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Q: I'm struggling to figure out if and how to use natural consequences with my almost 4-year-old when there don't seem to be any readily available. If I'm trying to get her dressed for playtime, for example, I can remind her we'll have less time at the playground if she doesn't get dressed, and she's responsive. But specifically in the evening, with the bedtime routine, she doesn't come when asked, won't brush her teeth or clean up toys, and I struggle to articulate any effective consequence.
We don't yell or spank or do timeouts. The one thing left is story time, but that's a key moment for bonding at the end of the day that I'm not willing to put on the chopping block. I have noticed that if she's not exhausted, she generally will cooperate. Am I creating a monster if I *don't* dole out consequences when I know she's just overtired? — - Consequences?
A: Consequences?: Thank you for writing in!
You are not alone in wondering what to do when a child won't obey. Every parent, whether they have a 4-year-old or a 14-year-old, gets stuck when met with outright defiance. But this is especially typical for a 4-year-old - an age known for burgeoning independence. If the idea to "clean up," "get dressed" or "brush teeth" doesn't originate within them, they often aren't keen to listen to adults. This isn't being "bad" or even misbehavior, this is developmentally normal pushback. A healthy human develops toward independence, not away from it.
The goal isn't to raise an obedient child; the goal is to raise a child who wants to obey the people they trust and love.
You're worried about "creating a monster" if you don't hand out consequences. But think about it: If you were exhausted beyond your capacity to function, and I punished you for that, how would you feel about me? About our relationship? Would you want to cooperate with me, even if you could? You would be angry, you would be hurt, and you would probably not want to cooperate with me. Creating consequences (read: punishments) for your child is not teaching her skills, nor is it strengthening your relationship with her.
Right now, you are stuck in reaction. You're asking, "What do I do after my child does or does not xyz?" The problem here is that parenting after the unwanted behavior is the weakest place from which to parent, especially a young child.
The wiser and more effective move is to ask, "What are the issues leading up to getting dressed/brushing teeth/cleaning up?" And believe me, the answers here could be as far-reaching as: You are treating her like a baby when she is ready for more choices; maybe you are expecting her to do too much, and she needs more guidance; maybe she has learning or developmental needs that make focusing hard; maybe she gets your attention when she drags her feet (and she wants your attention, good or bad). These are only a few possible explanations; break the details down and see what you discover.
After you better understand what is happening (and your part in it), ask your daughter about what she thinks is happening! Four-year-olds are bright and love to be asked about their opinion! Ask her, "Hey, Fiona, I have noticed that when I ask you to brush your teeth, you say ‘no' and stay in your room and play. I know that you know how to brush your teeth, so tell me what gets in the way." You may be amazed to learn what your daughter tells you. Maybe she needs a stool, maybe she loves her Legos too much to leave them or maybe she doesn't like to be alone in the bathroom; who knows? I can virtually guarantee you will find a solution in her response. For instance, if she loves her Legos too much to leave them, you can agree to play Legos with her for five minutes, set a visual timer and then go together to brush teeth. That solution has the joy of playing, a timed ending and togetherness in the teeth-brushing.
This kind of problem-solving can feel as though you are "giving in" to your child, but finding solutions with your child is the most mature way to parent; consequences, while sometimes needed, are the tools you least want to pull from your parenting toolbox. Yes, maybe your child will have less time to play or brush teeth or get dressed, and maybe there will be tears, but your goal is to connect and help your child learn skills.
Finally, if your daughter is chronically exhausted, take a closer look at that. Observe her sleeping, eating and exercise, and please check in with your pediatrician if you have any worries.
Good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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