Jewish World Review Dec. 27, 2003 / 1 Teves, 5764

Lloyd Garver

JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Your Checklist Of Football Cliches | 'Tis the season to dull all your senses by watching football bowl games. In the past, there were only a few ways to know if you've been watching too many games and should turn off the television: either you realize that your last three meals have consisted of food you've found between the cushions of the couch, the phone rings and you answer it, "defense wins ballgames," or you suddenly notice that the rest of your family packed up and moved out of the house about a day-and-a-half ago. However, there is finally a way to know that you've had too much football before it's too late. It's called the LGBS — the Lloyd Garver Bowl System.

All you have to do is print out the following list of football clichés, attempts at cleverness, and "obviousisms." Then check them off as you hear each of them. When you have heard them all, it's time to quit. Obviously, a second party who doesn't want to lose a loved one to an overdose of bowl games can also do the checking.

If we can just take their minds off the danger and seriousness of what they are pursuing, even for a few hours, then we have done our job.

This might not be the Sugar Bowl, but to these kids, this is the biggest game of the year.

Today we're going to see just how smart those computers are.

He's listed at 320, but that's before breakfast.

It's a pretty simple game. All you have to do is score more points than the other guys.

There are only five minutes left, but in football, five minutes is a lifetime.

He's not just fast, he's quick.

Considering what this young man has been through in his short lifetime, he is truly an inspiration.

I don't think we'll ever see a playoff system in college football.

We'll be seeing a playoff system in college football before too long.

There are only three minutes left, but in football, three minutes is a lifetime.

The officials take a lot of criticism, but they usually get it right.

Momentum has definitely shifted.

It all comes down to which team wants to win it more.

He has great speed and strength, but more importantly, he has something great right behind the ribs.

Let's hope his legal problems are behind him.

There's no quit in this team.

I would have gone for the field goal, but maybe that's why I'm up here and the coaches are down there.

His biggest cheerleader is that little kid in the hospital, and he is that little kid's biggest cheerleader.

I know it's a felony, but I think of it more as just boys being boys.

It's a shame somebody has to lose this game.

You gotta go home with who brung you to the dance.

They're no longer playing to win. Now they're playing not to lose.

There are only two minutes left, but in football, two minutes is a lifetime.

This might be a mismatch on paper, but they don't play the game on paper.

It's only a yard, but it's a long yard.

If this game goes into overtime, either team could win.

Okay, if you have checked all of the above statements, turn off the television immediately — even if you're in the middle of an exciting game. Well, I guess you could just watch the end of that one game. After all, "there is no tomorrow."

Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. Comment by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


12/19/03 Clean getaway for holiday shoppers
12/15/03 The Cadillac Of Columns?
12/08/03 Dearest (Insert Name Here) ...
12/01/03 If they advertise it, we will buy
11/21/03 Feeling young, small and intimidated
11/14/03 The ulterior motive behind changes in those airline passenger meals
10/30/03 Real Money From Virtual Reality
10/23/03 Seeing red on new greenbacks
10/10/03 A sorry state of affairs
10/02/03 Revealed! Celeb-authored kids' books arriving just in time for the holidays
09/25/03 Just say 'yes' to dinner
09/11/03 In search of cool
09/04/03 Taking 'Intelligence' Out Of 'CIA'
08/28/03 Relaxation makes me nervous
07/31/03: What empty nest?
07/17/03: America's Big Hang-Up
06/27/03: Mental gymnastics
06/19/03: Why do we lie to our doctors?
06/02/03: Driving around in circles
05/28/03: These writers don't monkey around
05/19/03: Testing the water
05/13/03: New car hell
05/05/03: Bed and breakfast bewilderment
04/28/03: Sexy? That's a laugh!
04/10/03: When 'all A's' isn't good enough
04/04/03: A kibosh on complaining
03/13/03: Cut those billionaires some slack
03/05/03: Will they ever run out of celebs? The pols hope not!
02/26/03: Unfortunately, we can hear you now
02/19/03: Just say what you mean

© 2003, Lloyd Garver