Jewish World Review Dec. 30, 2004 / 18 Teves, 5765

Lloyd Garver

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Read 2005's Headlines Now | Why wait for next year to read next year's news? You can read it right now. Here are my predictions for 2005.

Ken Jennings Goes Hollywood: When squeaky-clean Jeopardy winner Ken Jennings leaves his wife, his kids, and his religion, and moves to Hollywood to host a talk show, he will not marry Britney Spears. They will just be good friends and Kabbalah partners.

Too Many Medals: President Bush will inexplicably continue to give Presidential Medals of Freedom to officials who resigned because of their failures in security and other policy areas. New medals will have to be made of plastic because of the resulting shortage from so many metal medals.

The Crawl On Washington: Millions of babies will jump out of their strollers and crawl to Washington to protest their concern that they will never collect a penny in Social Security.

FDA Pain: In February, the FDA will declare that aspirin is the only safe medicine for Americans to take.

Bush Reaches Out To Michael Moore: President Bush appoints Michael Moore Baghdad Chief of Police   —   and insists that Moore accept the position.

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BCS Rules Change: In college football, the BCS revises its rules and declares every college Number One in the nation.

Ex-Champ Still Punching: Mike Tyson gets in yet another barroom brawl, and is sentenced to 30 days in jail. Soon after that, President Bush awards him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Rumsfeld Still Not Signing: A waiter in a posh Washington restaurant informs Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld that he must use an actual pen to sign for his credit card, not an "autopen."

Same Old Condi: Condoleezza Rice goes for the entire year   —   yet again   —   without ever breaking into a smile.

'Tonight Show' Covers Its Bases: NBC names the successor to Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno's successor. Unborn baby, John Smith, will take over the 'Tonight Show' from O'Brien in 2048.

New SUV Perfect For Short Commutes: General Motors introduces the biggest SUV, which is designed for short commutes. It is 5 miles long. It doesn't actually move anywhere. You just get in the rear door, walk through the car, exit the front door, and you're at work.

Dollar Value Something To Sneeze At: Problems in the timber industry cause an unexpected shortage in tissue. Inventive Americans solve this problem by blowing their noses into almost worthless $20 bills.

It's Kobe's Ball: Kobe Bryant will fire the rest of his Laker teammates, but continue to play one-against-five for the rest of the season. The Lakers still make the playoffs.

More FDA Pain: In June, the FDA will declare that aspirin is dangerous   —   It may cause headaches.

Fox Outfoxes Self: Fox' new reality show, "Let's All Boycott Watching TV Until They Stop Putting On Dumb Reality Shows" is a huge success.

Confused Consumers: A new cellular phone is introduced. It doesn't take pictures, it doesn't have an alarm clock, and you can't use it for the Internet. It just makes telephone calls. Public doesn't know what to make of it.

Democrats Call It Quits: The Democratic Party dissolves and disbands. They will no longer run any candidates for national office. The chairman of the Democratic National Committee explains, "Oh, what's the point anymore?"

We've Got Him: While searching for a possible cabinet appointee without a skeleton in his or her closet, administration officials accidentally stumble on Osama bin Laden. They capture the evil mastermind, imprison him, and the free world celebrates his capture. Two weeks later, President Bush awards him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Have a happy and healthy New Year

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JWR contributor Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. Comment by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


12/16/04: I'm ready to be sentenced
12/10/04: Drug testing, baseball & politics
12/02/04: Presidents Do It; Why Not You?
11/18/04: And A Digital New Year To All
11/11/04: In praise of solitude
09/15/04: Resting Up For The Next Olympics
09/02/04: Drop the smirk, part the hair
08/26/04: The Indefinitive Election Poll
08/19/04: Postage stamps get personal
08/12/04: The Political Olympics
08/05/04: Candidates are relying too much on research and taking some voters for granted
07/26/04: Color Code Confusion
07/08/04: Two Johns, no waiting
07/01/04: College Kids: They're Ba'aaack
06/11/04: A real sucker
06/03/04: What America really thinks
05/28/04: Fly the nice skies
05/20/04: A margin of error
05/06/04: TIPtoeing Around New York
04/29/04: The trouble with tall people
04/22/04: It's over for the Yankees
04/15/04: Silver bullets, tarnished excuses
04/08/04: A basketball fan's Nirvana
04/01/04: Something you're dying to write
03/25/04: Trumping Trump
03/11/04: Spelling still kounts
02/10/04: Leave the Amish alone
02/05/04: 'The State Of The Column' Column
01/15/04 Being Fat And Fit?
01/12/04 How to win the lottery
01/05/04 Sign Of The Times
12/27/03 Your Checklist Of Football Cliches
12/19/03 Clean getaway for holiday shoppers
12/15/03 The Cadillac Of Columns?
12/08/03 Dearest (Insert Name Here) ...
12/01/03 If they advertise it, we will buy
11/21/03 Feeling young, small and intimidated
11/14/03 The ulterior motive behind changes in those airline passenger meals
10/30/03 Real Money From Virtual Reality
10/23/03 Seeing red on new greenbacks
10/10/03 A sorry state of affairs
10/02/03 Revealed! Celeb-authored kids' books arriving just in time for the holidays
09/25/03 Just say 'yes' to dinner
09/11/03 In search of cool
09/04/03 Taking 'Intelligence' Out Of 'CIA'
08/28/03 Relaxation makes me nervous
07/31/03: What empty nest?
07/17/03: America's Big Hang-Up
06/27/03: Mental gymnastics
06/19/03: Why do we lie to our doctors?
06/02/03: Driving around in circles
05/28/03: These writers don't monkey around
05/19/03: Testing the water
05/13/03: New car hell
05/05/03: Bed and breakfast bewilderment
04/28/03: Sexy? That's a laugh!
04/10/03: When 'all A's' isn't good enough
04/04/03: A kibosh on complaining
03/13/03: Cut those billionaires some slack
03/05/03: Will they ever run out of celebs? The pols hope not!
02/26/03: Unfortunately, we can hear you now
02/19/03: Just say what you mean

© 2004, Lloyd Garver