Did someone say 'dead inventory?'

"It's the goin' thing!"

That's the phrase my late mother merrily exclaimed every time she got the opportunity to inform me of some quasi-trend she had discovered via "Good Morning America" or a similar program.

Alas, I am waist-deep in merchandise that is definitely not the goin' thing.

In my role as an inventory control clerk, I've just received a lengthy email list of "dead inventory" (in our case, products that have not sold at all in two years or more), replacing any daydreams of a tropical vacation with thoughts of being stranded on the Island of Misfit Toys.

As you probably realize, dead inventory is anathema for retailers because it ties up funds, occupies space that could be used for a product with a faster rotation and – let's face it – sets a bad example for employees who move even more slowly.

Whence cometh dead inventory? It can be a combination of overly optimistic purchasing decisions, inept marketing, bad reviews or societal shifts. (I just read that the once-thriving bourbon industry is in decline, at least partly because of dire medical warnings and competition from new nonalcoholic beverages. And the fear of triggering people to type phrases like "whence cometh.")

Dead inventory can sneak up on stores if they're juggling thousands of items or wrestling with endless HR issues. Or if someone in the organization is infected with the attitude that makes homeowners maintain drawers full of orphaned electrical cables. ("I hate to mark down these deck chairs designed for the Titanic. They might need them someday!")

(On a positive note, dead inventory can be one of the major unifying forces in our troubled nation. You know the expression "One woman's trash is another woman's treasure"? Imagine those two women linking arms and giggling, "What made those losers think they needed 250 gross of turnip spice lipstick?")

Slick-talking vendor reps have saddled many a businessperson with products they didn't remotely need. One wonders how these hucksters sleep at night. (Probably atop a mound of "Re-elect President Bernie in 2020" throw pillows that an even slicker-talking rep stuck THEM with.)

Employees seeing their raises and bonuses devoured by sedentary inventory find themselves asking two pertinent questions: "Who is the complete idiot who ordered all this junk?," followed by "Yikes! And will that unfairly maligned visionary let me carry my belongings out of my office without an armed escort?"

Finding rhyme or reason in unsellable items can be maddening. Even if you have an essential product at a competitive price with a flawless advertising campaign, the fickle public may greet it with a thunderous round of "Meh."

One entrepreneur decided to get to the bottom of this behavior and learned that 37 percent of the time, John Q. Public's explanation is "I held off buying because I thought my Aunt Bernice might get me one for my birthday and then I remembered I don't have an Aunt Bernice, so your guess is as good as mine."

Retailers may eventually do something drastic, like bribing "Good Morning America" meteorologist Ginger Zee.
("The National Weather Service calls for at least six snowflakes to fall in the Southeast, so be sure to hit the stores for bread, milk, toilet paper and metric free-range pukey purple thingamajigs.")

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

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