Jewish World Review Sept. 17, 1999 /7 Tishrei, 5759
http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- AFTER YEARS of exhaustive investigative research, I have uncovered a mystery so spine-chilling, so diabolical, that it may very possibly make the hairs in your nose curl. Forget Big Foot, Area 54, and those nutty designs in the wheat fields ---- what I am about to report will be the biggest story of the century! This is a story so potentially explosive that any news organization in the world would give it’s eyeteeth to break it --- if they had the facts and the GUTS!
I realize that by exposing what I am about to tell you, I am putting myself in grave danger. Let me say at the outset, that I am not given to reckless driving. I am not accident prone nor am I suicidal. Should anything of a suspicious nature happen to me or my family after I expose the facts in this case, it should be regarded as NOT AN ACCIDENT and should be investigated by the proper authorities.
Before I share my discovery with you I will outline the facts of this case one by one, so that you can fully understand how I’ve arrived at my findings and that you may independently draw your own conclusions.
Fact #1: O.J. Simpson and William Jefferson Clinton are both avid golfers.
Fact #2: O.J. and Clinton both enjoy partying with rich and famous Hollywood types.
Fact #3: They both enjoy very young white women.
Fact #4: They both enjoy cigars.
Fact #5: Both have a middle name starting with “J”.
Fact #6: Both are proven liars that have committed perjury in court rooms.
Fact #7: Both have a low regard for authority.
Fact #8: They both fancy themselves as actors -- and they both possess about the same acting ability.
Fact #9: Both like living “on the edge.”
Fact #10: Although they cultivate public personas of sweet, “aw, shucks” regular guys, they have both been known to have outbursts of temper when they think they have been crossed.
Fact #11: Both have a history of mistreating women, to say the least.
Fact #12: On the fateful night in question, O.J. went to McDonalds for dinner -- it’s no secret that McDonalds is one of Clinton’s favorite places to eat.
Fact #13: Both men foster a paranoid fear that there are people “out to get them.” O.J. believes it is a gang of Colombian drug dealers and The LAPD; Clinton believes it is “a vast right wing conspiracy.”
Fact #14: Both claim to feel strong ties and empathy with the disenfranchised poor African-American community, but both have strived all of their adult lives to surround themselves with rich and powerful white people.
Fact #15: According to those who know them, it appears that they have both used Marijuana and Cocaine.
Fact #17: They both desperately seek public adulation.
Fact #18: Both men behave as large children -- not adults -- and do not take responsibility for their own actions.
Fact #19: Both have been linked to murders.
Fact #20: Neither man is capable nor desirous to express remorse for their wrongful actions.
Fact #21: Both have hidden behind high-priced attorneys with “win at any cost” ethics and practices.
Fact # 22: The most compelling evidence of all -- no one has ever seen Simpson and Clinton together.
Well, there you have it. 22 facts that have lead me (and any other reasonable thinking person) to the only possible conclusion --- O.J. SIMPSON AND WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON ARE THE SAME PERSON. But should you still have any doubts, I suggest you check out the Bruno Magli shoes in Clinton’s
[Editor's note: This is a joke.]
JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.
09/09/99: Important Millennium Advisory