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Q: Dear Meghan: Our daughter is 7; she's bright, funny and full of personality. At this age, we're starting to see her peers peel off and start to excel in arts and sports. She has friends who play the piano, sing, dance, excel in tennis, start their own robotics club and master back handsprings.
She doesn't read above her grade level or bake realistic cakes for fun. I can't help but feel that I'm failing her because she's just - you know - a regular kid. With all these talented kids in her orbit, it's hard not to wonder: What if she never finds her "thing?"
- Lauren
A: Lauren: Thank you for writing in. You only have one question in your letter: "What if she never finds her thing?" but you also have a ribbon of anxiety swirling through your note. "I cannot help but feel I'm failing her" is understandable, but you are learning a good lesson right now: Don't believe everything you see. Seven-year-olds baking realistic cakes doesn't make them special, nor does it make a child "regular" to simply live a typical 7-year-old life.
Despite it not being necessary or even "good" for children, our culture pushes them to specialize their hobbies earlier and earlier. Is this phenomenon due to parents reacting to what the culture is selling them, or is the culture responding to the clamoring of parents for more, more, more? I'm not sure, but what I do know is you get to decide how you want to parent your daughter amid this pressure. Your misery, more than this culture, will keep you feeling like a failure much more than any talent your child pursues (or doesn't).
Developmentally, it isn't abnormal to see some children this age peel off and specialize in some activities. A 7-year-old is considered to be in a "time of reason," which means that they are having a growth spurt of empathy, compassion and the ability to understand another's point of view. While some of them may excel at and enjoy piano and robotics, the vast majority of 7-year-olds are still just living and playing at life. Most 7-year-olds need play to grow socially and emotionally, and we know what happens when children don't have enough recess, free time and true play. It hinders them across the social, emotional and academic domains.
You are feeling threatened by the perception of other children "getting ahead," when in reality, those other children and families don't have anything to do with you! Your best defense against this insecurity stemming from comparison is realizing when you are doing it and, for extra credit, figuring out why. Ask yourself: Why is being "regular" a failure? Why do you equate success with being specialized in one thing? This isn't about encouraging your daughter in her interests or not, this is about understanding yourself first, then responding with clarity and wisdom, rather than reacting in insecurity and anxiety. The more you understand yourself, the more clearly you will see our culture, both the good and the unnecessary.
As for what your daughter needs, simply enjoy her. She's "bright, funny and full of personality," so allow her interests to meander as they may. What a luxury to allow a child to be free in her interests! Fill her life with family, friends, nature, books, art, exercise, learning, novelty and routine. Children flourish in loving relationships, so the chances of her finding what brings her joy is correlated more to that than being forced into these activities. Engage her brightness to plan things for the family, be active in her community or sink into her imagination. Remember: There is no measure of success in being specialized in a talent. It is a cultural construct, so you have the power to choose that path.
Good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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