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Q: I have two girls, ages 5 1/2 and newly 3. My husband and I made a New Year's resolution to cultivate our own adult lives again (within reason, of course) because we are now out of the baby stages. So my husband has a weekly bar trivia night with friends, and I am in a book club and workout class. This has helped our mental health — which is the whole purpose! My parents are also great at regularly babysitting for us so we can enjoy dinner out.
But here is where our issue is. My younger child was a very easygoing baby, an easygoing 2-year-old, but as she was nearing 3, she emerged as a "threenager." When both my husband and I are home, we have an easy time separating the girls, who now are experts in aggravating each other. But we are really having a tough time with them when one of us is solo, which is getting to be once a week.
I want to be able to fully enjoy time away without wondering how my husband is doing, and I don't want to be thoroughly exhausted at the end of each solo night myself. Do you have any practical suggestions?
— Threenager
A: Threenager: Congratulations on the commitment to working on yourselves! Filling up your own cups is not only wonderful for yourselves, it also strengthens your marriage and parenting life. Parenting can become all-consuming, and the rut of young kids can slowly suck away hobbies and interests, leaving many parents feeling joyless and tired.
You and your partner need some plans for how to head off some of the tussles so you can protect that important time. Taking a page from preschool teachers is the easiest: Create a simple routine that consists of some play, some work and some rest. Have an easy activity to begin, knowing it may need to be scaled for your older child. (I love these ideas for both kids.) After the play, point to the list and say, "Now it's time to clean up." Of course, sing the cleanup song because music is the surest way to connect to children and move an activity along. I also love assigning sweeping, dusting and "washing dishes" to young children because it gives them a sense of agency, responsibility and pride. Then, it is snack and rest time. This can look however you want, but keep the sugar low in the evening, and I love some slow TV (please, please bring back "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood"). This routine will never be "perfect" or go to plan, but with repetition and your commitment to having fun, you will see how being with these ages can be fun and easy(ish).
You also need set plans for both of you when things get hard with your children. None of this will be easy, but you need to talk out and write down statements like: "When Audra pushes her sister Alicia, I will pick Audra up and move her to the couch/my lap/etc., make sure little sister is okay and move on to the next activity." Or "When Audra throws herself on the floor in a fit, I will sit nearby and wait for it to be over." These rules can also be shared with the family, and I invite you to ask the children for their ideas. The more buy-in from the kids, the better.
As a new 3-year-old, different aspects of your toddler's personality are coming out. Two-year-olds have a bad rap, but everyone who understands children knows that age 3 is when the going gets hard. The 3-year-old is still deeply attached to their caregivers like they were at 2, but they are also beginning to develop a sense of self — of true self, not just mimicking Mom and Dad. This comes out as frequently saying "no," developing opinions they never had before and discovering a whole new part of themselves. And while this growth is crucial, it is difficult to manage. For many parents, it can feel deeply challenging and, when we don't understand this stage, we think it is "misbehavior." It's not.
Pick up some primers on these young ages (I suggest "Rest, Play, Grow" by Deborah MacNamara or the classic "Your Three-Year-Old" by Louise Bates Ames and Frances Ilg). Changing your lens on these ages, while not eliminating the struggles, will help you empathize with your young ones, not vilify them. Seeing your children as having a hard time rather than giving you a hard time will help you work alongside them to problem solve or comfort, and you will be less likely to punish the child or just give up.
Tears will be shed, sibling fighting will ensue and tempers will flare, but this is family life. Keep returning to connection, play and holding clear boundaries, and you will all make it through — to the next tough developmental stage.
Good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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