They still make TV commercials, don't they?

I'm starting to realize that the faces I recognize in obituaries are outnumbering the new friends I make.

And all my favorite TV commercials are locked in the distant past.

Sure, I recognize Flo from the Progressive Insurance campaign and I understand sponsors gamble millions of dollars on star-studded Super Bowl spots; but commercial viewing has been hit or miss for my family since June 2009.

That's when the U.S. switched from analog to digital TV broadcasting and the Tyrees (even though residing near a golf course and the industrial park) found out we live in the boonies.

Although most Americans using an antenna reaped a cornucopia of bonus "point-one and point-two" channels ("Scraping the bottom of the barrel never looked so high-definition!"), we suddenly lost most of the main network affiliates.

(I would quote Mr. Spock's "The good of the many outweighs the good of the few," but I might get weepy over memories of wondering if the warp drive on "Star Trek" was powered by Geritol.)

Goodbye, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Goodbye, Olympics. (And if NBC ever gets exclusive rights to celestial bodies, Good Night, Moon.)

Satellite TV was not in our budget, so we finally gave up and have somehow survived more than a decade and a half with DVDs, YouTube videos with the ads stripped out, online weather forecasts and other workarounds. Sure, there's some "second-hand hucksterism" in a waiting room or nursing home room, but that's about the extent of it.

(Yeah, yeah. There' an unspoken social contract where we're obligated to commit every advertisement to memory for the sake of Madison Avenue and the Hollywood elite, but that ship already sailed when viewers first shouted, "Bathroom break, ahoy!")

On the spur of the moment, I did purchase my wife another of those indoor signal boosters for the TV last Christmas, but its wiring was incompatible with our television and would probably have been a disappointment, anyway. It was one of those fly-by-night "As seen on TV!" gizmos. (Not as seen on our TV, you package-embellishing bozos!)

At least this gives me incentive to promote the longevity of my peers, so we can continue to reminisce about the good old days of Mr. Whipple, Josephine the Plumber, "ring around the collar" and their ilk. Don't shame me with "Did'ja see…?" queries about contemporary sales pitches.

Yes, I loved watching the Purina Chuck Wagon dog food spots (with a dog bewildered by a "real" miniature chuck wagon) and squabbles between cereal mascots Quisp and Quake, but nothing tugs at my heart strings quite like the claymation antics of the California Raisins.

In the autumn of 1986 when my father was recovering from seven coronary bypasses, the nurses at St. Thomas Hospital in Nashville teased him because his barrel chest and skinny legs reminded them of the Raisins.

After a month's hospital stay, it's a wonder Dad didn't cast a glance at his bank account and belt out, "Don't you know that I heard it through the grapevine? Not much longer would you be mine…"

Go ahead and enjoy your up-to-the-minute Travis Kelce endorsements and breath-taking CGI mini-movies. I'll stick with my analog reveries.

Ah, but enough about advertising now.

Join me for next week's column. It'll be revolutionary, extra-absorbent, doctor-recommended, as seen on bathroom walls…

Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, skipping straight to the crossword puzzle…

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

Previously:
• Should newspapers be on, you know, paper???
• Have you preserved 2025 for posterity?
• Do you overuse the word 'interesting'?
• Ready for the Grand Ole Opry's second hundred years?
• When you know you've outlived all your #@%& punchlines
• Are you making the best use of your ears?
• Promise not to blink this school year?
• Is bottomless overtime right for you?
• Are meteorologists a dying breed?
• What's your opinion of 'gentle parenting'?
• Do I know where you live?
• Rockford Files? Little House? 50 Years? Really?
• Did you remember your pets in your will?
• Is everyone always in your way?
• Is country music cool again?
• Do you talk with your hands?
• Are you and your blood pressure best buddies?
• Are you hopelessly confused about telephone etiquette?
• Should a sense of humor be mandatory for fathers
• Ready for Pat Sajak's final spin of the Wheel?
• Can the population implosion be stopped?
• Is 'value' a dirty word?Is it nice to fool mother nature?
• Is 'value' a dirty word?
• Ever have a 'work spouse'?
• Has the Pentagon shattered your faith in UFOs?
• Am I overthinking slang?
• Have you ever taken full responsibility?
• AAAAAY! Is Happy Days' really turning 50?
• Could you pass a citizenship test? really?
• Have you ever caused a scene?
• Should society slam on the brakes about this trend?
• Are you terrible at remembering names?
• Is this remnant of American culture doomed, y'all?
• Are free refills the arch-nemesis of the Golden Arches?
• How Are you in the best friend department?
• Baldness: Is not parting such sweet sorrow?
• Are you clinging to your landline phone?
• Are you distressed by distressed clothing?
• Do you have one of those paranormal pillows?
• Ready to fire up those Father's Day memories?
• Are you a drive-in theater enthusiast?
• Have you heard of after school satan clubs?
• Do you like the tradwife trend?
• Have you ever taken your business elsewhere?
• Journalism: Can't live with it, can't live without it
• Shall we sing the praises of public restrooms?
• Given up on your 2023 reading list yet?
• Cold enough for you?
• M*A*S*H, MAUDE and KUNG FU all turn 50
• Does your body hate you?
• Do Gallup poll respondents have a prayer?
• Was your grandfather a character?
• Is a platonic life partnership right for you?
• Do you hate intersections too?
• The 'Rural Purge' of 1971
• Do morning people deserve to live?
• What will Presidents' Day be like in 50 years?
• Are you and your middle name on speaking terms?
• Have you ever met a stranger?
• Do you dare take the goodness challenge??
• Commercial radio turns 100: what are your favorite memories?
• What shall we say about 50 years of home ownership?
• Do you dread opening your car trunk?
• So this is John Lennon's 80th birthday (And what have you done?)
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Who can turn the world on with her anniversary?
• Inspirational quotes: Are you for them or against them?
• Ray Bradbury: Something centenary this way comes
• 'Ban Bossy': Unintended Consequences
• Almost Here: A Translator For Dogs!
• Will Eggs Become Obsolete?
• Doctor Who: A Fiftieth Anniversary Primer
• The Martians Were Coming, The Martians Were Coming
• Are Pigs Smarter Than Dogs? And Should We Care?
• America, Let's Be #1 At Corruption
• Free College Tuition? Read The Fine Print
• Independence Day: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Typos
• Let's Have More Wrist Slap Punishments
• Father's Day: Can It Survive?