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Jewish World Review Jan. 20, 2000 /13 Shevat, 5760

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
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Merger Mania -- SO AMERICAN ONLINE INC., the world’s biggest online company, has acquired Time Warner Inc., the world’s biggest media company. The result? A media mega-merger -- or a mega-media merger -- or a merger mega-media -- or a vita-meata-vegamin, something like that. With Steve Case becoming the mighty media merger mega-mogul.

Question -- how many mega-media mergers can a multimillionaire mega-media mogul make, if the mega-media mogul maintains multiple mergers of media mostly made on Mondays and maintained for many months ? Answer -- many.

Of much lesser news was the acquisition of the Mann Theater chain by Warner and Paramount. A baby deal compared with the other, but nevertheless significant in that it is yet another step toward, are you ready? WORLD MEDIA DOMINATION. Ooooooo!

Yes, I’m convinced that the AOL deal is just the beginning, folks. The latest in what will be a succession of mega-mergers which will ultimately bring about one giant all-consuming media company. These media corporations will continue to grow by acquiring smaller concerns, gobbling up everything they can until at the end they will have no choice but to feed on themselves like the Donner party. It will work something like this:

(1) Disney merges with Yahoo! and changes it’s name to DisYahoo! Enterprises.

(2) Sony acquires AT&T. to become SoATT Inc.

(3) Viacom partners with Excite At Home and changes it’s name to ViaCite.

(4) News Corporation will form a strategic alliance with Microsoft.

(5) Seagram Co. will purchase several of the other remaining independent Internet service providers.

(6) Since much of At Home’s stock was controlled by AT&T, SoATT Inc. will then acquire the remaining At Home shares, resulting finally in a merge with ViaCite. The new company is christened SoViATT.

(7) Seagrams, meanwhile, will be quietly purchased by DisYahoo Enterprises -- resulting in hard liquor being served throughout all of Disney’s theme parks for the first time (and Disneyland finally living up to it’s motto as “the happiest place on earth.”) Coincidentally, this move results in the new company now owning, among other things, seven theme parks and seven Internet service providers -- so they call the new company Seagrams Seven and Seven.

(8) AOL Time Warner Inc. will pick up News Corporation in a hostile takeover which will cause Rupert Murdoch to body slam Ted Turner into the cement in front of the Chinese Theater.
The new company is named AOL FoxTime and the new sport of “mogul slamming” is born.

(9) At last, SoViATT merges with Seagrams Seven and Seven to become Sony TeleGram.

(10) AOL Fox Time later acquires the entire mess, thus becoming America TeleTime Inc.

“The media corporation for the world, the universe -- and beyond.”

Naturally this one world media company will someday partner with the one world consumer goods company, General NabiscoMorris, which will in turn merge with the one world insurance company, AllCondential and the one world mining and natural resource corporation, ExxStandards, along with the one world heath provider organization, BlueMet. All of which will be staffed by members of the one world labor union, the AFL, CIO, SNAFU under the auspices of the one world governing body headed up by ... well, its new name will be Clintonia.

Business, labor, healthcare, and politics all merged into one. Finally, a job big enough for Hillary -- provided the vast right-wing conspiracy doesn’t mess things up.

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


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© 2000, Greg Crosby