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Q: We are at a loss on how to improve bedtime and sleep for our just-turning-3-year-old. Bedtime has gone from 20 minutes of reading and songs to 45 minutes. She's gone from waking up not at all or maybe once a night to waking frequently and my husband spending many nights in the chair in her room. Her constant "Just sit five more minutes, Daddy" has become a nightly ordeal. We have a 4-month-old who is still nursing frequently, so my husband deals with our 3-year-old.
No one is rested, least of all the 3-year-old, but we're reluctant to let her "cry it out," as some have suggested. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
— Tired
A: Tired: Thank you for writing in. I know many parents reading this remember these hard nights. First and most important: Unless there is something more serious happening (medically, developmentally, etc.), all of this will pass. It is normal for children to go through phases like this. One day everything feels peaceful and easy, and then, like a light switch, you're on a bumpy road in parenting. That's why you'll find a treasure trove of children's books about going to bed: It's a mess for most families!
When it comes to sleep, I want to remind you of something you probably already know: You cannot force a child to sleep. So what helps them get there? They need to feel physically and emotionally safe. I'm assuming your child is physically safe, so how can we help her feel emotionally safe? This is done through connection.
It's not a coincidence that you have a new baby and your preschooler needs have taken center stage. We can easily see her pleas and demands for connection in the evening (five more minutes and requiring a parent to sit in the room), so my first suggestion is that you shift as much connection to the daylight hours as humanly possible. Being more intentional can help offset the fact that there's less of your attention to go around. And you don't need to worry: Young children can handle less attention. Focus on the quantity and quality of your attention during non-bedtime hours.
Outside of bedtime, set up a regular "special time" solely for playing with her. I don't care if it is five timed minutes (assuredly, you're wasting that going back and forth at bedtime). Even if it's just a few minutes, that time will begin to fill her attachment cup in small but important ways. Spending undivided time with your preschooler will relax her nervous system and help her build more resilience when you have to say goodbye in the evening.
Did I really say "goodbye"? It's only bedtime, right? For a new 3-year-old, being alone in their dark room can feel scary. She is programmed (as a mammal) to stay near you and cannot reason with herself to "calm down" or "listen to dad" or "fall asleep." It's just not developmentally appropriate, though that is coming. It just requires tremendous patience, persistence and lots of connection.
As for the lengthy bedtime routine, it is okay to set a timer and stick to it. There will be tears and begging and escaping from the room, but do your best to lovingly put her back into bed. It will feel endless, but if you keep a boundary, it is likely she will fall asleep. Don't lock her in, yell at her, threaten her or flatly ignore her, as that will send her nervous system into a panic, and panic and sleep don't go together.
There's a reason you're resistant to letting her "cry it out": It feels inhumane. We are designed to react to our young children's cries, so it feels pretty darn awful to listen to that crying. Now, is all crying unacceptable at bedtime? No! Separation is hard at night, but there's a big difference between fussing and hysterical, panicked tears. Trust yourself to know the difference, and get support if you feel like you don't.
When in doubt, do what you need to do so that the adults get sleep, as your ability to be patient, loving, calm and responsive rather than reactive all hinges on it. Know that these rough times will pass and that your daughter will eventually sleep on her own. Move the connection to the waking hours, double down on it, exhaust her with movement, do your best with the tears at night and keep a sense of humor; rinse and repeat.
Good luck.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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