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Jewish World Review Nov. 13, 2002 / 8 Kislev, 5763

Art Buchwald

Art Buchwald
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Consumer Reports

The blame game | Now that the election is over the losers are playing the blame game.

"I got the Election Day wrong. I thought people were going to vote on Thanksgiving Day."

"Everyone went to Macy's for its Election Day Sale instead of to the polls."

"I shouldn't have used my campaign money to build a new house in a better neighborhood."

"I ran on a 'Jobs are not important' platform and it backfired."

"Even my wife voted for my opponent."

"I was blamed for losing the Air Force base, the Navy shipyard, and an Army golf course in my district."

"I swerved to the left when I should have gone to the right."

"If you think I'm going to fight another day, you're crazy."

"I ran a dirty campaign, but my opponent ran a dirtier one."

"My staff was miserable and incompetent. I wouldn't hire them again if I were running for dog catcher."

"I made a mistake when I asked Sen. Torricelli to campaign for me in my district."

"I should have known something was wrong when all the pundits predicted I would win."

"The mike was on when I told an aide I didn't care if I got the Hispanic vote or not."

"They had a fund-raising dinner to celebrate my birthday and nobody came."

"I came out for cuts in Medicare and new taxes on baby food."

"I shouldn't have lost. I started with a lead of 30 percent in the polls. From then on it was all downhill. The voters found out I didn't stand for anything. I thought they would go for it."

"We live in a free country and the people have spoken - damnit."

"I hated to kiss babies while campaigning. They slobber all over you."

"Ringing doorbells for votes was not my cup of tea. You never know when the homeowner has a dog."

"My theme song, 'Let Me Tax You,' didn't work as well as I thought it would."

"What really hurt me is when I took money from Enron, WorldCom, Imclone and Arthur Andersen. After they all went belly up, taking the money didn't bother me but the checks bounced."

"I would rather lose an election than win one because now I don't have to keep all my campaign promises."

"I refuse to play the blame game. I'm saving it for my book."

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

© 2002, TMS