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Q: We've been modeling taking deep breaths to calm down for our now-toddler since she was born. Obviously, infancy is not a time when kids are learning how to self-regulate, but it seemed like a good practice to have in place for when she would start to learn, and it was helpful for staying regulated ourselves during a few inconsolable crying phases of infancy.
By about 18 months, when our daughter got frustrated, we would have her blow on our hands to do the breathing, and she did it willingly for more than six months. She just turned 2 and about a month ago, started losing her mind when we would do our breathing - triggering a full tantrum. After that happened twice, we stopped.
Her tantrums are mostly reserved for when we can't continue playing with/holding a/doing a thing; it is a thrice-weekly issue and only lasts for a few minutes. However, after two years of taking deep breaths in frustrating moments, it's not uncommon for my wife and I to take our own deep breaths when our daughter is having a difficult moment. This also causes our daughter to lose her mind. She yells, "NO NO NO! NO BREATHS!" and waves her hands at us.
Should we keep on this path? It really does upset her when we take a few calming breaths. We just want to be supportive during her frustrations, and it feels like we're doing the opposite. But also … we're allowed to breathe, right?
- Just Breathe
A: Just Breathe: Thank you for writing in; you have asked an important question with "Should we keep on this path?" - "this path" being the direct correlation between your mindful breathing (as well as your expectation that she breathes) and her tantrums. The good news is that the writing is on the wall: You should stop what you are doing, at least for a while. Obviously, everyone has to breathe, but you can stop all the theater that is going with it. Your body (and even your mind) do not need you to breathe in a "special" way to come to some sort of regulation. It can be virtually imperceptible.
While the breathing techniques are lovely and well-intentioned, there is an element of trying to "skip over" the frustration and suffering of life, and we simply cannot do that. Trying to get someone to "feel better" or calmer actually ends up making them feel more upset and frustrated. Emotions have a cycle: They build, peak and come down, which is how they are meant to be felt. You keep interrupting the cycle with the breathing. Even at her young age, your daughter has the innate wisdom to know she is being dismissed and manipulated, and she doesn't like it. It makes sense that you can avoid some frustration with a distraction or a game, but as your daughter gets older, she only becomes more allergic to your techniques, no matter how well-intentioned.
And not to pile on (because I would rather have the breathing than spanking or yelling), but every time you want her to breathe (or you start breathing), there is an unconscious cue that her feelings and emotions are "too much." There is an implicit message that "everyone has to always be calm and easy in our family," and that big messy feelings must be stopped, albeit with positive breathing techniques. Your goal isn't to raise calm humans; your goal is to raise humans who can experience the full range of emotions in an appropriate manner.
What should you do? When your daughter has a tantrum, just lovingly wait it out. You can sit on the floor or the couch near her and count your own breaths, silently. It may seem like an eternity, but she will eventually begin to calm and be ready for a hug. You can also take note of the different triggers that lead to the tantrums and make other plans. For instance, maybe you are giving your daughter too many choices (she's overwhelmed), maybe she needs a snack but you're asking her to wait for a meal, or maybe you are rushing her in the morning, but she needs five more minutes. If you feel like you have to speak, you can simply name what your daughter is frustrated with, "You are frustrated that there are bubbles in the tub" and wait to see what comes next. "It is hard when we don't want bubbles, but they are there." You may find a solution or it may be that you can hug her when nothing can be changed.
These numerous frustrations and outbursts are exhausting for parents but are absolutely necessary to help a child develop and mature. Without the frustration, there is no resilience, and without resilience the child cannot continue to face the challenges of life. Parenting at this young age is a unique dance of making life work for the child enough to bring some ease and safety, while also allowing the child to feel frustrated, cry about that and come out the other side. And no matter how many books you buy or experts you listen to, this dance has starts and stops that you must simply live through.
Your daughter sounds bright and perceptive; she knows that your breathing technique is what you were trying to force on her, so take care of your own nervous system, stay present and look to be proactive rather than reactive. Good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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