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Q: Dear Meghan: We have a 4-year-old who acts out (shouts, doesn't listen to teachers well) at his preschool. There have been several times when teachers said he acts aggressively toward other kids and doesn't show any signs of concern or empathy. Other parents have expressed concerns about him when their children tell them how their day was.
This is very troubling to us because he is usually a pretty sweet kid at home. He is an only child and spends a lot of time with his two parents and grandparents, who are very close by. We are wondering whether this is normal and what we should do. How do you teach empathy, or is it too early to expect that in any real way? We're feeling concerned, worried and are not sure what to do. Thank you!
- Worried
A: Worried: Of course you are concerned; it isn't fun to hear these stories from teachers and parents, especially when you aren't seeing it at home. And you are asking a critically important question when it comes to empathy. Can it be taught and how?
As child psychologist Gordon Neufeld describes it, empathy is composed of two parts: caring (which all children have) and consideration (which almost no young children have). Young children, generally under 5 years old, are largely dealing with experiencing one big emotion at a time. When a 2-year-old is happy, they are completely happy. And when they don't get their way, they are completely unhappy. There isn't consideration, ambivalence or thoughtfulness about another person's point of view. Neufeld says almost all children care, but being considerate of others takes years. And empathy is something that emerges from an emotionally and physically safe environment, not from teaching, punishing or enacting consequences to teach a lesson.
So if you can't teach empathy, what else can you do for your son? You have some important data points that are worth exploring. For instance, your son is a sweet kid at home, is a singleton and spends most of his time with adults (parents and grandparents). This is all fabulous! I am thrilled that your son is getting so much love from the adults in his life. This could tell me that your son may not be accustomed to experiencing many "no's" in his life. Sharing, waiting his turn, listening to others, putting up with others' peccadillos may very well lead to a quick build in frustration and poof! Aggression. Aggression is a sign that his system has reached its limit of frustration, and that leads me to this question: Where does your son need support in experiencing frustration?
The job isn't to force him into empathy (because that has never, ever worked with any human), rather it is to help him experience his big feelings and lead toward other options. It is okay to want your way or to not like something! How can your son express that? I would recommend that your son play with more children outside of school. Work on gently frustrating him outside of school and help him work through these hard feelings without blame or shame. Simply going to your local park will help your son experience the rough and tumble of other children, and I would also recommend short and well-watched play dates. You can facilitate sharing, taking turns and working through big emotions. By keeping it short and well-monitored, you stay in response instead of reaction.
For in-school aggression, come up with a plan with his teacher. For example, maybe your son isn't interested in sharing the block corner and when another child comes over, he responds with a push or violent grab back. The teachers need to see this before or as it happens, quickly get down to the children's level and say, "I see the blocks are causing frustration. Larry (your son), let's practice saying what we would like here. ‘Sean, I am using these blocks, please don't touch them.' Sean, let's practice asking Larry if you can use some of them." And on it goes. Of course, teachers will not catch every interaction, but if you add up the time they take disciplining your son, they will find it takes far less time to help the children communicate. And when a plan is created, your son will feel supported and not like the "bad kid," which he is on his way to being labeled.
I recommend picking up "No Bad Kids" by Janet Lansbury, as well as "No-Drama Discipline" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. You may also want to check out the Neufeld Institute's courses on young children and their classes on empathy. However you proceed, know that healthy rules (lovingly upheld), patience in allowing time to do its work and seeing frustration (and its buddy, aggression) as part of life will keep you calmer as you weather these storms. Good luck.
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Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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