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Q: I have a tween with ADHD and depression/anxiety (taking medication and in therapy) who is extremely frustrating to their older brother. My older child has lots of friends, including very close ones. The younger child struggles with friendships and has been the victim of bullying at school. The school has been good at addressing these issues as they come up, and my younger child has a therapist. Still, I know they spend a lot of time walking around feeling unsafe.
To complicate matters, they share a room at their dad's house, and there are additional same-age stepsiblings who live there too. My ADHD kid is often the odd one out and brings drama wherever they go, which grates on their older sibling.
My older child is extremely frustrated by the younger one's behavior toward him. He knows of his sibling's issues and the holes that ADHD can cause in social skills. Is there any hope for their relationship? It breaks my heart to hear him tell me how much he hates his younger sibling, when I know he means it.
Is there a book that would help? Do I need to add occupational therapy to my ADHD kid's list of interventions? We're to the point of changing custody schedules so the kids have less time together. I grew up with siblings. I am closer to some than to others, but we always had a team or even an "us against the parents" mentality.
Thank you for any suggestions you can provide.
— Sibling Beef
A: Sibling Beef: Thank you for writing in. This is a difficult situation, and there are many big emotions and challenges in this family.
It is impossible to do everything all at once, so, first, sit down and make a list of the priorities. For instance, I know the sibling dynamic is eating at you, but this sentence regarding your tween: "I know they spend a lot of time walking around feeling unsafe" is a huge red flag to me. I'm glad the school is involved, but feeling chronically unsafe doesn't lead to healing or growth. Being bullied and then staying in the same environment where they see the bullies or the behavior continues means your tween's nervous system is in dysregulation a good bit of the day. This means their ability to cope, stay patient and reasonable and relate to their older brother is simply not there. If all your tween's emotional energy has been used up coping at school, there's no amount of meds or therapy that will totally support him. It's like triage, all the time.
Depending on how bad things really are at school, you may need to make some other decisions to help your tween navigate the next couple of years. I don't suggest this flippantly; I know moving schools or home schooling or finding other options can be a huge drain on family time and resources, but this is an important flexion point in your tween's life. If they don't feel safe at school and don't feel liked at home (by bigger, cooler brother), there is a chance your tween makes some dangerous decisions soon. The brain can only take so much stress before it seeks out relief in whatever way it can, and for teens, that can look like substance use, illicit behaviors, acting out at school or other self-sabotaging behaviors.
As for the situation with the older son, move them into separate rooms at your co-parent's home. It doesn't have to be permanent, but we don't need added anger where both of your kids should feel safe. If that cannot happen, splitting the custody so they are with different parents at different times is a good idea. If we want to improve their relationship, we need to consider other (even inconvenient) alternatives.
Your older son is having a hard time of it; I don't blame him for his anger. It is frustrating and dispiriting to have a younger sibling who takes up this much oxygen in the family! If you get a chance, take your older son out to dinner and just let him vent. Don't offer defenses or explanations, and definitely do not ask your older son to be more understanding. The goal of listening to him is to be a soft place for his anger to land and to offer support.
Finally, before pouring money into another therapist for the tween, I strongly recommend family therapy. There's already a tremendous amount of resentment; finding an objective, compassionate and wise third party will support everyone finding better ways to communicate, work toward goals and, most of all, feel seen and heard.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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