Jewish World Review Sept. 2, 2004 / 16 Elul, 5764

Lloyd Garver

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Drop the smirk, part the hair | The good news is that I have compiled the results of last week's Pre-Convention Presidential Garver Poll. My poll is 100 percent pure — there is absolutely no scientific basis to it.

I received more responses to last week's column than to any previous column. Either this demonstrates that people are increasingly taking the tight presidential race seriously, or that more and more people want to participate in something that is silly and fun. I'm happy either way.

BIG STUFF: 76 percent of those who responded said they would rather have a president whose family is involved in Big Ketchup than Big Oil.

JOHN EDWARDS: About 60 percent feel that we haven't seen more of John Edwards in the campaign because he's waiting to look older before going out in public again, while 40 percent feel he's been at the "undisclosed location" with Dick Cheney.

NOT SURPRISED BY THE CONVENTION: 40 percent said they would be most surprised by George W. Bush performing a gay wedding at the convention. Thirty-six percent said they would be most surprised by Colin Powell telling us what he really thinks. And 24 percent said they would be most surprised by Dick Cheney saying, "Maybe there really aren't any weapons of mass destruction over there." It looks as if 100 percent of them will be disappointed.

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THE DEBATES: While many people said they would like to see President Bush insisting that Dick Cheney accompany him at the debates, and others want the Bush twins to debate Emma Claire and Jack Edwards, more than half of the people said that what they would most like to see at the debates is, "either candidate actually answering any question."

CAMPAIGN CONFUSION: Less than 4 percent found the Electoral College confusing while about 17 percent are confused by President Bush's position on stem cell research, and one-third are confused by Bill Clinton looking younger now than when he was president. Over 40 percent are confused about why both sides talk so much about how they're not going to talk about Kerry's military career.

ANGER AND ENVY: Only 4.5 percent are angry that John Kerry has a really rich wife, and 13.6 percent are angry that George Bush has a really rich father, but an overwhelming 81.2 percent are angry that they don't have a rich spouse or a rich father themselves.

THE UNDECIDEDS: 12 percent think the undecideds are waiting for Kerry to say he only deserved two Purple Hearts, and 31.7 percent feel that the undecideds are waiting to find out where President Bush was when he was supposed to be with the National Guard. But the largest number of people feel that the undecideds are waiting for Osama's capture to see if he'll say, "The United States never would've found me if that war hero guy were president."

YOUNG VOTERS: 15 percent thought that more young people would vote if the candidates dressed hipper, 42.5 percent thought the candidates should rap their speeches, and an equal 42.5 percent thought more young people would vote if there were just better candidates from which to choose.

WILDEST POLITICAL FANTASIES: Only 4.6 percent fantasize about some evidence that Ralph Nader has been a crook all these years, 17 percent dream about John Kerry accidentally slipping into French while making a speech in Ohio, and 42 percent would love it if President Bush said, "Let's not count any state whose governor happens to be related to one of the candidates." For about 37 percent of the people, their biggest fantasy would be if both sides were positive and refrained from badmouthing each other for the rest of the campaign.

WINNING IS NO MYSTERY: I saved the best for last. An overwhelming number of readers feel that the thing that annoys them most about George W. Bush is "The Smirk." The thing that annoys people the most about John Kerry is "His Hair." So, if Mr. Bush wants to win, all he has to do is drop the smirk. If Kerry wants to be president, all he needs is a different hairstyle. It's all so simple. Why do they spend millions of dollars on this thing?

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JWR contributor Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. Comment by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


08/26/04: The Indefinitive Election Poll
08/19/04: Postage stamps get personal
08/12/04: The Political Olympics
08/05/04: Candidates are relying too much on research and taking some voters for granted
07/26/04: Color Code Confusion
07/08/04: Two Johns, no waiting
07/01/04: College Kids: They're Ba'aaack
06/11/04: A real sucker
06/03/04: What America really thinks
05/28/04: Fly the nice skies
05/20/04: A margin of error
05/06/04: TIPtoeing Around New York
04/29/04: The trouble with tall people
04/22/04: It's over for the Yankees
04/15/04: Silver bullets, tarnished excuses
04/08/04: A basketball fan's Nirvana
04/01/04: Something you're dying to write
03/25/04: Trumping Trump
03/11/04: Spelling still kounts
02/10/04: Leave the Amish alone
02/05/04: 'The State Of The Column' Column
01/15/04 Being Fat And Fit?
01/12/04 How to win the lottery
01/05/04 Sign Of The Times
12/27/03 Your Checklist Of Football Cliches
12/19/03 Clean getaway for holiday shoppers
12/15/03 The Cadillac Of Columns?
12/08/03 Dearest (Insert Name Here) ...
12/01/03 If they advertise it, we will buy
11/21/03 Feeling young, small and intimidated
11/14/03 The ulterior motive behind changes in those airline passenger meals
10/30/03 Real Money From Virtual Reality
10/23/03 Seeing red on new greenbacks
10/10/03 A sorry state of affairs
10/02/03 Revealed! Celeb-authored kids' books arriving just in time for the holidays
09/25/03 Just say 'yes' to dinner
09/11/03 In search of cool
09/04/03 Taking 'Intelligence' Out Of 'CIA'
08/28/03 Relaxation makes me nervous
07/31/03: What empty nest?
07/17/03: America's Big Hang-Up
06/27/03: Mental gymnastics
06/19/03: Why do we lie to our doctors?
06/02/03: Driving around in circles
05/28/03: These writers don't monkey around
05/19/03: Testing the water
05/13/03: New car hell
05/05/03: Bed and breakfast bewilderment
04/28/03: Sexy? That's a laugh!
04/10/03: When 'all A's' isn't good enough
04/04/03: A kibosh on complaining
03/13/03: Cut those billionaires some slack
03/05/03: Will they ever run out of celebs? The pols hope not!
02/26/03: Unfortunately, we can hear you now
02/19/03: Just say what you mean

© 2004, Lloyd Garver