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Jewish World Review Feb. 23, 2000 /17 Adar I, 5760

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
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Campaign 2000 --- Wake Me When Its Over -- WELL, HERE WE GO hot and heavy into campaign 2000 and already I’m angry, depressed, and fed up. What’s the matter with me? Why can’t I get excited over this presidential election? Is it because I haven’t been paying attention? No -- more likely it’s because I’ve been paying too much attention. I’ve been following the candidates, listening to the debates, and watching how the media pushes their favorites by spinning and slanting their questions and coverage to reflect their bias. Excuse my cynicism, but it’s all very predictable.

Part of my problem, I think, is that Clinton wore me down. He’s made me utterly sick and tired of politics as played by self-serving, lying-for a-living, word-twisting attorney/politicians, whose ethics and principles are non-existent and who’ll alter their rhetoric in a heartbeat to mirror the latest polls. People such as this are scary, too, as they will literally stop at nothing to advance their own ambitions. Gore definitely is cut from the same cloth, although he’s certainly not as slick nor appears to be as comfortable in bald-face lying as Clinton has proven to be. But the kid’s tryin’ and remember, practice makes perfect ...

As for the rest of the candidates, There isn’t a single one in which I have confidence. Bush keeps telling everybody how strong a leader he would make in that whiny, weak tone of voice of his. I’m not really sure what he’s all about. I know his father was President once. I know that he speaks pretty good Spanish.

McCain has taken a page from Bill Clinton -- whereas Clinton campaigned as “a new democrat” -- McCain appears to be campaigning as “a new Republican,” (which looks and sounds to me like an old moderate Democrat). His major claim to fame is that he was a prisoner of war during Vietnam.

Bradley is about the only candidate that seems to be honest and sincere in what he believes in and in what he would like to do -- it’s a nice change, all right -- the only problem is, I don’t happen to agree with what he believes in nor in what he would like to do.

So where does that leave me? Pat Buchanan? Donald Trump? Warren Beatty? Jessie Ventura? Bozo the Clown? (opps - I realize that including that last name was terribly insulting -- I apologize, Bozo) See why I’m depressed?

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat having dreamed the nightmare of all nightmares -- that Gore wins the Presidency, Hillary wins the New York senate race, and the Democrats gain control of both houses. Suddenly it’s the sixties all over again -- the same ugly clothes and horrible music and love-beads and peace signs and muttonchop sideburns.

In this terrible dream of mine, new government programs are being introduced almost on a daily basis. New federal laws and restrictions get passed faster than you can say, “Jimi Hendrix.” Hillary and Bill and Barbra Streisand and Rob Reiner and Oliver Stone are dancing in the street in their flowered shirts, striped hip-huggers, sandals and granny glasses carrying placards. “Make love, not war.” “They call me mellow yellow.” “Hell no we won’t go.” “Sock it to me.” “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” “I am the walrus.” “BEN AND JERRY’S ICE CREAM FOR EVERYONE!!”

I get out of bed, shaking, and start pacing the floor and wonder just where in the world I could move to. I realize there’s no where to go, I sigh a deep pitiful sigh and slowly make my way into the bathroom. I take a couple Tylenol PM’s and climb back into bed. I pray that when I fall asleep I will dream something a bit more cheery - like falling off a hundred story building or running away from a monster through knee-deep, sloggy mud. No such luck. I dream the same dream -- or should I say nightmare? Like the word “is” I guess it all depends on what your definition of “nightmare” is.

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


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© 2000, Greg Crosby