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Q: Dear Meghan: I always enjoy reading your column and find myself aligned with your thoughts on parenting much of the time. However, I also struggle because a lot of your advice, especially with older children, is to ask them with curiosity and openness about their life and then simply listen.
I would love to do that. But all three of my children, when faced with an open-ended question followed by silence, just shrug. I believe I have good, not perfect, relationships with all of them, and I approach these conversations with genuine curiosity. We have as much time as we can find as a busy family of five to just be together, and we eat dinner together at every opportunity.
I have tried to model this kind of reflection and sharing from my own life. I offer them time to think about what the issue is and get back to me. I let them know I see them as partners in working through whatever is going on. Still nothing.
What is your advice once we have offered to sit and listen, but our children still tell us nothing?
- Trying to Listen
A: Trying to Listen: Thank you for your note, I truly appreciate you reading and writing in. I also appreciate how you are trying to connect with your children; every attempt does matter, no matter how futile it may feel. As our children get older, it is developmentally typical for them to become more private and possibly want to share less, but the fact that you are struggling to communicate with every child leads me to believe your style of communication is misfiring. Again, you clearly care and are trying, so it may be just some small tweaks!
One reason your children may not be chatting with you is you are simply not offering enough time to pass in the conversation. It is incredibly uncomfortable to sit and wait for your children to respond to you, so try actually glancing at a watch or clock to see how much time it takes for them to share something. Maybe you are giving them 15 seconds, and it takes longer for them to share something. If they are accustomed to shrugging their shoulders and you giving up, just waiting longer could work.
Your children could be tight-lipped because they feel guilty or ashamed by your conversation style. Maybe their honesty has gotten them in trouble in the past. For instance, if Cassandra was reprimanded in school for not completing homework, and you say, "Well, Cassandra, I know you got in trouble in school today and we've discussed your homework before. I don't know why you couldn't just do it like we talked about … so tell me what is going on." There may be an opening in the conversation (from your standpoint), but your child may feel defensive, judged and ashamed, hence, she doesn't want to share. So start really paying attention to your side of the conversation. Sure, you're open to learning about how your child feels, but have you front-loaded the conversation with judgment or guilt?
Your children could also be quiet because they don't know what you want from them or it could feel developmentally out of sync. If you send them away with a statement like, "Samuel, you are gaming too much, and I need for you to get back to me with a plan for how you will lessen the gaming," and, for example, Samuel is an average 10-year-old boy, that level of planning may be out of his developmental wheelhouse. So, he doesn't have a response.
Finally, having three kids is hectic; I know, I've done it. But maybe your children need another form of connection. It may sound ridiculous, but give all the talking a rest and focus on having fun with them. Plan a weekend day with each of them and do something fun. It can be anything you want, and as much or as little money as you want, but focus on simply being with your children without an agenda. Try to be comfortable in the silence and see if you can feel a thawing begin. It may take some time, but if they feel safe enough, they may start to open up more. But timing and humans are funny … you cannot control it nor can you guarantee it.
You have some great data here, and it's your turn to be curious about yourself. Zoom out, ask yourself some tough questions and spend time with your children in which play and laughter is center stage.
Good luck and don't give up!
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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