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Jewish World Review Feb. 3, 1999 /17 Shevat 5759
Mona Charen
Teaching morality
(JWR) --- (http://www.jewishworldreview.com) ONE OF THE BEST THINGS MY HUSBAND EVER DID -- in the realm of child
rearing -- was to introduce our three sons to Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory by Roald Dahl, a story that takes wicked delight in consigning
obnoxious brats to various deaths.
If our children were frightened or alarmed by the fates awaiting Augustus
Gloop or Veruca Salt, they didn't show it.
Once absorbed, the lessons of the book proved awfully handy. Almost every
character in the story -- with the noble exception of Charlie -- is a
spoiled brat of epic proportions. When any of our children begins to get
that whiny sound in his voice, we answer, "Yes, Augustus," and that is
enough to short-circuit a gripe.
Perspective about themselves does not come naturally to children. Trying
every tactic they can think of to get their way does. Without adult
guidance, they will nag, wheedle, bargain or scream to get what they want.
But if the adult is able to say, "You sound like Augustus," it brings them
up short. It doesn't usually occur to a young child to think about how he
sounds. He is un-self-conscious. This is not entirely a bad thing. In fact,
it can be one of the glories of childhood. It is why they can be hilarious
without realizing it. We were once on a trip to Harper's Ferry, W.Va. The
bus driver who took us from the parking lot to the historical park struck up
a conversation. "So, where are ya'll from?" he asked. David, then 4,
answered matter-of-factly, "We came from our mommy's tummy."
But sometime on the road to first grade, self-consciousness does make an
appearance. For Jonathan, 7, it did so with a vengeance. Overnight, he went
from a child who had no idea what he was wearing to a kid who had to tie his
jacket around his waist just so and wear just the right color hiking boots.
He wanted to wear baseball caps turned backward, but Mom put her foot down
about that.
As a parent, my goal is to get their newfound self-awareness to work for
me! I will admit that after years of nagging Jonathan about certain hygiene
habits, I am more than happy to see the power of peer pressure at work.
At least on the 5-and-older set. Don't try this with the younger ones.
Benjamin, who will be 3 this month, is in the midst of potty training.
Thinking to boost his enthusiasm for the project, I asked him if he wanted
to be a big boy like Jonathan and David. "Ha, ha," he replied. "You're very
funny, Mommy." Perhaps I'll get better results explaining that firemen
invariably use the potty ...
A child's budding self-awareness can be directed to more important matters
than fashion or hating Barney. (Every 5- or 6-year-old of my acquaintance
feels the need to prove his maturity by professing to loathe Barney -- but
most will continue to watch if they think they are unobserved.) By 5, they
are ready for serious moral laws as well.
In the Jewish religion, the Torah is read in synagogue chapter by chapter
throughout the year. We are approaching the chapter in which G-d gives Moses
the law. My children know all about Pharaoh and the parting of the Red Sea
because that story is told every Passover. But last week, for the first
time, I talked with my 5-year-old about what G-d wants from us. David was so
fascinated, he was practically taking notes. "What does 'honor' mean?" he
asked (proving that he is ready to pontificate about Bill Clinton). "What
does 'covet' mean?" I was tempted to offer a disquisition on bearing false
witness but resisted.
So often, parents and teachers give children the impression that being
"good" means being quiet and holding still. But their little souls are ready
for higher things. When they can step back and look at themselves
objectively -- particularly with the knowledge that there is a higher moral
authority -- they can begin the lifelong process of learning to be honorable
and righteous.
The most gratifying thing is to see how much they want to.
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