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Q: My husband has been through a lot of tough stuff in his life, and his silly side only comes out with our two children (one toddler and one baby) once in a blue moon. When it does, I feel my heart soar, and I wish I could find ways to nurture him, so he can tap into that more often. I brought it up once, and it came out wrong (as if I was saying he doesn't do X often enough). What I really want is for him to feel safe and drawn to playfulness more often, and I want to figure out how I might best support that.
A: This is a great letter; thank you so much for writing. It is important to recognize that your partner has experienced trauma or wounds and has trouble accessing his playful side. Although your intentions are good, nothing shuts play down more than the feeling of someone pushing it. Of course, when you see your husband joyful, your heart soars. My heart soars whenever I see a parent become playful, and I don't even have a horse in this race! So let's look at how you can support an environment where more joy can happen, while recognizing that your husband is not your project and that you are not going to heal him.
Whether the tough things in his life are wounds or deep traumas, know that humans are able to withstand a great many challenges and keep going. The trauma, many believe, isn't even the act of what happened (when your life felt acutely in danger or when you were consistently made to feel scared or ignored); rather, the trauma comes to settle in the body, because it didn't have anywhere to go. People who can move their emotions frequently and safely with someone they trust tend to not carry their trauma with them for years, even generations.
In his seminal work, "The Body Keeps the Score," Bessel van der Kolk says: "Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves."
Your husband, for whatever reason, had to set aside play and joy to attend to the bigger and basic needs of his life, so finding joy may feel alien, even scary, to him. But there are ways to further understand what is going on with your partner. Look into Gabor Maté, a great writer regarding trauma. Oprah Winfrey has also done an excellent job in bringing trauma forward with Prince Harry in the series "The Me You Can't See," as well as in the book "What Happened To You?," by Winfrey and Bruce Perry.
So much of parenting is about parenting ourselves, and this is especially true for parents who have yet to recognize and heal their own traumas. In my 20 years of working with children, families and parents, I have yet to meet a person without trauma or wounds. What do we do with all of this pain, especially when we are married to someone whose pain stands in the way of joy with their children?
The good news is that your husband did play with your children. (Yes, there are plenty of parents who are never playful or joyful.) It is in him to do this, so I would try to re-create the situations where joy was more easily accessed. I am not saying it is a guarantee that it will work, but why not go for low-hanging fruit? If your partner experienced joy while playing peekaboo or roughhousing, replicate those moments, and see what happens.
Unraveling trauma and wounds can be a lifelong endeavor, so please see this as a long-haul effort. You married and had kids with him, so I am guessing that he cannot be all misery, but I don't know. Go on a date (you need to anyway as parents of young children), and say: "Hey, I saw your joy with Lionel the other day, and it filled my heart. I know that can be a hard place for you to access. I just want you to know I see you." Then be quiet. If you don't fill the space with solutions or ideas, then you can see whether your spouse starts to open up. Maybe he'll light up and agree. Maybe he'll become uncomfortable. Maybe he'll brush it off. But see what happens, then decide where to go from there.
If his pain is affecting his relationship with everyone in the family, you can say: "I love you, and I know you love all of us. I am thinking that the tough stuff of your childhood is getting in the way sometimes, and I'm wondering whether you'd be willing to go to therapy, with me or alone. If not, maybe we could read a book together." He may balk, he may be grateful you said something, he may get angry, he may be defensive or resentful; I don't know. As the mother and wife, you have a fine line to tread between acknowledging that he is responsible for himself and not allowing resentment or worry to build to an untenable place.
If you begin to feel stuck, please reach out to a therapist or coach who specializes in trauma and who can help you navigate this important part of parenting. If your partner identifies outside of White, straight culture, it is important to try to find a therapist who specializes in helping diverse patients, because trauma can often be overlooked and become more complicated the further afield we go from White and straight.
In the meantime, find all the joy and play that parenting small children can bring. Yes, it is exhausting, but it can also be intimate, magical and deeply satisfying. Go slow with your spouse, and good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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