Jewish World Review June 3, 2004 / 14 Sivan, 5764

Lloyd Garver

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What America really thinks


http://www.jewishworldreview.com | Great news! The results for last month's Garver Poll are in. I was very pleased by the number of people who participated, proving that Americans like to give their opinions (and that I might not be the only person who will do just about anything to avoid work). Regarding the accuracy of the poll, remember I have no background in statistics whatsoever. I've never even been all that good at subtraction - especially when a 9 or a 0 is involved. If you are looking for a poll that is statistically accurate, you should check out a real CBS News Poll or some other legitimate survey. If you just want to have fun, keep reading.

Here are the questions that were asked. The answers in BOLD, ALL CAPS, AND UNDERLINED are the ones that most people gave.


1. If the Presidential election were held today, would you be more likely to:

    a. Vote for one of the major party candidates?

    Or

    b. ASK, "WHY AM I VOTING TODAY INSTEAD OF IN NOVEMBER?" (61%)
Analysis: Maybe this proves that you can't fool all the people all the time, except in November.

2. Which do you think might actually be connected to something:
    a. That button you push to supposedly make the red light change to green faster?

    Or

    b. THE VOTING MACHINE WHERE YOU CAST YOUR BALLOT? (55%)
Analysis: 0% felt that voting machines were connected to traffic signals.

3. What do you think is the bigger "whopper?"
    a. Barry Bonds has never knowingly taken steroids?"

    Or

    b. PRESIDENT BUSH SAYING, "DONALD RUMSFELD HAS BEEN A SUPERB SECRETARY OF DEFENSE?" (86%)
Analysis: At 86% to 14%, finally the president is ahead again in one poll.

4. Which would put you to sleep faster:
    a. AN EXPLANATION OF THE NEW TAX FORMS? (70%)

    Or

    b. Listening to a John Kerry speech?
Analysis: Nobody volunteered that they would be able to fill out their tax forms while listening to John Kerry.

5. This summer, which are you more likely to spend $25 on?
    a. Bill Clinton's new autobiography?

    Or

    b. A GALLON OF GAS? (82%)
Analysis: "Full service" has become so expensive that most of us go for "self service," even though we end up spilling some gas on our shoes.

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6. When you are a guest at someone's house for the first time, are you more likely to:

    a. TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THEY COULD POSSIBLY AFFORD THE PLACE? (75%)

    Or

    b. Go through their medicine cabinet?
Analysis: Americans are more interested in what their friends put in their pockets than in their bodies.

7. Right after a job promotion, would you rather run into:
    a. That ex-lover who said you'd never succeed?

    Or

    b. THAT OLD TEACHER WHO SAID YOU'D NEVER SUCCEED? (68%)
Analysis: Americans might get over tragic love affairs, but we don't forget teachers who picked on us. Especially ones who were mean and made our parents come to school and didn't let me explain that I didn't ... never mind.

8. Now that "Friends" is over, do you care...
    a. More than words could describe?

    Or

    b. SLIGHTLY LESS THAN WHEN I LEARNED THAT ZIP CODES WERE GOING TO ADD FOUR MORE DIGITS? (96.42%)
Analysis: Surprisingly, over 96 percent of people who responded didn't care much about "Friends" going off the air. This suggests that either there is something wrong with my survey or with the Nielsen ratings. I think we all know the answer to that one.


Because the poll was so popular, I have decided to continue this feature from time to time. This week, I'm only asking you one question.

This Week's Garver Poll Question:

In a press conference over two months ago, President Bush was asked what his biggest mistake had been and what lessons he may have learned from it. The president couldn't think of any mistakes immediately, and said, "I'm sure something will pop into my head ... Maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." He still hasn't come up with one.

Do you:
    a. Think the President deserves more time to think of a mistake?

    Or

    b. Think he should have been able to think of a mistake by now?
I promise to count every vote, and I assume that you will treat your answers with the same seriousness that I treat the questions.

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JWR contributor Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. Comment by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

05/28/04: Fly the nice skies
05/20/04: A margin of error
05/06/04: TIPtoeing Around New York
04/29/04: The trouble with tall people
04/22/04: It's over for the Yankees
04/15/04: Silver bullets, tarnished excuses
04/08/04: A basketball fan's Nirvana
04/01/04: Something you're dying to write
03/25/04: Trumping Trump
03/11/04: Spelling still kounts
02/10/04: Leave the Amish alone
02/05/04: 'The State Of The Column' Column
01/15/04 Being Fat And Fit?
01/12/04 How to win the lottery
01/05/04 Sign Of The Times
12/27/03 Your Checklist Of Football Cliches
12/19/03 Clean getaway for holiday shoppers
12/15/03 The Cadillac Of Columns?
12/08/03 Dearest (Insert Name Here) ...
12/01/03 If they advertise it, we will buy
11/21/03 Feeling young, small and intimidated
11/14/03 The ulterior motive behind changes in those airline passenger meals
10/30/03 Real Money From Virtual Reality
10/23/03 Seeing red on new greenbacks
10/10/03 A sorry state of affairs
10/02/03 Revealed! Celeb-authored kids' books arriving just in time for the holidays
09/25/03 Just say 'yes' to dinner
09/11/03 In search of cool
09/04/03 Taking 'Intelligence' Out Of 'CIA'
08/28/03 Relaxation makes me nervous
07/31/03: What empty nest?
07/17/03: America's Big Hang-Up
06/27/03: Mental gymnastics
06/19/03: Why do we lie to our doctors?
06/02/03: Driving around in circles
05/28/03: These writers don't monkey around
05/19/03: Testing the water
05/13/03: New car hell
05/05/03: Bed and breakfast bewilderment
04/28/03: Sexy? That's a laugh!
04/10/03: When 'all A's' isn't good enough
04/04/03: A kibosh on complaining
03/13/03: Cut those billionaires some slack
03/05/03: Will they ever run out of celebs? The pols hope not!
02/26/03: Unfortunately, we can hear you now
02/19/03: Just say what you mean

© 2004, Lloyd Garver