Jewish World Review Dec. 28, 1999 /19 Teves, 5760
New Millennium --- New Rules
IT’S NO SECRET to anyone who reads this column on a regular basis that I think the
whole millennium thing has been oversold and blown way out of proportion. However, even a
card carrying curmudgeon such as I cannot deny that an event such as this IS SPECIAL in that
it only comes around once in every, oh, thousand years or so. Thank heavens.
So since we’re stuck with it, for better or worse, I suggest that we all try to make
the best of the coming new millennium. Let us look upon this as a time, once and for all, to
make real, substantial changes to ourselves and our culture which will improve the world and
benefit all of mankind. Toward that end, I hereby propose the following NEW RULES for the
new millennium -- listed in no particular order. Ready? Here we go.
Have a happy new millennium
- Rule # 1: As of January 1st the word “cool” will be officially retired from the
English language. After that date, any adult human being using the word as a slang adjective
will be arrested and subject to mandatory prison time.
- Rule # 2: Every adult (unless suffering from brain damage, mental retardation or
provable insanity) will be required to take full and complete responsibility for his or her
own actions. Period.
- Rule # 3: No more piped-in music in supermarkets, malls and other stores. I don’t
need a “musical soundtrack” when I’m shopping.
- Rule # 4: All actors and actresses -- but especially Barbra Streisand, Alec Baldwin,
Susan Sarandon, Rob Reiner, Martin Sheen, Charlton Heston and Sharon Stone -- will be
prohibited forever from voicing their political opinions in public.
- Rule # 5: Screwball millionaire businessmen like Ted Turner, Ross Perot, Larry Flint
and Donald Trump will be prohibited from appearing in public AT ALL.
- Rule # 6: Anything regarded as “athletic clothing” i.e. sweats, spandex, running
shoes, bicycle outfits, etc. is to be worn in gymnasiums and outdoor track fields ONLY.
People showing up at restaurants in this attire will immediately be chuffed and taken away.
- Rule # 7: Zero tolerance for jerks and imbeciles.
- Rule # 8: I will be in charge of deciding who is a jerk and imbecile and who isn’t.
- Rule # 9: Since “Hip-Hop Rap Music” bears no melodic resemblance to music (as the civilized
world has come to define the term over the course of the past thousand years), it will be
designated as something OTHER than “music.” -- perhaps calling it something like “rhythmic
storytelling,” for instance.
- Rule #10: Lawyers, telemarketing solicitors, politicians, and all others who
primarily make their living by lying, will be removed from society, incarcerated into rehab
clinics and treated.
- Rule # 11: Operating two or more machines simultaneously (like a cell phone and an
automobile) on public streets will be forbidden unless one has applied for a special permit
and undergone extensive training and testing.
- Rule #12: Media executives who are instrumental in “pushing the envelope” regarding
broadcast standards and practices will be “pushed” out of their offices and dragged through
the streets to the nearest shopping mall where they will be put in a pillory in full view and
subjected to public ridicule and rotten tomatoes.
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JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written
thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a
letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.
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09/24/99: The Getting Away With It Decade
09/17/99: The Scoop of the Century
09/09/99: Important Millennium Advisory
09/03/99: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
08/26/99: Broadcasters, Please mind Your Manners
08/19/99: The Golden Age of Jerkdom
08/12/99: Dressing Down...and Out
©1999, Greg Crosby