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Q: Dear Meghan: I am a single mom with a 4-year-old daughter. In the past year and a half, we moved 45 minutes away and then decided to move back to the area in November after a year to stay close to my parents. Over the course of two months, we stayed in six different places trying to find a permanent solution. It was a very stressful time, but she stayed happy throughout it.
At the preschool she transferred back into in November, she immediately became best friends with another kid whose parents were divorcing. His mom and I decided to live together at their house, with him being there half the time. The kids play great but definitely have some intense, siblinglike fights.
Her son is fun and charming most of the time, but when he's mean, he's really mean. He takes my daughter's toys away from her and tells her she can't have them. He has had some past behavioral issues at school and was moved to a different class. He has massive tantrums and even throws up from them.
My daughter has never had behavioral issues. She's polite, social, teachers love her and she makes friends everywhere. However she is very clingy with her best friend. She talks about him nonstop: "Where is he? What is he doing? When is he coming home? I miss him so much." He loved it in the beginning and still does a lot of the time, but he needs space. She has gotten somewhat better about giving it to him.
Today, his mom told me that she thinks his tantrums are due to my daughter's "intensity." That it makes him uncomfortable. She said he never has issues with any other friends and always plays nicely. I know my daughter is not to blame, but I do think she needs to not be so obsessed with everything her friend does. I've talked to her about this for a while, and it hasn't really gotten better. I'm looking for suggestions on how to help her be less intense about her friend.
- Less Intense
A: Less Intense: Thank you for writing, and congratulations on finding a home to settle into! Moving six times in two months is a heavy lift for anyone; add a 4-year-old to it (while being a single mom), and you have some real stress. I love the idea of cohabitating with another single mom. There has been an uptick in single moms supporting each other in this way, and the benefits are clear. But, of course, there are some pitfalls, too.
Both children sound lovely and typical. On a regular day, a 4-year-old is an intense person. You will see their blooming independence in one moment, and they will tantrum about seemingly nothing in the next. Now you take two 4-year-olds who have experienced extreme upheaval (divorce and chronic moving), and put them together? Yes, there's going to be some chaos, and it isn't productive to point fingers. They're just too immature.
Although your situation may be an unconventional type of setup for families (and again, not so much anymore), it still requires clear communication and boundaries. The best way forward is to schedule weekly meetings with the other mom to address behavioral issues both kids seem to have. What are the expectations with the kids (watching them, disciplining them, feeding them)? You can share your concerns with each other in a way that feels balanced and proactive, rather than panicked and reactive.
After you feel in rhythm with the other mom, begin to call "family meetings" together. Whether it's every evening or once a week, have short meetings to discuss what is coming up in the household, as well as shared problems that need solutions. Four-year-olds love to share their thoughts (even if they aren't always linear), and they are wonderful problem-solvers. This can help you redirect your daughter's "intensity" away from her friend. Ask any pre-K teacher that starts class with a "morning meeting." The best teachers use their skills to help young students solve problems and bring order to the room.
You will also note that everything in pre-K is visible and repeated. There are simple ways to cultivate more cooperation from this age group, including singing and clapping the rules out loud, checking and rechecking charts, and giving age-appropriate responsibilities to children. Again, given how much both your kids have been through, you can expect some "misbehavior" (I am loath to call it that; it is just behavior). They just need even more order, boundaries and loving leadership.
Along with the very short family meetings, create a list of the pain points in the household and make proactive plans around it. If the boy is always stealing her toys, what can be done to lessen these occurrences? If your daughter is checking on him, worried and following him around, how can you get in front of that with distraction, another job or simply allowing her to cry about not being able to follow him? You are not going to stop or prevent every upset (nor would you want to), but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure in this case.
Finally, look into an in-person or online parenting class focused on this age. Your local school, pediatrician or social services would have programs, and a Google search will yield results with all kinds of affordability. I strongly recommend looking into the excellent program, "Making Sense of Preschoolers," from Gordon Neufeld. The information is critical to help you understand your child, yes, but being in a community of like-minded parents is also very healing. You will not feel so alone in your struggles.
The good news is that if you hold weekly meetings with your housemate, you are less likely to allow an untenable situation to grow. If the other mother and son are struggling mightily, and you find yourself becoming the scapegoat for the suffering, you will be able to handle it head-on. Get support, start having meetings and keep going!
Good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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