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Q: Our baby is in an almost-toddler stage right now. He cries every time we do something to set boundaries, and won't stop until we get him what he needs. My husband and I are first-time parents, and are trying to figure out the best way to address these kinds of situations?
— Boundaries
A: Boundaries : Thank you for writing in!
Setting "boundaries" is something you do with your partner, your teen or tween, maybe even a 3-year-old. But parenting a 10-month-old? That's not about boundaries.
Parenting a 10-month-old solely consists of connection and attachment, because those are the primary needs of this age. Everything your son requires to grow into a mature human begins with how he connects with you and his caregivers. Therefore, your guiding questions can sound something like, "How will giving (or not giving) this toy to my son help him to trust me?" or "How will I comfort him when I cannot give him that toy?"
There doesn't need to be a discussion about a 10-month-old bumping into boundaries, experiencing consequences or learning their lessons because that is developmentally inappropriate. That will serve only to hurt your relationship with your son. If you let life naturally unfold, as it does, you will find that there are times when you can fulfill your child's needs and wants (which is your job and the right thing to do), and then there are times when you cannot meet the desires of your child.
For instance, your child wants to hold on to a special stuffy, but you know it is likely to get lost in the grocery store. You lovingly leave the stuffy behind as your son wails for it, and this is all normal. Your son wants what he wants (a hallmark of the age), and you must behave as his prefrontal cortex and make these decisions. This isn't a "boundary"; it is good and rational parenting! And your only job is to hug him and say, "Yes, it is hard Ernie cannot come into the store with us … he will be right here waiting," and then you keep it moving along.
Because a 10-month-old doesn't have rational thought, nor the ability to take many ideas under consideration, your life is going to be full of crying. If he wails, and you hand him back Ernie, is this a crisis? Well, no, but you are also not fulfilling your parenting role as being the one who makes the wise decisions. Losing Ernie is the bigger problem, so you must take the appropriate actions to protect your son (AND YOU) from the bigger problem. Tiring? Yes. But guess what? You have to act as your child's prefrontal cortex for years, so it is best to get used to it now. It isn't "boundary holding" but simply your job as an adult.
If you are withholding items or activities from your son to "toughen him up" or "teach him who's boss," you are causing undue suffering to yourself and him. There is no "learning" happening there. Imagine your partner was rushing to work, and you wanted a hug. They could offer you only a short one, and that made you sad, but they had to leave, and you understood. Now imagine your partner is just sitting around, and you are asking for a hug, but they just withhold it. They just say "no" because they can, no real reason offered. You will feel shunned, hurt and maybe angry. If your partner then hugs you only because you whine and get teary, you may feel temporarily better, but a new habit will form that you will get your needs met only if you cry and whine. A loop of insecurity has begun, when it is far simpler to just meet someone's needs and lovingly let them cry if you cannot.
I recommend looking at the Neufeld Institute to understand more about connection and young children. The reframe will be helpful, and it will provide a kinder and more stable guide for your parenting future. Good luck.
Good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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