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Q: Is it normal to feel like I was sold a lie when it comes to parenting? I have two under 4, and I am miserable on a daily basis. I wonder literally every day why I did this to myself. I look at other moms, and it seems like everyone actually likes parenting little kids. Does it get better?
— 2 Under 4
A: 2 Under 4: Thank you for writing in!
Yes, it gets better. And then no. And then yes. And then … no. And then, kind of?
Welcome to motherhood! Welcome to the world of double standards, little support, isolation and the endless data about parenting (much of it unhelpful). We also will gaslight you if you mention that you are not loving the job because our culture still only associates "parenting" with "mothering," and you are meant to be in a state of bliss (or at least deep fulfillment).
Don't get me wrong, fathers have come a long way; collectively, they do more now than they ever have. Still, there's a long way to go to get to parity. From running appointments to helping with homework to feeling judged, women report carrying more responsibility than their male counterparts. This leads to higher rates of burnout, stress-related illnesses, depression, anxiety and more for mothers.
The pièce de résistance is how American culture is struggling with our policies around child care and family leave. As of right now, the United States has no federally paid family leave. There is no universal child care, and parents are faced with an extraordinarily expensive child care market (that is also shrinking by the day).
All this to say: Give yourself a break. Maybe other moms are having more fun. More likely, they're putting all their energy into making it to the other side, too.
Tending to your mental and physical health is part of how you'll make it to that other side of this tough parenting moment. It could well be that you are feeling depressed watching other mothers seemingly love life. You could also have postpartum depression (PPD), which can be caused by a rapid change in hormones, exhaustion and your body's own tendencies toward depression. From "baby blues" to full psychosis, PPD used to be waved away in medical offices, but it is now being treated as the serious condition that it is. It is worthwhile for you to write down all of your symptoms, their duration and severity, and have a full physical with your doctor.
It's also okay to admit that maybe you just don't love parenting - or at least parenting young children. I have a distinct memory of sitting on the floor with one of my children, putting on and taking off Calico Critter clothing and thinking to myself: "I am going to die of boredom. On this floor. Right now." I loved (and love) my children, but parenting very young children was rough on me, and so I always was doing something else: finishing my masters, working outside the home, volunteering, starting my own business. It was a privilege to patchwork my parenting and work life like this, but it was also hard, and easy to feel seething resentment toward everyone - society, my spouse, other moms and my own children.
Finding your lane in these early parenting years is crucial for your mental health as well as the mental health of your children. Your children don't understand that your disbelief, anger, fatigue, boredom or any other feeling isn't about them personally; they will feel like they are the problem. And I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, but when parents are distant and stressed, it creates insecurity in the children (which can lead to a whole host of mental health issues).
It behooves the whole family system for you to prioritize your mental health. Parenting young children is hard, so please see your doctor, find a good therapist and take care of yourself.
Good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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