site. Heathcliff's and Cathy's time on the moors could not be as romantic.

I remain confused on the soul mate concept. Angelina Jolie professes to have found one somewhere beneath the whiskers and Prozac of Billy Bob Thornton. I count the word "soul mate" in six Julia Roberts' interviews about 6 different men. Even after studying the full report from Rutgers, I could find no definition of "soul mate."

However, the answers to other questions provide some insight. The twentysomethings believe soul mates emerge only after living with a person "24/7," as they say. In fact, 62% believe you shouldn't get married unless you have lived together. The tattooed tykes are unaware that couples that live together before marriage have higher divorce rates.

They do not see any connection between religion and a soul mate. In fact, only 42% see religion as a factor in their marriage decisions. Religion and faith apparently are not mirrors on the soul. The cherubs ignore high divorce rates among couples with different religions and high marriage success rates among couples that share a faith.

Even fewer see education or socioeconomic background as a soul mate issue. Chelsea Clinton's soul mate is not likely to be a longshoreman, unless, of course, her mother's popularity among New Yorkers should wane and an arranged union marriage would bring votes. A longshoreman reared on shots of Wild Turkey, hogies, and white tank tops won't cotton to a spot of tea and crumpets at Oxford.

This soul mate thing misses the point of marriage. Then again, so do these twentysomethings. Their responses remind me of Miss America contestants on their goals in life, "I want to be a neurosurgeon, raise my own goat cheese and bring about world peace with Bono." Why don't these young people study successful marriages and then apply their infamous talents for reverse engineering to figure out what works?

Therein lies the problem. Their demographics bear out that they are the spawn of the ever-divorcing baby boomers. They have not been around successful marriages and are not particularly well-versed in them.

With a dearth of examples and no religious training, they have reinvented the wheel, drawing on "me" principles for their New Age formula for marital bliss. "My" soul mate. "My" happiness. Only 16% see the role of marriage as an economic and social unit for raising children. Me, me, me, 24/7 me! They will look for all the wrong things, in all the wrong people, all with unrealistic expectations trying to find "me." Their disconnect with the role of marriage in society and in developing, not finding, a soul mate, does not bode well.

Twentysomethings put the chicken before the egg. The inner most feelings of another emerge only through growth born of commitment to causes greater than self such as children, faith and commitment. In fact, the terms children, faith and commitment are missing from both the soul mate survey and in its respondents.

One final statistic: though they believe they will find their soul mate, over 60% of the twentysomethings worry they may not be able to make marriage work. This insight is profound and prophetic. What the Xers don't realize is their failure at marriage will be the result of their misguided searches for "soul mates."


JWR contributor Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University. Send your comments by clicking here.

Up

06/14/01: Which way maverick McCain? An Arizonan's perspective
06/07/01: No stroke of genius
05/30/01: The lesson of the Mr. Green Jeans senator: 'Moderate' is a classy term for wishy-washy
05/25/01: Baseball has not been so good to me
05/18/01: Clothes make the woman
05/11/01: Selective precaution
05/04/01: Grades: Equality of students, by students, for the students
04/27/01: The Horowitz revelations as seen by a college professor
04/20/01: First, let's kill all the tests
04/13/01: The continuing mistake of underpricing electricity
04/06/01: That pill, Julia Roberts
03/29/01: If it weren't for the parents, we might accomplish something
03/23/01: The melt down of the academy
03/15/01: Columbine redux: Moral infants
03/09/01: The lessons of Tom and Nicole
03/01/01: Pardon the temporary outrage
02/23/01: In defense of homework
02/20/01: A Message for faith-based organizations: Don't take the money, just run
02/06/01: Enough already with the Clintoons
01/26/01: The challenge to be better than we have been
01/19/01: Where have you gone Frieda Pushnik?
12/29/00: The year that was
12/23/00: Litigation: It's the American way
12/15/00: In defense of rhetoric
12/06/00: The company we keep: Lawyers and elections
12/01/00: Liberals' art of trashing of women
11/20/00: Put me out of my misery
11/17/00: On being a statesman
11/13/00: When it's broke, fixing it wouldn't offend the Framers
11/08/00: ELECTION 2000: I SURRENDER
10/27/00: Al in the package? Memo to women: Choosing presidents and husbands
10/20/00: Ten things the gay community should understand
10/13/00: "You Have a Lump."
10/06/00: The government as the pharmacy: Don't
09/29/00: The capacity for truth
09/22/00: Charity with strings and an agenda
09/15/00: The taming of the shrew: Gloria Steinem takes a husband
09/09/00: Why rich folk don't bother me none
08/28/00: Survival of the not-so-fit but conniving
08/25/00: Conventions: A study in contrasts
08/18/00: Resenting the accusations of racial prejudice
08/04/00: Women: Their own worst enemy
07/21/00: Hillary: Our longshoreman First Lady
07/21/00: SUVs: The root of all evil
07/14/00: The basketball gene and white men not jumping so well
07/07/00: I wanna be around
06/23/00: The liberal conversion
06/14/00: Sex and the City: The shallow but vulgar female
06/08/00: No excuses schools
06/02/00: Oh, Canada: Our Nutty Neighbors to the North
05/23/00: The new mollycoddling coach
05/16/00: On adultery and leadership
05/12/00: Taking your lumps
05/02/00: Elian: There's never a liberal around when you need one
04/25/00: Life's circle and tenderness
04/18/00: Womyn who want it both ways
04/11/00: The monsters we're raising with the ergo proposition
04/05/00: Endowing the Hooters Chair for Literature Appreciation
03/28/00: Dr. Laura: The passive/aggressive kid's mom
03/21/00: Dough and campaigns
03/14/00: The volunteerism of conscription and pomp
03/07/00: Hope and pray that religion remains a force in politics
02/29/00: Ditzes in TV Land
02/22/00: Cranky nitpickers make writing a [sic] experience
02/15/00: Those chameleon 60s activists
02/08/00: McCandidate McCain: Flirting with principles
02/01/00: The demise of marriage
01/25/00: Stroke of the pen, law of the land: Clinton's Camelot
01/18/00: Off the Rocker Rorschach Test
01/11/00: Oprah's lemmings
01/04/00: Struggling mightily amidst the comfort
12/23/99: Confused fathers
12/14/99: Drop-kicking the homeless
12/07/99: Turtles and teamsters, side-by-side in Seattle
11/29/99: When conservatives behave badly
11/22/99: Compassionate conservative: Timing and targets
11/18/99: The elusive human spirit and accountability
11/11/99: Succumbing to the intellectual child within with the help of crackpots and screwballs
10/28/99: Live by litigation, die by litigation
10/22/99: Jesse, Warren, Cybill, Donald and Oprah
10/14/99: Inequality and injustice: It's the big one
10/05/99: Dan Quayle, morals and schoolyard bullies
09/30/99: The monsters of epidermal parenting
09/21/99: The Diversity Hoax
09/15/99: Waco Wackos
09/09/99: Selective censorship
09/01/99: The village, the children, judicial imperialism and abortion
08/24/99: Naughty Newt?
08/17/99: In defense of Boy Scouts and judgment
08/10/99: Ruining the finest health care system in the world
08/03/99: Nihilism and politics: ethics on the lam
07/26/99: Of women, soccer and removed jerseys
07/23/99: Not in despair, a mere mortal doing just fine
07/20/99: "Why me?" How about "Why us?"
07/13/99: Bunk, junk & juries
07/06/99: An Amish woman in a Victoria's Secret store
06/30/99: That intellectually embarrassing Second Amendment
06/24/99: Patricia Ireland eat your heart out --- but check out the recipe in 'women's mags' first
06/22/99: Dems and the Creator coup
06/17/99: True courage is more than just admitting troubles

© 2000, Marianne M. Jennings