Jewish World Review Dec. 8, 2003 / 13 Kislev, 5764

Lloyd Garver

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Dearest (Insert Name Here) ... | Every year, we all get a few of those Christmas letters from people instead of cards. You know the kind I mean. They talk about what a "challenging" year it's been, and chronicle events like children's achievements, home improvements, and the sender's ailments. Our friends and relatives can't be the only people who send them each year. Some famous people must mail out holiday letters as well. Here's what excerpts from some of those letters probably look like:

From Britney Spears:

It's been a challenging year, what with the war going on and that sore throat that I had. But right now is my funnest time of the year. However, Madonna, my idol and mentor, has shown me that it's also a time for reflection. She has taught me that following a spiritual path is just as important as wearing jeans with a perfect rise. Sometimes watching the news is so yucky, but we can't ignore those who are less fortunate no matter how gross they are. I've been racking my brain trying to think how I can help people. And then it came to me, and I was like, "duh." People all over the world will be happier if they just listened to me sing and watched my videos. And everyone can buy them at their nearest mall. Or if it's too dangerous for them to go outside, they can get them online ...

From Bill Clinton:

It's been a challenging year, but an uplifting one. When we had the power blackout here, it was truly inspiring to see the way everybody came together to help each other. But maybe if you're not a New Yorker like we are, y'all can't comprehend the spirit of New York.

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the White House - and everybody knows I'm a bad liar. So I'm hoping that Hillary will run for president soon and get us back where we belong. I can't put my finger on it, but I just feel like I lost something in that big ol' house. Oh, now I remember. It was my integrity.

Happy holidays, Bill

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From The Editors Of The New York Times:

... so it was a challenging year for us as we put our house in order. But the country and the world have also had many challenges this year. Fighting continues in Iraq and neighboring countries, and so far, Mr. Bush still has not found either Mr. bin Laden or Mr. Hussein. So, all the editors here hope that there will be peace in the coming year. And we wish you a happy holiday season whether you observe in your own personal, secular manner, or if you celebrate Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or the birth of Mr. Christ.

From Jay Leno:

... so, it's been quite challenging to entertain during this difficult year. And entertaining people is all I care about. I'm not interested in the whole competition thing. I don't care how many babies Letterman has. I'll still be Number One.

On a personal note, the rumors are true. I am going to have an operation in the near future. It's become necessary to have my lips surgically removed from Arnold Schwarzenegger's butt ...

From Michael Jackson's Family:

Don't ask.

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JWR contributor Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. Comment by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


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07/17/03: America's Big Hang-Up
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06/19/03: Why do we lie to our doctors?
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05/13/03: New car hell
05/05/03: Bed and breakfast bewilderment
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03/13/03: Cut those billionaires some slack
03/05/03: Will they ever run out of celebs? The pols hope not!
02/26/03: Unfortunately, we can hear you now
02/19/03: Just say what you mean

© 2003, Lloyd Garver