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Q: What do I do about a 4-year-old who immediately apologizes after doing something off-limits but repeats the behavior? Example: She knows she can't pluck our neighbors' flowers but will grab one and then immediately realize what she did and say, "Sorry!" Or she climbs over the back of the couch in an unsafe way, sees my face and says, "Sorry!" Or she dumps her entire water bottle out to see the splash and then, "Sorry!"
There's never any remorse; it's almost like we've somehow taught her you can do whatever you want as long as you toss out a "sorry" afterward. Most of the time it seems like an impulse control or curiosity issue and not intentional power struggles or reaction-seeking. However, I'm not sure how to course correct, and my husband's coping mechanism is to hover over her 24/7 to try to prevent these things, which is leading to power struggles and intentional lashing out.
I know some of these things we should just let go and we do (the amount of water I clean up without making a big deal out of it!), but other things like picking flowers have real consequences and are unavoidable - we can't avoid every flower in our neighborhood, and daily walks help all of us stay sane.
How do we set ourselves up for success when we've got a kid who is seeming more and more like an impulse monster?
— Impulsive
A: Impulsive: Thank you for writing in!
I love questions like this because, unknowingly, you've answered almost every issue in your query! Let's look more closely at 4-year-old children, impulse control (or lack thereof) and how to parent this age without losing your mind (mostly).
So, the typical 4-year-old is a lovely and challenging human. I like to describe them as the quintessential "big and little" child; one moment you have a child who seems to understand patience and compassion, the next moment the child is having a tantrum. It is a confusing time for most parents because it can feel like you cannot do anything right by the child.
A 4-year-old is also starting to have a lot of their own big ideas while having scant access to logic, so "discussing" issues with them is maddening. Their caretakers are still their everything, though. Preschoolers are watching everything you do and say, so when your daughter does something "naughty," it isn't premeditated, but she is highly aware of how you feel. She is completely locked into your disapproving face, and it sounds like you have been asking her to say, "sorry" every time she has done something wrong.
Impulsiveness is a hallmark of this age. The fake apologies aren't working and shadowing her at every opportunity isn't feasible, so how do you avoid your child turning into an impulse monster? First, change how you understand her behavior. She isn't being naughty, she is playing and exploring. She likes to pour water out? How and where can she do this safely and with less of a mess in the house? The sink? The tub? Those standing water play tables? Where can she climb safely in the house? When you go out, excitedly show your daughter when flowers can be picked; dandelions come to mind. Cleaning up can also be play for a 4-year-old (seriously, ask a preschool teacher). Have a stack of dish towels at her level to clean up any mess and, when there is a spill, silently hand her one while smiling. It will take time, but repetition and a positive attitude will lead to good results.
As for the power struggles, a parent can only struggle with a child when the parent keeps fighting back. Holding a boundary - every time your daughter climbs the couch dangerously, you wordlessly pick her up and move her - will inevitably bring tears, but you don't need to answer the tears with lectures or punishments or bribes. You can simply continue to hold the boundary and move on to the next thing.
I don't want to sugarcoat it; this is all very tiring. Please - whether in the form of parenting classes, books, podcasts or coaching - don't be afraid to reach out for help. Learning you are not alone is a balm for the weary parenting soul, and even if your daughter ends up needing more support with her impulsiveness down the road, you will be more prepared for it if you work on yourselves now. Again, focus on play, holding boundaries (not struggles) and giving your daughter real work.
Good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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