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Jewish World Review July 28, 2000 / 26 Tamuz, 5760

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
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Consumer Reports

Trick or Treat -- MORTON C. BLACKWELL writes in the Wall Street Journal editorial pages: “... Bush advisors will make sure the campaign predicts (and helps defuse) a Clinton/Gore ‘October Surprise’ this year, a safe bet regarding an administration that bombed foreign countries at key times during the Clinton impeachment fight.”

An “October Surprise!” Of course! It’s got to happen. It’s got to happen because Al Gore isn’t the sure thing the DNC was hoping for, in fact, the more Gore campaigns, the less people like what they see. Bush beats him in virtually every poll. I think people are starting to realize that underneath that caustic, disingenuous, wooden veneer, there beats a heart that is caustic, disingenuous and wooden.

It’s got to happen because it’s become necessary to divert attention away from the congressional investigation into Gore’s illegal campaign financing activities and his subsequent attempts to cover it up. Folks just don’t have much confidence in Al’s “iced tea” defense -- America wants a President that can hold it in.

It’s got to happen because something must be done beyond moussed-hair, black knit polo shirts and earth-toned suits to showcase Gore as presidential -- to prove to the nation that he is the one and only logical successor to Bill Clinton, America’s savior.

It’s got to happen because ... well, because that’s just the way these people operate.

Call me cynical. Call me paranoid. Call me a cab. Call me irresponsible, too, but I believe the Clingorians (Clinton /Gore machine) are definitely planning an “October Surprise” to ensure a Gore win and to continue “The Legacy” -- the only question is, what will this surprise be? Ah, that’s the sixty-four billion dollar question.

The possibilities stagger the mind and sicken the stomach. History has now proven that the Clingorians are capable of anything. On the Old Mickey Mouse Club television show, Wednesdays were Anything Can Happen Day. Well, October will be Anything Can Happen Month in this election.

I can just see the White House aides, advisors, strategic planners, public relations people and other hired hands gathered around a meeting table conducting brainstorming sessions long into the wee small hours of the night, trying to come up with just the right “surprise.”

Empty pizza boxes and Diet Coke cans litter the floor. The process has been going on for weeks. Everyone is exhausted. Then, someone talks ...

Weasel #1: “Should we re-visit Bill’s Greatest Hits? Like the famous NATO war?

Perhaps Milosevic will need another sound trouncing just before Halloween.”

Weasel #2 : “There’s always good ‘ol Saddam Hussein -- we haven’t dropped any bombs on Iraq in awhile.” Weasel #3 : “And those Mideast terrorists must be located and destroyed at all costs (Hee, hee, hee) ... or at least until Gore is elected.”

Weasel #4 : “No, no, no! I’m afraid those tried and true venues of misdirection will not do this time. Like any good sleight of hand, we can’t perform the trick too frequently or our audience will start to catch on. We must “move on” to the next illusion.”

Weasel # 2 : “So what will it be? Confrontations with North Korea or China?” Weasel #4 : “Not likely -- those nations are too powerful -- we might get hurt.” Weasel # 3 : “Maybe a skirmish with Canadian Guerrillas. Or strategic bombing of key military installations in Monaco.”

Weasel # 1 : “Nah -- not even the media would buy those.”

Weasel #4 : “Wait! I’ve got it! Let’s bring Arafat and Barak back to Camp David to resume the peace talks. We keep them here until we get close to the election, then we announce that Arafat and Barak are on the brink of an accord -- an agreement so fantastic that it will be accepted by everyone in the Middle East and hailed by everyone in the world. This will be once and for all, the everlasting peace that everyone has been praying for. But here’s the thing -- Bill is absolutely central to the success of this pact. Arafat and Barak are completely dependent on Bill’s continued involvement. Both sides have stipulated that should there be any change in the current administration, all the good that has been gained thus far may be lost.”

Weasel # 2: “So the voters elect Al to ensure Bill’s policies will continue?”

Weasel # 4 : “No. The voters turn out in droves and write in Bill Clinton’s name for an unprecedented peace time third term!”

Weasel # 3 : “And he goes down in history as America’s greatest President!”

Weasel # 4 : “You got it!”

Weasel # 1 : “But the election is sixteen weeks away! How are we going to keep those guys in Camp David all that time?”

Weasel # 4 : “umm ... Vernon, you still have Monica’s phone number?”

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


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© 2000, Greg Crosby