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Q: I have two granddaughters, 16 and 19, who have lived in the same town as me since their birth. I used to see them often; I took everyone on a beach trip or to a national park every summer, etc. I absolutely understand that teenagers form their own bubbles with their peers, but I so rarely see them now! Ouch!
The older one has autism, and I am especially concerned about her future and want to be as present as possible for her. They often don't reply to my texts or emails and never contact me unless I have contacted them. This makes me sad. I sat down with them and asked in a noncritical way how they'd like to be in touch, how often, what they'd like to do, etc.
I have spoken to my daughter, who says she has also spoken to them, but nothing has changed. What I imagine is leaving the door open and hoping age will bring more connection, but I am 76.
Any wisdom is appreciated! — Grandparent Blues
A: Grandparent Blues: For time eternal, grandparents have been a part of their grandchildren's lives. They have directly raised the children, provided a warm and loving "second space" in the family, and maintained both a nurturing and authoritative presence. Do not doubt that you have positively contributed to your grandchildren's lives.
I understand your feelings are hurt, and I give you a lot of credit for reaching out to the girls, as well as your daughter, about this. As you may remember from raising one yourself, this is the stage when a teen may be focused on themselves, their futures and their friends. Often that means that parents and grandparents take a back seat in importance.
It's not personal. Repeat this mantra to yourself when you need a reminder, especially when it comes to the granddaughter on the spectrum. You don't mention any specific issues with the 19-year-old, but it is typical for autistic humans to have myriad differences in connecting socially (not good, not bad; just different), so it is extra important to not take her inability to commit to seeing you personally.
So, other than not taking it personally, how are you supposed to connect with your granddaughters? My first recommendation is simple: stop asking. I am not suggesting that you tell your granddaughters and daughter what to do, but I am suggesting you step into your confidence and say, "I would like to have you over for dinner once a month, what day works best for you?"
It actually doesn't matter whether you have them over or you go over there; the point is that you won't see them if you keep waiting for their young brains to prioritize seeing you.
My second recommendation is to make or bring food that is both what they want and is special to you.
You don't have to overcomplicate this; if you love tomato soup and grilled cheese, then make that! One of the best ways to show you love someone is by making the most of the decisions when you're hosting. Look at it from this viewpoint: If a friend invited you to dinner and then, when you got there, they handed you takeout menus with a shrug, you wouldn't feel particularly cared for.
But if you showed up at their house, and they made their favorite meal, your favorite meal or a special meal from their culture or heritage, you would instantly feel more special.
The food almost becomes secondary. The point is this: Care for your granddaughters in a way that is easy and significant.
If a meal is too much, take them on short and easy outings. It doesn't matter what they are interested in, just go there. Overpriced coffee? Great. Art galleries? Lovely. Mall for shopping? Perfect. My own father, I can assure you, does not care that much about comic books, but he found some shops near his house and has taken my middle daughter. Poof! Connection! Not a lot of time or money spent, but the effort matters.
Finally, keep your expectations reasonable. Remember: Adults are there for children, not the other way around. This means that your granddaughters aren't meant to make you happy or fulfill your needs; you are meant to show up for them.
One of the beautiful parts of grandparenting is that you can delight in your granddaughters without exception.
Put aside the worries of the eldest — unless she or others are in danger — and find ways to enjoy her and her sister for who they are, right now.
Share stories and pictures of when the girls were little, share stories of your daughter, and share stories of your own upbringing. Keep it short and sweet, and rinse and repeat.
Good luck!
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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